Happy Holidays!

I have already done a recap of my year so I don't want to regurgitate what I already said but I want to take the time to remind everyone to give thanks for a successful year! Yes, it may not have been the year you expected for yourself. Like myself it may have been a tougher year than past years but I say its successful because by his Grace by December 31st, I'll be alive, I'll be well and I will be in church just before the clock strikes 12 ushering in a new day and a New year giving thanks to the Lord above for bringing me this far and most importantly hopefully taking me through a new year.

As this year comes to an end, Look back and reflect on the year you had. Might have been a great year, might not have been all that great but you are alive, you are well and you are blessed and that's all you can hope for in this unpredictable world.

So before I sign out, I just want to thank each and every one of your for your readership! Although I have only 19 subscribers I am well aware that I have far more readers than I even know about! I thank you guys for following me through my year. For not judging me when I poured out my thoughts and my hearts to you and even if you did judge me, I thank you for not voicing your judgement. I pray that the new year brings us all our hearts desires and most importantly the patience to wait for our turn because as long as you are walking this earth your time will come! Nothing is impossible for our Lord so you may or may not believe in him but recognise this. He is alive and he is not sleeping. He has a plan for each and every single one of us. Just keep praying and hoping and believe his will, will be done in your lives.

A good friend shared something with me when I had a mini melt down a few weeks back and I will share this with you.

"God has three answers to prayers: Yes, Not yet and I have something better in store" So remember this, Your prayers will be answered. As the saying goes, God may not answer when you call but he is always on time!


So have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year and unless something comes up that requires me to blog about it between now and the new year, I'll see you all in the New Year!

God Bless!

To my Ladies: He is just not that into you

Although this post is addressed to my ladies I really will appreciate feedback from my male readers because I believe you can correct me where I am wrong but I felt this is something I needed to get off my chest.

In this day and age with books, movies, tv shows what say you on this subject you will really think that the message would have been loud and clear and women will know better but I find that the more this topic is touched on the more clueless some of our ladies can get. Of course sometimes when you are in that situation its a lot harder to see clearly but I like to believe that unless you completely lose your mind when you are in love...or really in this case in like, you should still know better.

Let me set up the scenario. Girl meets guy, they seem to click, they get along well chemistry is great. They decide to meet up for drinks. While out they seem to be getting along just fine things are great. Guy takes girl home, they have a wild night of passion everything is great. Next day girl doesnt hear from the guy she sends him a text, calls him whatever no response. three days later guy finally returns her call apologizes for the late response and then ask her if she wants to hang out. He decides to come over her place, they share a few laughs talk next thing you know they are back in bed. Guy is in touch for a couple of days just when girl is getting into the groove of things thinking he is here to stay he vanishes again. So pretty much the cycle has been set. Guy comes and goes as he pleases while girl sits at home with her girlfriends crying her eyes out because the guy only bothers with her when he wants something from her. As girlfriends they all advice her to move on and forget him and she does for a couple of weeks and then he calls her back and its right back to square one. The girl already has the names of the kids they are going to have planned out and the wedding dress she plans to wear on her wedding day to him while the guy is only thinking about her when his small brain does the thinking.

It might be safe to assume in this situation the guy is an ass and for the purposes of this blog please understand i am not talking to women who just happen to fall into the situation above because i am talking to women who have been in any situation where it just seems they are not getting the love they deserve. So back to what I was saying. Yes it is safe to assume that the guy is an ass and I am pretty sure my male readers will agree to some extent that the guy in this scenario is an ass but before we start planning the guys death how about we take a second and really think things through here.

So yes the guy is an ass but lets think about it for a second. Dont you for a second think that the girl is to blame in this situation? Yes the guy has no right to disrespect the girl the way he is but really who is the one in control here? Cus if you ask me the girl is the on in control. Yes the guy comes and goes as he pleases but who has the power to stop him from coming back? Or who has the power to tell him its either you stay or you leave and dont come back? If you ask me, its the girl. She is the one who should be able to man up put her feelings aside and tell the guy to walk away and never look back.

This morning I was listening to the Steve Harvey show and he said something that most of us may have not taken the time to really think about it. He said that we should all understand that there is a huge difference between a guy saying "I got love for you" compared to "I love you" A guy telling you I got love for you means he cares about you and likes you but it by no means he is in love with you and wants to be with you.

A friend of mine told me once and I am sure he doesnt remember saying this to me but this stuck with me and every once in awhile I have to remind myself of thing. He said to me, "If a guy is not spending time with you, its is because he is spending time with someone else" and I really think that is true. Think about it and I am sure my ladies who are in relationships can attest to this and my male readers can confirm this as well. When a guy likes you and whats to be with you, there is nothing and nobody that can keep him away. In this day of technological advancement its almost impossible not to keep in touch if you really want to. With facebook, twitter, linkedin email, cellphones, computers, whatsay you its almost impossible to get rid of people you really dont even want in your life. I said to myself the other day that its funny how even now when you want to get rid of someone, you really cant because technology still ties you to them. So really when the guy is not responding to your text messages, or emails or blackberry messages when it clearly says he has read it, its time to really advice yourself if this is really the guy for you.

Ladies i know its hard when you get caught up with someone and you really like them but any relationship is a two way street. Just because by nature you are a giver doesnt mean you should only give and not receive. Its hard to like someone and know they dont feel the same especially when they keep coming back every once in awhile and make you feel like they want you. Sometimes walking away and letting them know that you wont let them come and go out of your life is what they need to really to make them stay. I always say its a good way to screen out the good and the bad. If you walk away and let him know you wont stand for this maybe he will realise that this is who he really wants and will stay however if he walks away as well then you know he is not the one for you

Matters of the heart

All morning this topic has plagued my mind and I decided that instead of just going on and on about it in my head I might as well put it down since I cant seem to stop thinking about it.

Break ups I think is a touchy subject. Touchy because every single persons relationship is different from the next. Its really hard to put yourself in someones shoes and advice them on how to deal with their break up because you really were not in that relationship. How they felt is something you will not understand no matter how relatable their situation is to yours. Everyones feelings are different so you cant just come out and tell someone to snap out of it. Our dealing mechanisms are different as well. Some people break up today, and tomorrow they are over it. Some people break up today and 2 years down the road they are still mourning the demise of their relationship. I wont tell you which type of person I am but I will tell you this. I love hard but when I finally let go there is no looking back no matter what our relationship was like. Yes yes, I do believe that if you and whoever are meant to be together you will be together but in that instance I leave that up to fate, other than that I pack my bags and move on especially when I am through.

Anyway I cannot talk about this topic without putting my two cents in. This is my take on break ups and it might sound sorta harsh but I think sometimes it the approach you might have to take. Break ups are hard, after spending some amount of time with anyone its hard to break away and not let it upset you. Sometimes one person may walk away feeling better about the break up than the other but none the less leaving a relationship is hard and I do believe that for your own benefits its important to mourn the end of the relationship but remember this. The person didnt die, they just decided to leave your life its sad yes it is but dont sit around crying about it forever. Take your time for sure there is no rush but also remember that its not the end of the world. God may bring someone into your life to teach you something but it doesnt mean he brought them in to keep them there. Take the lessons you learned from the relationship and use that to move on to the next one. Every one brings something to your life that enhances it in some way. It may not seem that way at the time but if you look back you realise they brought something to your life that you didnt have before. Might be strength to be able to carry you through the next phase of your life, It might be love because they came when you had given up on love, might be reassurance because you were beginning to wonder when that good man will come your way or good woman. Either way they bring something to your life that you may not have had before or you need a reminder of but that doesnt mean they are there to stay.

Another thing we all tend to do when we leave someone we truly cared about is use them as a blue print for all other relationships. We place them high on a pedastal where its almost impossible for anyone to measure up to the standards they set in your life. I am guilty of that so I know what I mean. Its good to have someone who set the standards high but remember they set the standard for that period of time. Dont get me wrong, I am not say go from a winner to a loser thats definitely not what I am expressing here but just like my fingerprint blog, no two people are made the same, not even twins. Everyone has their own unique factor that makes them unique so Person A may have brought something into your life that you now cant seem to live without but Person B will come wiht something completely different that you may need in your life at that particular point in time. Either way each person comes into your life with something completely different just be open and willing to give each person a chance to be themselves in your relationship and dont punish them for the mistakes of the person before. Its not their fault you were in the situation before they came in. Allow them to make their own mistakes but also know what you need and deserve and make sure you dont allow them to make the same mistakes as before.

