Pedestal

Okay so I know I have blogged on this topic before but I guess it doesn't hurt to bring it up again.

I think that most of us sometimes sell our self short. It doesn't matter what it is in life. To some extent we don't believe in our own abilities or our own worth or what we are made of or what we bring to the table. I think sometimes we meet someone who is accomplished has so much going for them and immediately we start to feel inadequate and we wonder if we can ever measure up.

I know this is particularly the case when it comes to relationships. We meet someone special, they walk into our lives with all these accomplishments and accolades and we look at our dreary lives and we wonder how will we ever measure up? How can such a great person even want anything to do with me? Even if they want me around? For how long? What can I bring to the table that will at least get me one step up so I at least feel like I am on my way to getting on their level. All I have to say to that is STOP! Stop stop stop stop!! Shut up!! Seriously? Are you going to base your worth on someone who just brings a piece of paper to the relationship listing all they have accomplished when you really that doesn't make them who they are?

My question to you the next time you start measuring yourself to someone accomplishments is what else do they bring to the table? Are they God fearing? Do they have a good family life? Are they respectful of others and themselves? Do they respect you? Do they live their lives like God is their guide? Do they have a good heart? Are they loyal? Honest? how do they treat their kids...if they have any? Really these are the sort of things we should be thinking about when we meet someone. What they have managed to accomplish whether through education, or professionally or financially is definitely nothing to frown upon but really if all that was gone today what do they have left?

I am no way shape and form saying that its okay to go for someone who is not ambitious because they are loving and caring because lets be real, love doesn't keep a roof over your head but at the same time its good to have an equal balance of both. You have to know that whoever you are going in for, can provide for you, emotional, spiritual, mental and physical stimulation as well as some security to know that no matter what happens they will always do their best to provide for you when you cant provide for yourself. Mind you, you also have to realise that you may not have the financial means or educational level or professional experience they may possess but if you are working towards that but you can provide, the love, support, spiritual need, emotional need and physical need they need in their life, then in my humble opinion you are definitely on their level.

Next time you meet someone great, don't just look at what they bring to the table based on their accomplishments and make your decision based on that but really dig deep and see if this person is really the person you need before you start questioning yourself about your own worth or most importantly if you should bring them into your life because at the end of the day, WE are all worthy, don't let anyone or anything let you feel less. If we can come before God when we really are not worthy of him then we can definitely come before man when we are worthy of them.

To my Ladies: He is just not that into you

Although this post is addressed to my ladies I really will appreciate feedback from my male readers because I believe you can correct me where I am wrong but I felt this is something I needed to get off my chest.

In this day and age with books, movies, tv shows what say you on this subject you will really think that the message would have been loud and clear and women will know better but I find that the more this topic is touched on the more clueless some of our ladies can get. Of course sometimes when you are in that situation its a lot harder to see clearly but I like to believe that unless you completely lose your mind when you are in love...or really in this case in like, you should still know better.

Let me set up the scenario. Girl meets guy, they seem to click, they get along well chemistry is great. They decide to meet up for drinks. While out they seem to be getting along just fine things are great. Guy takes girl home, they have a wild night of passion everything is great. Next day girl doesnt hear from the guy she sends him a text, calls him whatever no response. three days later guy finally returns her call apologizes for the late response and then ask her if she wants to hang out. He decides to come over her place, they share a few laughs talk next thing you know they are back in bed. Guy is in touch for a couple of days just when girl is getting into the groove of things thinking he is here to stay he vanishes again. So pretty much the cycle has been set. Guy comes and goes as he pleases while girl sits at home with her girlfriends crying her eyes out because the guy only bothers with her when he wants something from her. As girlfriends they all advice her to move on and forget him and she does for a couple of weeks and then he calls her back and its right back to square one. The girl already has the names of the kids they are going to have planned out and the wedding dress she plans to wear on her wedding day to him while the guy is only thinking about her when his small brain does the thinking.

It might be safe to assume in this situation the guy is an ass and for the purposes of this blog please understand i am not talking to women who just happen to fall into the situation above because i am talking to women who have been in any situation where it just seems they are not getting the love they deserve. So back to what I was saying. Yes it is safe to assume that the guy is an ass and I am pretty sure my male readers will agree to some extent that the guy in this scenario is an ass but before we start planning the guys death how about we take a second and really think things through here.