Most importantly I think its important that you dont sit around waiting for the person who left your life to come back into it. Yes as the saying goes if they are meant to be in your life they will be. However living your life expecting them to come back will prevent you from moving forward. God takes people out of our lives to prepare us to receive better people. If you hold on to something God has taken out of your life you are blocking yourself from receiving what God really wants us to have. So like I said before, take your time to mourn the loss of your relationship but also remember that its not the end. Wake up ready to move on and accept that what happened in your life happened but there is also more to come so embrace your fate and move on. As I type this I do not type this alone to share but I type this for myself cus I do understand its easier said than done but I also know that as hard as letting go is, it has to happen and you can only move forward if you let go.

Break ups are hard but just remember its Gods way of preparing you for something better. Embrace it, accept it and wait for your blessing because he/she is coming...might be a little lost right now but they are on their way!

The Art of Patience

This is a topic that has become so important to me and although I havent ever touched on it other than in a few lines in my other blogs I felt it is important for me to touch on it some more just because I realise how much being patient has changed my outlook on life.

My cousin is here visiting and although the circumstances surrounding his visit is not necessarily positive he is here nonetheless. I bring him up only because at this point in his life his patience and his trust in God I believe is really being tested. For someone who expects results right away and will go as far as getting the job done himself if it means it can get done at his pace which is probably a lot faster than the average person. He has been put in the position where he has no control over the outcome of events and no control over when things have to get done. He has been here for a week and at this point in time he cannot give you a definite time and date when he will return. Its driving him up the wall. Its testing his patience and quite frankly he is at the verge of cracking.

Of course for me its easy to sit back and tell him to be patient and just wait for things to get done but not being in his shoes I cant relate to what he is going through. However thats where he is wrong. I can relate. Being the kind of person who has no patience for anything. I have no patience for stupidity, i have no patience for time, I have no patience with just anyone who feels they can do things when they want if they want. living with my brother who pretty much does things when he wants can drive me up the wall but my expriences this year and last year has taught me something and that something is patient.

This past year, i have had to patiently wait for someone to notice my resume and give me a call for an interview, I have had to patiently wait for classmates to get their portion of the school project done when i had my portion done a long time ago, i have had to practise patience when I had to get somewhere at a certain time and the subways and the busses havent been on time to get me to where I need to go. i have paitiently had to wait in a cold and dark apartment while my apartment manager had to get their shit together and figure out what the problem was to turn the heat and electricity back on. I have had to wait for my brother to get home from a night out because he left his key at home and couldnt open the door.

All this patience has really taught me a lot about myself. it has taught me that I am not the center of the world and that I cant always expect people to do things my way on my time. It has taught me to be a little bit more reliant on people and most importantly ask for help when I really thought I could handle it all. I believe the most important thing it has taught me is, stressing over situations you sometimes have no control over it, will not speed up the process any faster or slow it down. It just means you have to try your best to keep positive and hope and pray that things happen on schedule. It has also taught me not to give up. It keeps me grounded and keeps me moving forward even when I lose hope because I know that if I am patient and I wait on the lord, things will happen at the right time.

Patience is something that a lot of us find it hard to practise. The world we live in tells us that if you wait you get left behind and to some extent that is true. However being hit hard with a recession, having to patiently wait to find a job so you can get your life back on track has really taught people that you really need to be patient. As frustrating as waiting can be, being patient definitely has its perks. Maybe this is God's way of giving us a chance to sit back, relax and enjoy this ride.

Fingerprint

If there is anything I know how to do well is be myself. I have several times tried to be someone I am not and honestly if I am to think I have failed at anything in my life time, is my inability to be anything but myself. Trust me this is a fight I must accept my defeat and keep moving on. No matter how hard I tried to be anything but myself I didnt succeed. Anyone who knows me knows that I have had my moments where I say, Okay I am going to try and be more like this or less like that and I may for awhile succeed but then just like that I revert to being myself and once again I lose.

Okay so really why have I tried soo many times to be something I am not? Simple, I thought being me wasnt good enough. Okay this is not a blog about bashing myself or feeling sorry for myself, but I am sure most people at some point felt that being something you were not would make the people around you care more, like you more, love you more. Maybe if you tried to be something you were not, people will hang around a little longer, or want to be with you. However what we fail to realise is those who are around us love us for who we are. They met us this way and if they really had a huge problem wth it they would have left a long time ago. Dont get me wrong there are some traits we all possess that we really should try to get rid of because its doing us more harm than good but thats the whole point. Its not doing anyone any harm but ourselves and thats why we need to change or at least try harder to let go of that trait. The minute being you becomes a problem for someone else you have to understand that its time to let that person go.

We are all very unique individuals. We are all cut from a different cloth and thats what makes us unique. I am a twin and although my sister and I share the same dna we are completely different and I believe thats what makes us very unique. Even the most similar of twins are unique in their own little ways. We are all like a finger print. We are all so very different. We can never be like another person but ourselves.

I remember back in school, there were a few people who idolized certain people in class, seemed like they wanted to be like them. Would do anything and everything to get the same recognition that person got. What they failed to realise that maybe if they tried harder at being themselves and showing people who they really were, People would love them more for being themselves than being someone they werent. This is not an unusual situation at all. you hear these stories all over the world. Especially now with gay teenagers being afraid to be themselves because people would not accept them for who they are. Its very sad that being yourself is no longer appreciated and awarded. Why should a gay teen have to be in fear of coming out and living their lives the way they want to because someone somewhere is not comfortable with their own selves so they expect everyone to conform to their ways.

This week, my friend and I were emailing back and forth and in one of the emails he sent to me, he said this " Don't ever change kak". That sentence had me looking at myself completely different. I finally realised that despite all my flaws and imperfections, in someones eyes I was exactly the way I needed to be. Mind you this is someone who has seen most of if not all of me so he knows my good sides and my bad yet despite it all he still wants me to be who i am. From that moment forward i decided to stop apologising for who I was. I decided I was going to embrace who I was. Good and bad.

So here you go this is me. I am fun, I am sweet, I am not affectionate but I am ridiculously loyal. I love hard but I also can walk away, I am very bossy, i am loud and i talk a lot but once you have me as your friend you can believe I will carry you and love you unconditionally just dont take advantage of me. This is who i am and i am not going to be anything else but that! I am just like a finger print. There is only one me!

Lets get married!

Earlier this evening, my cousin asked me a question and although I think I gave him the answer I believed made sense, I am beginning to wonder if I actually do believe what I told him and if I do believe why? So here is the question. "Why do women feel it is important to get married and is it my top 5 priority" Now my answer to him was its not my top 5 priority for sure and quite honestly it probably made my top 10 this year but i know that although its not important I do get married, I do know that being married for me is something I will like to embark on. Not for the purpose of going around flashing my ring to every tom dick harry and jane but its that life long companionship, being able to have someone to share with, laugh with, hang out with someone who loves you and wants you in some cases needs you. His response to that was well cant you get that from friends and family? I said you can but I sure dont want to have sex with any of my family members.Funny I know but truly this question has me wondering...why do we find it important to get married?

I believe this is a question when posed to 10 different people we will receive 10 different answers because everyone goes into marriage for different reasons. I do believe though that one common answer will run through all the answers and that I believe is companionship.

I have never been married so i cant speak intelligently on this subject but my observation of other peoples marriages and of course my own parents marriage. They've been married for 36 years and I do know that though they do have their ups and downs and my dad constantly being on the road traveling from here to there for work, the one thing they do enjoy about being together is having someone to come home to. Someone they know that in their old age, when we (their kids) move on with our lives is having each other to spend time with. Someone they wake up in the morning they can talk to, Even when sitting in silence they know they have someone there with them. In my opinion there are just some forms of companion ship you cannot get from friends or family only from a spouse or a partner. Okay so you dont have to get married for that. Oprah mentioned today that she chose never to be married even though she and Steadman continue to have a very successful relationship which is fine and fair but I also believe marriage as rare as it may seem these days gaurantees a life long partner. Its almost reassured that once you are married you are more likely to work at keeping it going than when you just choose to remain in a partnership without the marriage. I may be wrong but thats just how I feel.

I dont want to go on too much on this topic because like i said i have no experience when it comes to marriage but I do know that it is a journey I look forward to embarking on but its definitely not my top 5 list of priorities just as yet...maybe eventually it will make it on that list.

What I learnt from this year

This has been an interesting year to say the least and although its not technically over, I think this time will be a good as any to share with you what I have taken from this year and hopefully what I will take or not take with me into the the new year.

This year has been interesting on many accounts. I think the best part of this year was having my whole family with me over the summer for a couple of weeks. For many people having your parents and of course your twin sister live across the world and only being able to see them at the most once a year if you are lucky is quite difficult. Of course my brother and I chose to stay back in Canada but at the same token it might have been a lot easier if they lived a couple of miles away but when the miles are over a thousand it gets harder and harder to deal. Being able to share the same roof for a change and be a family was fun. Reminded me of how important it is to have family close by and even though we fight and we often get on each others nerves the joy you experience being around people you love is absolutely priceless..

I managed to finish another leg in my educational journey...although its was not my ideal situation and its definitely was not the final leg, being able to achieve anything is amazing but I believe when your achievement are educational based its even more empowering because it means that your curiousity to learn and to accept that you still need to better yourself through education is important.

I quit a job I hated without another job in place to replace it. Daring move especially in these economic times but it came to a point where the money was not enough to keep me going. It came to a point where I felt most of my unhappiness stemed from being unhappy in my job and although it was a pay check...a bad one but nonetheless a pay check I had to give it up. Unfortunately I havent been lucky enough to find a replacement but I have been happier and more positive about my situation but most importantly I have felt more blessed because I realise that through my trials and tribulations I still have more than most and I am still able to do things I was doing while employed. Its taught me patience and its given me a chance to really reflect on who I am and what I want out of life and although I am still on the path of self discovery I realise my path is becoming more and more defined as each day passes.


This has brought new and true friends into my life and I also started losing or lost some very important people in my life as well. Not to death but I guess to life. It made me re-evaluate my relationships with people and not necessarily let go of people I felt were not working to keep our relationship going but it made me realise that I can't force a relationship. Sometimes the best thing in life is to realise that some people are meant to stay and some are meant to go. It hurt, it sucks, you cry, you get upset, you even get angry but sometimes letting go means a new beginning for something else and thats exactly what happened. I had a new beginning with an old friend and right now I believe our friendship is stronger than ever. Of course I can only pray our friendship stands the test of times and it gets richer and stronger with time but I do know that if it doesnt make it that far, I can look back with no regrets but appreciate their time in my life and what they brought to it, just like I can look back at the relationship I shared with friends I have lost and realise that although we are no longer what we used to be, they came at time when they were supposed to be there and left when they were supposed to leave. I will always love them and my heart will always hold a place for them and I know whatever we shared good or bad changed my life and who I am today.

What did I learn this year? well pretty much here it goes

I learnt that being beautiful doesnt mean you can fit into a smaller dress size, or you have a particular physical look but really who you are inside and how you love yourself. Its hard to expect people to consider you beautiful if you dont feel beautiful. I also learnt that I might never be slim but I can work on being healthy and most importantly accepting who I am. Until I accept who I am it doesnt matter if I lose 50lbs or not I will never believe I am beautiful.

I took away from this year that good friends no matter how far away they are will always be in your lives. You dont have to know someone for years to consider them a good friend but its important to know that a good friend accepts you for who you are. They love you through the pay and they rejoice with you through the happiness. When you kneel down to pray at night, not only are you praying for them but they are kneeling down at night praying for you as well. They have their faults just like you do but at the end of the day you know and learn that they are real and thats all that matters.

I learnt to accept that not everything you want in life comes when you want it. I have been on a long journey and to say I am half way they were would be a lie but I also know that I can't give up because things are not going as planned. As the saying goes, "If you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans." that being said, it doesnt mean because you have given it up to God you must stop fighting for him because although it takes God to get what you want, you can't get it if you dont work for it.

One of the most important lessons I learnt in life is patience. Just to add on to what I said above, being paitent takes a lot strength and self peace. Being someone who expected immediate results, going through this year made me realise that you can't rush life. If I had my eye opening moment about patience this year is probably when I heard the story of the 33 miners trapped underground. 33 miners trapped for 69 days and prior to their rescue they had no idea when their rescue day was. However, their strong faith in God and their patience aided in them surviving the full 69 days presumeably coming out healthy and in a sane state of mind that almost seems impossible to believe. Hearing their story just made me realise that with patience, God does answer prayers but at his own time.

I learnt that a man should not define me. A man should not be the reason I make decisions about how I look, what I do, where I work, who I am. It took me a long time and a lot of prayer and self reflection to realise how much I had let men define my life an it wasnt till I finally realised how much of an influence they had on my decisions in life was I able to finally let go and take charge. Hard to believe coming from someone who has pretty much been single for a very long time but I realised that depending on who I had feelings for at a particular time in my life, the decisions I made were decisions they subconsciously made for me. Decisions they probably were not aware they were making for me but looking back now they did. My sudden drive to lose weight, my desire to work or live in a particular place all came from their influence and though some of the decisions where probably good decisions for me, they were not my own decisions and breaking away from that has given me the power to finally be me.

I think the most important lesson I have learnt this year is staying true to myself. Going after i want, not being afraid to make decisions that can be life altering but they make me happy. I have had soo much influence in my life, decisions made I may not have been happy with but fear prevented me from voicing my concerns. Not allowing people to take advantage of me. Not being afraid to speak when things are wrong instead of keeping quiet and trying to take it all in. It may upset them that I said what was on my mind but keeping it all in and hurting is far more damaging than letting them know the truth.
*I learnt that family wants whats best for you but they may not really know what is best for you.
*Job hunting sucks but its very humbling.
*Education may be the key to success but it doesnt mean it is the key to success
*Love hurts and its okay to cry when your heart breaks but to give up on love is to give up on yourself.
*I really love watching tv and I am not afraid to say it.
*Working out is hard but the benefits are priceless
*Its okay to ask for help. You cant do it all and sometimes its okay to ask for help.
*Men might never put the seat down on the toilet
*Not everyone wants your happiness but it also doesnt mean you must hide your joy
*How you treat people may not necessarily mean they will treat you the same way
*Cant compare my situation to others. Just because they may have it going on doesnt mean your life is really that bad.
*Women are beautiful creatures and we come in all shapes and colours and sizes but being a black woman has been an amazing journey and i couldnt have asked to be anything else.
*It takes a lot of energy to stay depressed and most times when I give in to my depression everything goes wrong but the minute I decide to let it go and stay positive I realise how much easier it is to be happy than it is to be sad.
*That my problems are really not bad. It could be a lot worse but its not so I have to stay grateful
*Its okay to date yourself. Its okay to treat yourself out to a day on your own. Sitting in a movie theatre alone doesnt mean you are a loser but it means you are comfortable with yourself enough to know you can go out on your own and not have anyone with you but still enjoy yourself
*Last but definitely not least. When you have God in your life nothing is impossible. Never lose faith in God and all your prayers will be answered. Not when you call but he will be there when the time is right

So as I enter this new year I hope the lessons I learnt will help me be a better person in the new year and though it may be difficult at times I know nothing stays the same.

What Is Love? No seriously, what is it?

Hey guys, So I gave my cousin a task and that was to write a blog because I really think he has a talent with putting words together. Here is his post. Please share with him what you think of his entry.

Disclaimer 1: the Bible has a definition of love (love is kind, love is just, etc). I'm fully aware of it. What you should be fully aware of is in observing how most of us tend to forget this definition, or to be more exacting, try to get to this type of love by going around God, I have more or less tabled that definition.


Disclaimer 2: In having set up the first disclaimer, expect a lot of sarcasm and cynicism. And abstract thought. If it is abstract only to me, then take it as a grain of entertainment.


Disclaimer 3: I have not been in any serious relationship. You say my views are left-field. I say that I am less biased and more clear-headed.


I love you.


If you say it a number of times, you'll be disgusted. Or you'll be filled with bliss. Go on. Try it.


Why would you be filled with disgust? Many a reason. Most likely it probably stems from the lack of truth in it.


I was once told in a psychology class that you can't be sure about your significant other unless you've been in a relationship for two years. In that time, the passion aspect of the relationship dissipates, leaving you with the intimacy and companionship components. It's at this point that you can truly see yourself being with this person for the rest of your life. Or you see that the relationship is now boring and it's time for you to move on.


This makes sense. But to many a fool it won't because 'love is blind' and 'love knows no bounds' and other cookie-cutter fairy-tale-type nonsense that everyone fails to consider because they're looking for a rush. And if you're one of these fools...well, you're a fool. An idiot. Wake up and smell the damned fumes off the drying paint.


Because how many times have you observed a relationship in which the phone conversations ended in 'I love you' especially when they've been going out for 2 months? Not a big deal, you think? My, how you have set yourself up for the inevitable...