So yes the guy is an ass but lets think about it for a second. Dont you for a second think that the girl is to blame in this situation? Yes the guy has no right to disrespect the girl the way he is but really who is the one in control here? Cus if you ask me the girl is the on in control. Yes the guy comes and goes as he pleases but who has the power to stop him from coming back? Or who has the power to tell him its either you stay or you leave and dont come back? If you ask me, its the girl. She is the one who should be able to man up put her feelings aside and tell the guy to walk away and never look back.

This morning I was listening to the Steve Harvey show and he said something that most of us may have not taken the time to really think about it. He said that we should all understand that there is a huge difference between a guy saying "I got love for you" compared to "I love you" A guy telling you I got love for you means he cares about you and likes you but it by no means he is in love with you and wants to be with you.

A friend of mine told me once and I am sure he doesnt remember saying this to me but this stuck with me and every once in awhile I have to remind myself of thing. He said to me, "If a guy is not spending time with you, its is because he is spending time with someone else" and I really think that is true. Think about it and I am sure my ladies who are in relationships can attest to this and my male readers can confirm this as well. When a guy likes you and whats to be with you, there is nothing and nobody that can keep him away. In this day of technological advancement its almost impossible not to keep in touch if you really want to. With facebook, twitter, linkedin email, cellphones, computers, whatsay you its almost impossible to get rid of people you really dont even want in your life. I said to myself the other day that its funny how even now when you want to get rid of someone, you really cant because technology still ties you to them. So really when the guy is not responding to your text messages, or emails or blackberry messages when it clearly says he has read it, its time to really advice yourself if this is really the guy for you.

Ladies i know its hard when you get caught up with someone and you really like them but any relationship is a two way street. Just because by nature you are a giver doesnt mean you should only give and not receive. Its hard to like someone and know they dont feel the same especially when they keep coming back every once in awhile and make you feel like they want you. Sometimes walking away and letting them know that you wont let them come and go out of your life is what they need to really to make them stay. I always say its a good way to screen out the good and the bad. If you walk away and let him know you wont stand for this maybe he will realise that this is who he really wants and will stay however if he walks away as well then you know he is not the one for you

Matters of the heart

All morning this topic has plagued my mind and I decided that instead of just going on and on about it in my head I might as well put it down since I cant seem to stop thinking about it.

Break ups I think is a touchy subject. Touchy because every single persons relationship is different from the next. Its really hard to put yourself in someones shoes and advice them on how to deal with their break up because you really were not in that relationship. How they felt is something you will not understand no matter how relatable their situation is to yours. Everyones feelings are different so you cant just come out and tell someone to snap out of it. Our dealing mechanisms are different as well. Some people break up today, and tomorrow they are over it. Some people break up today and 2 years down the road they are still mourning the demise of their relationship. I wont tell you which type of person I am but I will tell you this. I love hard but when I finally let go there is no looking back no matter what our relationship was like. Yes yes, I do believe that if you and whoever are meant to be together you will be together but in that instance I leave that up to fate, other than that I pack my bags and move on especially when I am through.

Anyway I cannot talk about this topic without putting my two cents in. This is my take on break ups and it might sound sorta harsh but I think sometimes it the approach you might have to take. Break ups are hard, after spending some amount of time with anyone its hard to break away and not let it upset you. Sometimes one person may walk away feeling better about the break up than the other but none the less leaving a relationship is hard and I do believe that for your own benefits its important to mourn the end of the relationship but remember this. The person didnt die, they just decided to leave your life its sad yes it is but dont sit around crying about it forever. Take your time for sure there is no rush but also remember that its not the end of the world. God may bring someone into your life to teach you something but it doesnt mean he brought them in to keep them there. Take the lessons you learned from the relationship and use that to move on to the next one. Every one brings something to your life that enhances it in some way. It may not seem that way at the time but if you look back you realise they brought something to your life that you didnt have before. Might be strength to be able to carry you through the next phase of your life, It might be love because they came when you had given up on love, might be reassurance because you were beginning to wonder when that good man will come your way or good woman. Either way they bring something to your life that you may not have had before or you need a reminder of but that doesnt mean they are there to stay.