Because how many times has one of you asked the other, Why do you love me?, and you've gone to the part of your brain that deals in bullshit to churn out a poetic answer which really has no value other than to make the one feel good, and to grant the other peace? (And then when you throw the question back at the other, all you get is "I dunno, I just do.")


Because how many times has it felt forced coming out of your mouth to the other person, but when it comes to inanimate objects (your phone most likely), "I love you" flows like water over a babbling brook?


The meaning of love between a couple in this generation is lost. It's gone. And because it's gone we've failed to realize that the meaning of that love is what makes everything else strong. What makes everything else bearable.


Look at the concept of raising a family. It's supposed to be a loving couple (and since I'm Catholic and old-fashioned...), from which children of sound mind and being spring forth. A couple that even through adversity and despair their love continues to bind them tight. A family that from the first breathe of the first born to the day that the last born leaves the house to start a future, has been together supporting each other and loving each other, because that's what their parents have taught them to do. And it's with that knowledge that they'll pass on what they have learned to their significant others so that their families may be blessed with that gift.


But I bet you didn't know that? Because what you've seen becoming ever popular is the single mother and the baby daddy. A kid or a bunch of kids are raised under needlessly difficult circumstances. The father shows up once every week or every other week because he has his life to live and he wasn't ready to start this but because the woman had no choice (again, Catholic and old-fashioned...) she must bear all the weight. Her dreams and hopes put on hold, or reformatted because it's no longer about her but about her children. Where's her time? The story gets worse when the woman isn't committed to having kids so she's still going to live life like the young adult that she is and have no regard for her young ones.


But I digress.


Why would you be filled with bliss, though?

Swept under the rug

I know this topic will be far more controversial than what I have written about in the past months. Many of you may agree with me and some will disagree however I am in the state of mind where I believe we need to have more open dialogue on this topic so we can finally do something about it.

I am Canadian, most of you know that and you will know that Canada is probably one of the most diverse nations in the world. We welcome any and everyone and we allow you to be who you are regardless of your religion, ethnic backgroud, race, political views, sexuality, whatever. This concept is known as a mosiac. We are all one people but you can also be an individual if you need to me. A different ideaology to our neighbouring country the US where they believe in the melting pot. You come here you become one of us. Although you can be who you are, Ultimately at the end of the day you are American and thats that. Depending on how you look at it, both concepts are great and can and should work well but unfortunately it does not.

I have lived in the US so I can disagree or agree with their melting pot concept however I am not American so my knowledge will becoming from an outsider looking in and in my humble opinion although sometimes its good to look in its better to comment if you actually are in the box than outside the box so for the purposes of this blog, this will be my last reference to the American way of life.

Now lets talk about Canada. I live in Toronto and to my knowledge, Toronto is the most diverse city in the world period. I have seen more people of different races, ethnic groups and sexual orientations than any other city I have visited ever. Its actually a beautiful thing because its like being able to tour the whole world and interacting with so many different people without leaving your city. Not many people are fortunate enough to experience that and yet I am plus the 3million other torontians in this city.

However, this mosaic mentality we have in canada I believe has given more ammunition to fuel and acknowledge the differences between us. As much as you are allowed to be who you are, it also means you cant be the one thing that you are...Canadian. Often times racism is a topic that if you ask the average canadian if they feel still exist in canada their firm answer is no. I often laugh when I hear that. There have been several times, when I have had debates with teachers or colleagues about this topic and the quickly change the subject to avoid talking about it. They usually start off by saying" I dont think we have this problem in Canada" I tell them well thats because you have been fortunate enough not to experience it and then they usually shrug their shoulders give me that uncomfortable smile and change the topic to something else.

Of course, why wouldnt they think racism exist when each time the topic is brought up they immediately brush it under the rug. I am not in their minds but i like to believe that they think not discussing it means it doesnt exist and thus we do not have to deal with it. Yet so many minorities exist in this beautiful nation of our who are still struggling to be someone they want to be.

Now lets go into the work place...I have worked in a few places and although I will say I have seen quite a number of minorities in the work place I yet to see a minority in an executive leadership role. I once did a research paper on racism in the judicial system and I was surprised to find that not once in history has there ever been a minority Supreme Court Judge. No blacks, Asians or Aborignals...which unfortunately is tragic considering Aboriginals are the official Canadians. Every single one of us immigrated from somewhere else other than the Aboriginals yet the Aboriginals are the one group of people in Canada that still continue to struggle. They are shut away from the rest of Canada, stuck in the coldest part and are living the most poverty stricken life ever. Once again the Canadian mentality, if we dont deal with it, it does not exist.

Another issue that realy upsets me is the fact that based on the colour of my skin there is no way in hell I can be Canadian. I have often received the surprised look when people find out I was born in Canada. I find that the minute they see me, they have to ask me where I am from? When I respond I am canadian, they are often respond by saying well where are your parents from? They keep digging till you pretty much tell them that your ancestry is africa, caribbean or something of the sort. Well let me school you guys for a second. Many of you will be aware that Harriet Tubman the black slave that lead many of the slaves to freedom, lead them into eastern Canada, Nova Scotia and the likes, Many of them continue to live in Nova Scotia or have moved around to different parts of the Country. Just like African-Americans these African-Canadians(A term i am sure some of you have never heard) Do know their ancestry is from Africa but have no direct connection to the place since their ancestors were put on ships many years ago. That being said, They just like the rest of us are Canadians and therefore will only acknowledge themselves as Canadians and nothing else. So for you to continuely to ask someone like that where they are from is pretty much saying based on their skin they cannot be pure canada. Well unfortunately neither are you because as I stated other than the Aboroginals most people in this country immigrated into Canada many years ago. Of course I know sometimes you ask because to be honest most of us are recent immigrants into Canada but why cant you see us as Canadian unless we tell you otherwise?

I just think that its time we address the issue of racism in this country. It still very much exist no matter how much you want to believe that it doesnt. It exist in the work place when you see capable intelligent visible minorties are still at the bottom of the ladder yet their counter parts are quickly rising. It exist when professionals from different countries move into Canada with the hope of finding a better life hear but are given the run around that they are not good enough to be what they were prior to moving here so now they are stuck in minial jobs because they need to survive. What makes your qualifications better than theirs?.

People lets start dealing with the issue of Race. Until we actualy deal with it face on its going to continue to be swept under the rug and eventually when we finally realise it, it will be too late.

Of course this is my opinion based on my experiences and observations.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cvBI3FtuaPA&feature=related

The Power you hold

To my ladies,

What I am about to share with you is nothing you don't already know. Its been written about, your male friends have told you over and over again and your girlfriends have sat down with you and had this discussion. Its been preached at church, your parents have discussed this with you and in my humble opinion this topic is redundant but I feel that every once in awhile we have to be reminded because although we like to believe we get it, we really dont!

Women, we must understand how powerful we are! Amazingly men know how powerful we are. They know that even the the lowest of women has power that can bring the strongest man to his knees yet, we allow ourselves to lose our power because we think it doesnt make us attractive, or it doesnt make us vunerable or desireable by the male species when in all truths our power is what draws them in. Yet we dont know this power we hold so often times we allow others to take it away from us.

Now the topic I really want to discuss is the power of our punani. Yes lets be real. A lot of us dont understand the power it holds thats why some are soo quick to throw it out there thinking that it can draw the man in and yes it will draw him in but will it keep him? I know Steve Harvey wrote it that try to keep a man waiting before you give it up to him. However I know some people who honestly believe the oppposite. They think by giving it up as soon as he comes your way will keep him. Okay so yeah it might keep him around but dont expect him to take you over to his momma's house or ask your girlfriend what ring you will like. Now dont get me wrong, there are some people who were able to meet guys have sex with them pretty much second after meeting them and they are happily married. Good for them but they are the exception to the rule. If any of you watched the movie " He is not that into you' Justin Long's character eloquently put it " Most women are not the exeception to the rule, you are the rule" Yeah so Jane's girlfriend Molly is married to the man of her dreams after sleeping with him the same night she met him in the club, but really do you think thats going to happen for you? Probably not...nahh in fact it wont!

Now I am no prude and I am not here to judge. If you are "liberated" and you dont believe there is any timeline after meeting a guy to give him the goods then hey good for you. However you can't be upset if he suddenly starts checking girl next door who probably is not giving him the time of day yet he keeps going down her way because he realises that this is someone he can see himself married to. I dont care what you think, the double standard does exist. Men can do whatever they want yet we cant do the same. To be honest though, would you really want to do everything guys are able to do? I dont know about you but I dont want to. I know there are great things about being a woman and that is knowing that I have the power to bring a man to his knees and i wouldnt give it up just to be "liberated"

Ladies, another thing that really bothers me these days is thinking getting pregnant will reassure you committement. Maybe back in the day when our parents were younger that mess flew but these days men know they can be a father to their kid without being a husband to you. I have heard some craziness about how women are "getting pregnant" with the hope that the guy will stick around. if he does stick around then again you are the exception but if you really have to trap a man by getting pregnant by him then please answer me this. Why do you want a man you had to trap? Wouldnt you want a man who wants to stay because he chose to? Think about it!

I guess to conclude, ladies, understand your worth, Understand the power you hold, giving up sex to a guy you barely know will not guarantee you wifey status. Its not even going to gaurantee you girlfriend status. As much as we like to think otherwise we are emotional creatures, we may go in thinking its all fun and games but most times we are the firs to get caught up. I seriously believe when a guy cheats on his girl and says "she didnt mean anything to me it was just sex" he really means it. Men can dettach the emotional from the physical where as most of us cant. Think about it, most girls who end up sleeping around usually have a few men they are messing with at the same time to remove the emotional attachement where as a man can sleep with you for years and not fall in love with you.

If you are trying to be in a committed relationship with anyone go slow, dont give it up so quick get to know him, allow him to get to know you and trust me if he sticks around I am pretty sure he will stay after he gets it but if he says he cant wait then let him go, he wasnt yours to have. You might think otherwise but you cannot get a man by throwing it out to him that quick. My brother and I had an interesting discussion earlier on today. He said to me, " If you could get internet for free, would you really pay for it?" Of course i answered no. He said exactly. He is like let me tell you this, if you give it up to any man that easily I can gaurantee you he is not going to keep you around for ever. He might keep you till something better comes his way but he is not going to wife you.

Now Fellas I am curious to hear what you think. Your thoughts

Bring back the 90s

My title I know probably suggest a few things....One I may be reminscing about the 90s and realised how much fun I had or 2, I am in my 90's rnb mode and realised how great music was back then. If you are thinking 1 or 2 you are on the right track but not necessarily right on point.

Okay so for the past couple of days I have been listening to 90's rnb and maybe a few early 2000's and comparing it to music today, they definitely had it right back then. Music today in my humble opinion has lost its way. We focus too much on the beat than on the lyrics and when we do actually listen to the lyrics its talking about how to mistreat each other, how we have very little respect for ourselves and quite frankly our over hyped sexuality. It seems like in this day and age sex is ruling the world! If you are not having any you suck and if you are having some, its about how many people can you get! Our music has lost respect for the craft and for the people who listen to it.

Listening to 90s music, I do realise there was a lot of talk about sexuality but I noticed that it was more about making love than it was about having sex or to be extremely blunt and crass...fucked! There is no such thing as trying to make you my wife, now its about how many baby mammas do I have or how can I make you eat me out the right way...its sad but our music in my personal opinion has gone down the drain.

Well now lets talk about how the music is influencing our lives. So I am an 80s baby and in the 90s I was heading into my teens, My experience with men in my teens were very rare...if he wasnt a friend I played ball with I had no business with him so maybe I may not know what I am talking about here but bare with me. In my very humble opinion I like to think that men back in the 90's had more respect for women, they treated them better, they spoke to them better and quite frankly the men were better. Fast forward to 2010, It seems like men dont have any respect for us. The little things that were not tolerated back in the day seems to be the norm these days. With the advancement of technology it seems like men for some reason have just lost it! They dont care about how they make women feel, how they treat them or if they even matter.

Now I am not saying all the men in this decade are like that. I know quite a number of decent men and I know quite a number of trifling women. Yes some of us are to blame for the way the men treat us. Its not soley their faults but it just seems like a lot is going now in relationships that just makes no sense and I am trying to make sense of it all! Men now just seem more rude, more crass and just less respectful. They really dont care whose feelings they hurt or who they have to step on. I like to consider myself quite respectful and I like to treat other people with respect but it just seems like the more respect I show others the more disrespect I get. Are my expectations too high? Do I honestly believe I am all that and maybe I am not and thats why i am disrespected? Of course no one has done anything crazy like treat me like the Situation did to that silly girl on the last episode of Jersey shore for those of you who watched but it just seems like common curteousy and respect is out the window.... I dont know.. In my opinion they just dont make them like they used to!

Can someone please bring back the 90s????

your thoughts?

It Sucks but Ohhh well..

I may have written a blog similar to this before but hey its something that keeps invading my mind so I am going to write on it again. I happen to have finished school at a time when the world pretty much went to Hell! Okay so maybe not right away but it seems like every path I took seemed to have been the wrong path. I got out of school enthusiastic, ready to face the world. Nothing or no one was going to stop me from rising that corporate ladder. 5 years later I am still trying to get through that damn door! Anyway I went back to school, thought I'll try a new career path, maybe with much luck I'll have better success with that. I finished school a couple of months ago and I am yet to hear that phone ring with even an interview prospect.

Its hard! Its tough and sometimes its very discouraging. There are many days where I would wake up, take a shower and lie on the couch till night fall because I have no desire to keep pressing on! Its gotten to the point where I am reapplying to the jobs I have already applied to hoping my preseverance will finally get the eye of the recruiter.

However, as hard and as discouraging as it is, I dont want to give up. I dont want to give in to my doubt, into my frustration because I know that the minute I give in to it, it means I have given up. I have accepted defeat. its a lot harder when constantly you hear your parents ramming it into your ear to give up, pack up and move back home. "it will be a lot easier here, we will set you up, you will be okay! No need to worry about your rent and food, all will be taken care off, just sign on the dotted line give us your life and all will be well"...of course not exactly in those words but in my opinion thats pretty much what it means. I dont fault them, I am not upset with them and sometimes I actually think they are right. They mean well and any parent who loves their kids want to do whatever they can to make their lives easier. Unfortunately for them I am extremely stubborn and hard headed. I refuse to give in to their request or offers. To me accepting their offer means i have failed, to me it means I cannot survive on my own and because my biggest fear is failure I will rather keep at this struggle than to give in to their defeat knowing in my spirit that my God above will see me through.

I have actually thought of doing my own thing, forgetting the whole tradtional career thing and breaking out on my own. Might be a lot harder than actually getting a job but I know the benefits will be worth while. I might actually become more successful than if I ever worked for someone...i dont know...i am rambling now...

I just needed to get this off my chest. Another rejection letter came in today and I wont lie, it has me upset a bit. It seems like besides the silent fones, my inbox is filled with rejection letters but hey I guess thats life! You have to be rejected a hundred times to be accepted that one time! Lets hope that my one time is coming sooner than later!

The Demise of the "Regular" black woman

Okay so I am lying in bed reading a book. I really should be studying but hey it looks like its about to rain and quite frankly my bed seems to call my name better than the damn text book. Anyway, my black berry goes off and its an email. Recently anytime I hear my blackberry go off indicating its an email I immediately check it because it could be a job asking for an interview(the things you go through when you are actively looking for work) anyway its an email from my girl and in the email is a link to a blog story. I actually read this blog occasionally. For any of you who are Essence Magazine readers its Demetria Lucas's blog "A belle in Brooklyn" Demetria Lucas is Essences's editor of love and relationships. She puts out the "Bachelor of the Month" articles in the magazine. The article simple states this "Visual Aesthetics" I'll post the link of the article at the bottom of the page so you can read for yourself but what I found out from the article was that now there is something called "Regular black".

Regular Black black from my understanding is anyone who does not have any other race in their blood stream. So for example anyone who doesnt possess any "exotic features" Nice curly hair, light skin shade, the thinner lips, more narrow nose, pretty much if both your parents are black, and the only link to any non black person is your non black co worker you sometimes go out to lunch with, then you are regular black.

Wow is all I can say! Regular black! Now being regular black seems not to be good enough. Its bad enough that for us regular black women, its already hard enough out tehre for us. I am not going to say white people have it easier but thats just the way it is. Now to be regular black you are not beautiful enough, or "exotic" enough to be considered beautiful. The article pretty much says her friends were not allowed into a club she was hosting because they were regular black. The bouncer was given the authority by the club owner that anyone who didnt meet the "visual aesthetics" of the club, meaning anyone who didnt have any exotic features were not mixed with any other type of race could not enter the club. HOw sick is that???????????? Why do we have to distinguish between black people. Why do the so called "lighter skinned" black people have to be given better treatement than dark skinned black people? Why is our skin colour so important?