Another thing we all tend to do when we leave someone we truly cared about is use them as a blue print for all other relationships. We place them high on a pedastal where its almost impossible for anyone to measure up to the standards they set in your life. I am guilty of that so I know what I mean. Its good to have someone who set the standards high but remember they set the standard for that period of time. Dont get me wrong, I am not say go from a winner to a loser thats definitely not what I am expressing here but just like my fingerprint blog, no two people are made the same, not even twins. Everyone has their own unique factor that makes them unique so Person A may have brought something into your life that you now cant seem to live without but Person B will come wiht something completely different that you may need in your life at that particular point in time. Either way each person comes into your life with something completely different just be open and willing to give each person a chance to be themselves in your relationship and dont punish them for the mistakes of the person before. Its not their fault you were in the situation before they came in. Allow them to make their own mistakes but also know what you need and deserve and make sure you dont allow them to make the same mistakes as before.

Most importantly I think its important that you dont sit around waiting for the person who left your life to come back into it. Yes as the saying goes if they are meant to be in your life they will be. However living your life expecting them to come back will prevent you from moving forward. God takes people out of our lives to prepare us to receive better people. If you hold on to something God has taken out of your life you are blocking yourself from receiving what God really wants us to have. So like I said before, take your time to mourn the loss of your relationship but also remember that its not the end. Wake up ready to move on and accept that what happened in your life happened but there is also more to come so embrace your fate and move on. As I type this I do not type this alone to share but I type this for myself cus I do understand its easier said than done but I also know that as hard as letting go is, it has to happen and you can only move forward if you let go.

Break ups are hard but just remember its Gods way of preparing you for something better. Embrace it, accept it and wait for your blessing because he/she is coming...might be a little lost right now but they are on their way!

What Is Love? No seriously, what is it?

Hey guys, So I gave my cousin a task and that was to write a blog because I really think he has a talent with putting words together. Here is his post. Please share with him what you think of his entry.

Disclaimer 1: the Bible has a definition of love (love is kind, love is just, etc). I'm fully aware of it. What you should be fully aware of is in observing how most of us tend to forget this definition, or to be more exacting, try to get to this type of love by going around God, I have more or less tabled that definition.


Disclaimer 2: In having set up the first disclaimer, expect a lot of sarcasm and cynicism. And abstract thought. If it is abstract only to me, then take it as a grain of entertainment.


Disclaimer 3: I have not been in any serious relationship. You say my views are left-field. I say that I am less biased and more clear-headed.


I love you.


If you say it a number of times, you'll be disgusted. Or you'll be filled with bliss. Go on. Try it.


Why would you be filled with disgust? Many a reason. Most likely it probably stems from the lack of truth in it.


I was once told in a psychology class that you can't be sure about your significant other unless you've been in a relationship for two years. In that time, the passion aspect of the relationship dissipates, leaving you with the intimacy and companionship components. It's at this point that you can truly see yourself being with this person for the rest of your life. Or you see that the relationship is now boring and it's time for you to move on.


This makes sense. But to many a fool it won't because 'love is blind' and 'love knows no bounds' and other cookie-cutter fairy-tale-type nonsense that everyone fails to consider because they're looking for a rush. And if you're one of these fools...well, you're a fool. An idiot. Wake up and smell the damned fumes off the drying paint.


Because how many times have you observed a relationship in which the phone conversations ended in 'I love you' especially when they've been going out for 2 months? Not a big deal, you think? My, how you have set yourself up for the inevitable...


Because how many times has one of you asked the other, Why do you love me?, and you've gone to the part of your brain that deals in bullshit to churn out a poetic answer which really has no value other than to make the one feel good, and to grant the other peace? (And then when you throw the question back at the other, all you get is "I dunno, I just do.")


Because how many times has it felt forced coming out of your mouth to the other person, but when it comes to inanimate objects (your phone most likely), "I love you" flows like water over a babbling brook?


The meaning of love between a couple in this generation is lost. It's gone. And because it's gone we've failed to realize that the meaning of that love is what makes everything else strong. What makes everything else bearable.


Look at the concept of raising a family. It's supposed to be a loving couple (and since I'm Catholic and old-fashioned...), from which children of sound mind and being spring forth. A couple that even through adversity and despair their love continues to bind them tight. A family that from the first breathe of the first born to the day that the last born leaves the house to start a future, has been together supporting each other and loving each other, because that's what their parents have taught them to do. And it's with that knowledge that they'll pass on what they have learned to their significant others so that their families may be blessed with that gift.