I mean it goes back to the days of slavery where the light skinned black people were allowed in the masters house and the dark skinned were out in the field. For centuries light skinned people have been considered more beautiful than dark skinned people. Dont get me wrong I have nothing against light skinned people. Coming from a family where we have white ancestry and a lot of interracial marriages, I have a lot of family memebers who are light skinned. Would I call them more beautiful than my dark skinned relatives? No! Why? simply because we all have our own unique beauty. My mom always says, you are the shade of colour because God knew you wouldnt look good a different shade. I strongly believe that! Why should someone be more beautiful because they havea lighter shade skin colour?

I know some light skin people who I wouldnt consider attractive and I know some dark skin people that could make Halle Berry look ugly. However, does their skin colour really define how beautiful they are? Its a shame because I know quite a few men...and women who wouldnt date a dark skinned person because they think their kids will be too dark! Hmmmm...okay? I believe in personal preference. You might like a light skinned person because they may have some features that you find attractive fair enough, but do you have to put down the dark skinned person because God didnt give them that same features?

I am not going to say this mentality is exclusive to the black race because as you all know, Indians have the caste system where darker indians are usually lower class and the lighter indians are upper class, same goes with other groups of Asians and i am sure this mentality runs across all races....Funny enough though, The only race I find wish for darker skin is the caucasian race? Constantly under tanning beds, lying on the beach in the sun so they can get darker? its funny how the race that probably started this whole madness about the difference between the lighter and darker skinned people are those who are actually trying to darken their skin. I could be wrong, but think about it! If they like darker skin then why dont we appreciate what we have!

Its a very sad day when a woman despite her skin colour is turned away from the club because she doesnt meet the "visual aesthetics of the club" Bad style of dressing, I get that, being turned away because you are not light enough? makes no sense! Guess someone turned back time because this madness I thought had left the building!

http://www.abelleinbrooklyn.com/home/2010/9/1/visual-aesthetics.html

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My flaws

Hey guys, I am sorry I have been silent. Its funny how I thought having free time would mean I would write more but I havent been inspired lately so its been difficult to keep up but anyways I am back so here you go.

Few updates, I just celebrated a birthday! 30 is fast approaching and though I am actually looking forward to it, I can't help but wonder sometimes if I am ready? There is so much I thought I would have accomplished by my 30th birthday and though I have a little bit of time to accomplish those goals, I do feel the pressure to make it happen fast! It's not like I am not trying but its tough times...Its funny how we all have all these goals and dreams and deadlines we set for ourselves and then just like that, a twist in life happens and your goals and dreams are put on hold or maybe they change, it all depends on your circumstances and your state of mind at the time. I am not going to let it slow me down and stop me from achieving them but this time I am allowing God to lead the way and I will follow.

Okay so unto what my blog is about. I am sure from previous blogs, most of you have realised by now that I used to and sometimes still do have a poor image of my self. Its been a fighting process and its taking a lot of work to actually get my mind in that place where I can see myself and love every little bit of me. Of course there are some parts of me I love more than others and there are parts of me that I completely hate but I try not to let it get me down or stop me from loving the rest of me. Either way its an uphill battle I plan to fight and I pray that with time i will win this battle.

Anyway, I have recently had some more free time than I have wanted and if there is anything that I am afraid of is to have all this free time and use it to sit back and get fat. Not that being big is a bad thing but if you have been battling your weight like I have all my life then you know that weight is not my favourite thing. Anyway, so I have been hitting the gym extra hard and personallY i havent seen any results but I a few people have said they see a difference. So this afternoon, I decided to treat myself to a mani and pedi. Hey just cus money is not coming in doesnt mean I cant still look good...after all it is summer time and hammer toes is definitely not a good look. Anyways I board the bus on my way home and this older black lady gets on the bus. I see her staring at me...not necessarily smiling but not screw face either. I ignore her and keep on listening to my music minding my business. As this lady disembarks the bus at the station she taps me, I lean in and she says..." You have a super figure" Trust me that was the nicest and biggest compliment I have heard in a long time if not ever! I was immediately overjoyed!

I guess the purpose of my post is basically to say this. What you may think is unattractive is what others see as beautiful.Its amazing how we let our insecurities shiled us from seeing how beautiful we are. I recently read an article about what men surprisingly love about us and I quite frankly was surprised by some of the things men loved. Either way its okay to acknowledge and realise you have flaws but dont let it prevent you from letting others see your beauty!

The Hope of Africa

As Ghana run at the world cup comes to a very sad end, many Ghanaians and Africans are dishearted! We saw this small country off the West coast of Africa keeping the African flame alive with our quick foot work and amazing goalie take us to the quarter finals. A feat that has not happened for Africa for many decades. Although disappointed that we will not continue on into the semi finals, we must realise what this amazing team has done not just for us Ghanaians but to Africa. They have managed to unite a continent with so much differences and dsyfunction.

We the African people have realised that United we will stand and that no one can break our unity. For once there was no such thing as black Africans or white african, for once we were africans! Supporting and cheering each other on in a country that has faced so much upset and division between races...South Africa. The South African people flew only our flag in their country to show their support to the only African country to keep our african flame and pride alive.

As disappointing as this loss may be as many tears we may shed, let us remember that the Ghana Black stars have done what many countries could not do! Keep the black hope of Africa alive!

Ayeekooooo Black stars!! Yei kyiwamu! Oseeee Yei Ghana! The hope of Africa!!

Doctors...Lawyers...Is that all I can be????

I graduated University 5 years ago. I came out believe I could take on the world. I had my 5 year plan. I honestly believed that I would have a house, a car, a nice decent job, possibly a boyfriend or a kid who knows by the time I hit 30. I was optimistic. After all why wouldnt I be? It was hammered in my head since I was a kid that if I went to school and got an education I would be rewarded with a good job and lots of money. Now the day had come, the big job, and the lots of money were on its way and I was anxiously and patiently waiting for that day. 5 years later, present day, I am still waiting for that big job and lots of money. In fact, i am waiting for that job period!

Where is that promise of getting an education will guarantee me that good job that my parents kept raving about for years on end. 5 years later, my situation is probably a lot worse than it was the day I graduated high school. The only difference is, I have a piece of paper...actually 2 that tells people that I have that education they require but it doesnt seem to convince them enough to actually give me that big job my parents kept talking about.

I can't help but wonder, was that an empty promise? Was that societies big april fools joke I just recently found out about? Now I can't help but wonder those without this fancy college education, are they better off than me with all the degrees they claim was necessary to move forward in life with?

Kanye has a song, it slips my mind but it goes along the lines that this man has all these papers to prove he has an education yet he never got anything out of it, now he is dead and he is going to be buried with all these papers but he didnt have a life that left anything behind to be proud of.

My other issue right now is, it seems like to be someone you must have the traditional careers, You must be a doctor, a lawyer, an accountant something that your parents will be proud to brag about. it makes me wonder, my desire to make my parents proud, has that actually restricted me in being who I wanted to be? Would I have had more success if I actually listened and followed my childhood desires than the desires and dreams my parents had for me. Why do some parents believe that the only way to be successful means you must have a traditional profession. Something everyone will be proud about.

Dont get me wrong, if its your dream to be a doctor, a lawyer, a dentist then definitely go for it, but for those of us who may take different paths, does it make us any less ambitious or even less capable of being someone because we choose to go a different path?

Why can't we be and follow our passions without being judged? Why can't we go for what we want without someone making us feel inadequate? Why can't I be a singer, a model an artist, a shoe cobbler without fearing disappointing my family and my friends because my job is not impressive enough, The Kanyes, the Jay'z, the Monique's and the lot who actually followed their hearts and left school to be who they are, Are they actually the smarter ones??


Thoughts.

Everyone's best friend

This past weekend, I had a very interesting conversation with one of my really good male friends. I love him to death, and his opinion does matter to me. Anyway the conversation we had has had me thinking about it over and over again and I am curious to see what other people think on this topic.

Long story short, We were having a discussion as to whether we were both the marrying type. Of course we both agreed that the other person was the marrying type but he said something to me that had me thinking. He said to me, He thought I was perfect and I would make a great wife but I am not the one for him. I wasnt hurt by his statement. Not a little bit. He is a great person and I do love him dearly but we do have a very deep friendship, a friendship that is borderline family so yes of course him telling me I am not the one for him was no shocker. However, what has me thinking is? Is this the common theme now? When people of the opposite sex become really good friends, it sort of kills the potential of them seeing each other as anything more.

I like to think of myself as everyones home girl. It seems like men can relate to me, like they can relate to their boys. Often times they forget that I am female and I often get the " you are one of the boys" statement. Of course I find that hard to believe because if you have seen me before you know that my "assets" will definitely remind you that I am a woman but I guess the way I relate to men, I make them comfortable to be who they are. They are able to share with me and speak to me about anything and everything without feeling like they have to be on their best behaviour or they have to censor themselves. However, has my easy going "one of the boys" demeanor ruined my chances of being with a good man? Do I have to become that girlie girl to be considered the potential wifey? Or do I continue in my "down to earth, you can be yourself around me" mode to potentially lead me to meeting that man?

If any of you have watched the movie "Just Wright" Queen Latifah's character reminded me a lot about myself. I am the girl who happens to be walking in with the attention stopper girlfriend, and i am the girl the men will come to me to try to hook them up with my girlfriend. I become the best buddy they can turn to when all is not well but I am not the girl they want to spend their time with in a romantic sense. Most times it takes them getting to know me before they notice me. It doesnt bother me really but sometimes I wonder if I am hurting myself and turning the potentials away or do I continue down on this path and hopefully that great person will notice me for me and love me for me in both the romantic and friendship sense.

Your thoughts...?

Are black women really that bad?

I have been trying to avoid touching on this subject because I believe its the most talked about subject in todays world and quite frankly I am sick and tired of hearing or speaking about it, However, each day, this subject is brought up again and I really think its time I shared my opinion on this matter once and for all.

For those of you who know me, I am a black woman and for those fo you who dont, well now you know. Yes my ancestry is African and like most African women I have been highly influenced by the African heritage I come from. There are many things about my heritage that define me. Also my mother is African and she has done a lot to define who I am as well but that being said and done, I was also born in North America and lived and continue to live here so there are many things about this society that defines me. Anyone who is a black woman in North America understands that we have many hurdles to jump and each day a hurdle jumped is an achievement however, the race is far from over so the number of hurdles we have yet to jump are too many to count, yet many of us do not let the race slow us down because we know that winning is what matters.

Now to my topic, It seems like more now than ever, this whole topic of black men dating outside their race and their issues with black women has become more and more prevelant today than ever before. Statistics show that many of the marriages that involved black men, 22% were with a non black women. Statistic also shows that 47.5% of black women in North America may never make it down the aisle. Well there are several reasons for this, 1. There are more black men in jail than there are out so if black women choose to stay loyal to black men then chances are fewer black women will find long term committement. Secondly and this is probably the most debateble reason there is today, Black men find black women intimidating. We are too strong, we are too independent, our expectations of black men are unrealistic and we demand too much from our black men or in simple terms we are bitches so a lot of black men dont want to have anything to do with us. Okay, well if thats your reason, then all I can say is meet every single black woman on this face of the earth and then come back and make that statement as long as you can prove to me that every single black woman you came accross was the exact same way.


Before I go any further, let me say this and make this clear. I personally do not have any issues with interracial relationships. My great grandfather was a white scotsman and if you know my family, you could probably say we have an equal number of non black people as we have black people. Thus coming from a very multicultural background who am I to say I have a problem with interracial relationships. My issue is, if you choose to date or marry outside your race, you have no right, to sit back and degrade your own race because of that. Granted your reason for dating outside your race is your reason and your reason alone, However, if you have an issue with black women, then you obviously have your own issues.

Okay so the common reasons why some black men have stated why they choose to date outside their race is because, they believe black women are too strong, too independent, we are dont want to cook and clean, we expect our men to work all day yet we wont have a hot cooked meal ready for him, we pretty much do not serve, worship and obey our men. First and foremost, let me make this clear, I do not worship serve and obey anyone but my Father above.If you have a problem with that then lets keep it moving. Secondly, I like to believe that all my strong, independent, well educated female friends that I currently have, are not just black women, but white, asian, latino, green red, yellow, you name it I got it and they share my exact same opinion. Yes our approach to men may be slightly different but all in all, none of us believe we are slaves and servants to our men(or soon to be men) We strongly believe that a relationship is a partnership, granted you may not have all the traits that I possesses and vice versa, but we know our weaknesses and our strengths, so where you are lacking I make up for it and vice versa. Therefore, if you cant cook, well then you clean and I cook or whatever else.

Also I strongly believe, a woman, black or white who becomes subservient to her man has self esteem issues. A woman who is accepting of a mediocre man, someone who does the bare minimum for survival has no ambition, no drive, no passion to be a better person than they are clearly has her own issues. Now I am not going to sit back and say because I have a masters degree, you must have a masters degree, or that if I make six figures you must make 7. NO thats not the case at all. I believe, that as a black woman living in North america, in this world, if I have managed to achieve so much and I continue to strive to achieve more than you have no excuse. Yes you might be a truck driver and i may be a high powered ceo. We might not be on equal footing professionally, but i am not going to walk by you because of what you have professionally, but I'll tell you what will make me keep walking, is knowing you are okay with where you are at and have drive to be better. Some people are okay with being mediocre and thats fine and fair, but for me, I believe if you have the potential to be better and I am not talking financially because you can have all the money in the world and it can go tomorrow, but my belief is if you know you can do better and you dont try to do better while I am trying to do beter then how can we be together? I like to think my white sisters, asian sisters and latino sisters feel exactly the same way as I do on this topic.

Personally I feel a man who expects his wife/fiance/girlfriend to be anything less than the best is insecure and lazy. A man who doesnt want a woman to push him to be better is obviously not driven and ambitious. Yes I will admit that some of our women are a bit too strong in their approach and sometimes their form of encouragement might be a bit to harsh and degrading but if a man can honestly open his mouth and say he finds a woman intimidating then quite frankly I believe you are not man enough. No man should find a woman intimidating if he realises you are only expecting him to be the best that he is.

I use this analogy, any woman, black or white, if they have a child, who is not doing their best in school and they are really not working hard to make the grades in school, is not going to sit back and say "you know what, its okay that you are not making good grades, its okay that you are failing school, just as long as you are in school I am okay with that" Find me a woman who has said that then honestly i believe she is not a good mother. A good mother will see their child is slacking off in school, goofing around, not doing their best and will demand that they sit up and work hard, they might enroll them in tutoring sessions, they will ground them, they might do whatever they need to do to get their child to improve in school until they see their child excell. Now the same way a good woman will see her man and see he has potential and will push and encourage him to do better...granted each womans approach will be different but a good woman will do that.

Now tell me, why ar eblack women always put on blast, well a friend of mine put it simply, because black men are soo quick to call a black woman out on what she does, You never hear a white man going off about white women, an asian man about asian women or a latino man about latino women. Not to say each woman in each race doesnt have their issues but they love their women good or bad and are accepting of them. I can tell you this, you can find any kind of woman in any race, so for a black man to put a black woman in one category and assume every black woman is the same way, then that shows your lack of education because just like you will find a head strong, independent black woman you will find the same in a white woman an asian women and a latino woman... A strong independent good man will see a woman and what she has and appreciate it regardless of her race. Personally i think when a man dates a non black women because of the colour of her skin, If i was that woman I would be worried because it goes to show, he doesnt love all of me but part of men.

Thats my two cents and thats all I am going to say on this topic. Feedback is necessary and this is my opinion.

He's mine

This topic always gets me heated whenever I have a discussion on this. I know a lot of people feel differently about this topic so I would very much appreciate it if I got comments on this blog. Lets make this a lively discussion. No judgement just pure opinions.

If you know me, you know I am a reality show junkie. I pretty much anything reality based...well not everything but most things. I just finished watching this new reality show that started up this past Jan called "fly girls" Its about a bunch of flight attendants for Virgin Atlantic and their daily lives as flight attendants on and off the job. The 5 women all live together in one apartment "the crash pad" and they have developed a very tight bond...more or less like best friends. There is always some type of drama with them but at the end of the day they stay friends. Anyways part of todays story lines was one girl met a guy in the club, they were vibing, they connected and the guy invited her to a beach party the next day. The girl really liked this guy and yes she had only known him for a few hours but pretty much she had was into him. The next day she goes to the beach party with her friends, her friends knowing exactly why they were going. They knew the girl was going to see the guy she met the night before. Long story short, the girls other friend got hit on by the guy this girl liked and she allowed him. They exchanged numbers all infront of the other girl. Of course the girl was livid, she invites her friend out to hang out with her and the new guy she met and one of them walks away with the very guy she lay claim on. Anyways so the girl starts to date the guy and its a huge argument between the girls. The girl said chicks before dicks and she does not understand why the girl knew she liked the guy yet she still went ahead and took the guys number and went behind her back to meet up with the guy. She no longer trust her and doesnt believe they can maintain a friendship.

Okay so I am sure a number of you are going to say, Well the girl knew the guy for but a minute, he wasnt her man, they werent even dating so he is up for grabs. Yes thats true he could be up for grabs but personally I believe, that once you consider someone a good friend, a best friend, it doesnt matter if she spotted the guy in the club or not. Thats your friends interest. If he doesnt like her so be it, but why should you go chasing after him. I mean a man will be a man and quite frankly I dont blame the guy. He obviously knew that the other girl was no one to him just yet so he is free to do what he likes, but I like to think that as a friend, you cant stop who will approach you but you can definitely stop it from going anywhere.

The other argument could be well what if the guy is the guy thats meant for you? ARe you supposed to give him up because your girl saw him first? No I am not saying that either because you really can't help who is meant for you, but as a good friend I think the best approach would be to approach the girl, let her know the guy came up to you, you guys vibed and clicked and though you understand that she likes him but you like him too will it be okay if she started seeing him? She might not be happy about that but she will appreciate the honesty and who knows if she is a good friend herself she will know the guy is not into her and actually say go for it.

Another thing I do not understand, is women who choose to date married men? Or the ones who think that its okay to go after a man with a girlfriend. It doesnt make sense to me. Yes I understand that the world we live in there are fewer men then thare women but does it mean that if you see someone with a boyfriend its your place to go after them????? Also why must you always go after that married man when you know he is married? I mean seriously? What do you have to gain for going after a married man? I mean this is a union God has ordained are you going to break something God has put together? I think thats just Karma waiting to happen. Plus what makes you so sure that the married man cheating on his wife will not cheat on you with someone else? I just dont get it.

Anyway this one of my biggest upsets and I really dont understand. Maybe I am not as aggressive and maybe thats why I am single but I believe in Karma and I believe what goes around comes around. Going after someone who isnt yours will definitely come back to bite you in your asses.

Ladies tell me what you think? What's your take on this topic. All I can say is, I now understand why some women expect every woman to leave their home when they leave. I also understand why some women keep their relationships a secret and refuse to introduce their men to their girlfriends. We all know the kind of friends we have so you can't blame a woman for taking precaution.

What he wants! Part 1

This blog has been weeks in the making, I am not really sure how its going to turn out, but I am hoping its beneficial to everyone reading this blog.

Okay so I am sure most women will admit, there has been a time or two where a man has left them wondering what they really mean. In the age of books that pretty much explain to us what men are thinking, its still hard to believe that all those books apply to all men. Personally, I read those books, I absorb what is written and a few days later i am back to thinking the way I was thinking before I even read the book. Sometimes its really hard, We are convinced that the guy we are absolutely in love with is giving off all the right signals to make us believe he is really into us, yet he is doing everything wrong or his actions dont match his words.

After going through the emotions myself and over analysing every single thing any guy i was interested was doing, I felt it was time I actually asked men what they really are thinking when they behave a certain way. Funny enough, even though there were similarities in some of the responses I got, it was quite interesting to realise there were a lot of differences in the answers. One guy even said, its subjective. Each guy thinks differently in different situations.

I have a friend, a male friend, who expressed how he finds it sexy when a woman can go from pretty much dressing down to dressing up when the need arises. As he phrased it, he wants a woman who can go from wearing sneakers to wearing stilleto heels with no problem. The logic behind that is simple, a woman should be able to go from rolling around in the mud to dressing up to the nines. According to him, its nice to have a woman who can dress down, in sweats lounge around the house with no make up on but when it comes to going out she can dress to fit the occasion. Many a times some of us feel we need to be dressed up 24/7 to get attention or we just dont care about our appearance which is fine. However it is important that as a woman you are comfortable with who you and the image you want to potray. I dont believe in dressing up for a man but you also dont want to come across as too high maintanence or too low maintanence because either way, you send off the wrong signal.

One question I asked the guys were what do you consider sexy. I was expecting most of them to say a woman who shows off skin and has typical features they consider sexy as big breast and a big ass but surprisingly although a few mentioned those as some of the features of sexy they also said they believed a woman who was smart, great body, dresses well enough by showing enough but not too much that its border line skank. I found that funny because I always thought a man liked to see a woman showing everything but it was refreshing to see that some of them actually feel the opposite about that. They did say one thing that really stood out to me. They defined sexy as confidence. If you know me, you know I have self esteem issues, I always thought I had to be a certain size, or look a certain way to be considered sexy but after speaking to them, I realise now that how you carry yourself is what can be seen as sexy.

One last thing, This blog might have to be in two parts but to conclude this first half I felt it was important to ask them what they consider wifey. Some of us, especially those from Ghana haev always considered the definition of wifey as someone who could cook and clean and cater to her man but the responses I got surprised me. The one definition of wifey that really stood out to me went something like this. "Makes you think with the head on your neck, b4 the one in your pants. She makes you see possibilities and a future. She makes you want to love and protect her. She challenges your senses and makes you want to be a better man. She makes you want to make love to her. She makes you imagine what your children will look like. You actually feel incomplete when she's not around. She makes anything impossible possible, because in her you can always find hope."

After reading that, I couldnt help but realise I had defined wifey completely differently all along. It also made me realise I had completely misinterpreted how men think and that I can't always read into a mans actions and think it means a certain way unless he actually tells me what it is. One thing I am also beginning to learn is men can be simple. No point thinking too deeply into what they are doing or saying because sometimes its as simple as that!

Its not her fault

I just had a very interesting episode happen in my life. Never ever has this happened to me and most of you might freak out after you hear what happened to me but everything is okay. It has inspired this blog so here we go.

Earlier on this evening, I get home from work, exhausted ready to just sit back eat my sushi and watch grey's anatomy before I hit the sack and then I remembered my dog on my form on farmville had not been fed and if you dont feed the poor dog it runs off and then you have to pay 2 farmville cash to get the dog back. I already had to pay before to get the damn dog back wasnt about to spare my 2 farmville dollars to get it back again. Of course I sign on to facebook and then suddenly a girl I added a few days ago. Now this is my mistake for adding her because I have never met this girl in my life nor do I want to know her after what happened but the reason I accepted her friend request was because she is a mutual friend of this radio host I sometimes comment on his page and i didnt want to seem rude by not accepting her friend request and one day her seeing me on his page. Of course I shouldnt care since I dont know her but I felt like being nice. Anyways the girl comes online and starts talking to me on facebook chat. Her salutation alone was offensive enough, I should have realised where this was going.

Long story short, this girl believes I have been having relations with her man and wants revenge on me. I originally didnt know what the hell she was talking about until she mentioned my cousins name and then I began to wonder if I really knew this girl or not. My cousin has no clue who she is either. Anyway, she then threatens my life and decides that the next time she sees me she is going to kill my cousin and I. Mind you the man she is talking about, I never knew he existed till she told me what his name was and quite frankly with a name like that, there is no way on God's green earth would i date a man with that name. I dont think I am above anyone but in some situations I really think I am. Anyway my cousin and I both got on her, called her out, told her we were going to report her to the police and finally we blocked and reported her profile to Facebook. Hopefully they do something about that. Anyway the point of my blog is not to come on here and talk about her but rather what i learnt from this situation.

First and foremost, Ladies, if your man is cheating on you, why do you find it necessary to attack the woman. Yes its trifling if you know the woman personally but how about the one you are committed to? He is the one you are dealing with not the woman. If you have a problem with him go to him. Dont attack the woman, Most times the woman didnt eve know you existed and if she did, sometimes she really was given the impression that the relationship was already dead. I amnot saying some women dont go out of their way to be with men who are already in relationship because there are some women out there like that but seriously, Your problem is with your man not her. What makes me laugh the most is when you see a woman whose man has cheated on her only about a hundred times and she chooses to stay with him, yet she will call the women he cheated on her with all the names in the book, hunt her down to beat her down, report her to her boss and pretty much do whatever it takes to destroy her life but the man goes scott free.

Its time we actually dealt with the problem and the one who created the problem. Yes the woman is to blame but the man is the one with the problem. Cut him loose, deal with him, and leave the other woman out of it. If she is your friend then let her know straight up that you are done with her but if you are gong to be done with her, be done with your man too. It takes two to tango.