But I bet you didn't know that? Because what you've seen becoming ever popular is the single mother and the baby daddy. A kid or a bunch of kids are raised under needlessly difficult circumstances. The father shows up once every week or every other week because he has his life to live and he wasn't ready to start this but because the woman had no choice (again, Catholic and old-fashioned...) she must bear all the weight. Her dreams and hopes put on hold, or reformatted because it's no longer about her but about her children. Where's her time? The story gets worse when the woman isn't committed to having kids so she's still going to live life like the young adult that she is and have no regard for her young ones.


But I digress.


Why would you be filled with bliss, though?

Why do I love you?

I am sure this is a statement you constantly ask yourself when you are dealing with someone you really dont know why you are dealing with them. "Why do I love him? Why do I love her? Obviously this is a question that runs through your mind in those moments when they really dont seem to deserve your love. There are times when you also wonder Why he doesnt like you as much as you like him or why doesnt she like you at all? It seems we always fall for the people who dont want us and ignore those who truly want us. My question is why????

Is it the whole idea of someone not being attainable that makes them so diserable? Is it easier to deal with someone you know doesnt want you than to deal with the one who does and finding out what truly can happen? Is it because this person has all the qualities you look for in a person and you are afraid of straying because if you fall for the other person that doesnt have the qualities you are looking for you are lowering your standards?????


This is a question that constantly runs through my head. I am not afraid to say, I am one of those people who always falls for the person who doesnt want me. I dont know why I do but it happens. These people usually have the qualities I am looking for, or we just happen to get along soo well as friends I convince myself we could be more than that and when it doesnt happen I get upset and start wondering what is soo wrong with me? Why dont they want me? We have an amazing friendship yet he doesnt want us to take it any further? After all they do say, your best friends make the best lovers why doesnt he believe that? Its something I do all the time. I dont know why it doesnt make sense but I do it.

I also do that in friendships, I put my all into a friendship and when the feelings are not returned I get upset. I always focus on those who dont care about me and neglect those who do. I remember an occasion when a dear friend of mine(at least I thought they were a dear friend) completely forgot my birthday. Didnt call, no card, no text nothing. I was miserable, completely upset, however I had an even dearer friend who had pretty much cancelled her plans for the day to come spend it with me and yet here I was miserable about that one friend who didnt bother with me and wasnt even acknowledging that a true friend for me. At the time, I didnt realise what i was doing, but looking back now I realise, here is someone who loves me, who is willing to drop everything and anything for me and yet I am concerned about the one friend who could care less...


In life its normal, very few of us realise the true people in our lives, those who love us unconditionally, those who would drop everything to be by our sides when we need them. We usually focus on those who could care less about us or if they do care, not as much as we care about them. I dont know the answer to why we do but i do believe that for someone like me, if I dont wisen up fast and quick I might miss out on someone great because my eyes are on that person who doesnt deserve me. I know I am a good woman, and I know whoever gets me will be a lucky man however I also need to remember that if that person i want doesnt realise how good i am for them then maybe I dont want them after all.. Maybe they need to lose me to love me or maybe I need to accept they are just not for me.

What we do for love.

How many of you have gone far and beyond for someone and no appreciation was shown? Or you keep giving and giving and nothing is given in return. I would like to say most people may have faced a situation like this and most of the time we keep saying we are going to stop giving but we end up back in the same place, just giving till we literally have nothing else to give.

I know when you give you are not supposed to expect anything in return and most times you do receive in return but sometimes it gets to the point where receiving is almost necessary.

I often find myself over extending myself in relationships where i give and give and I get nothing in return. No I am not talkin about material gifts. I feel like I give up my time, me energy, my heart to people who always seem to take take take and give nothing in return. What really upsets me about the situation is, its almost like they feel I am supposed to give up everything and they give nothing in return. The days I have stayed up late to lend an ear, sacrificed working on myself and my projects to take up their projects so that they will not be overwhelmed with their work. Cancelling my prior plans to make time for them but then they are quick to cancel on me when its not convenient for them without even a second thought. Am I foolish to allow this to continue or do I just love too hard and completely blind to what is going on around me?

I know that in any relationship regardless of what type of relationship it is, its never going to be equal. There is always going to be one person in the relationship that gives more than the other person. I mean even take your work situations or your class situations, whenever you work in a team, there is always one person who contributes the least. Its just the way life is set up so no I am not going to say in a relationship you must give 50/50 because thats almost impossible. I do say that you need to know when you are being appreciated and when you are being taken advantaged of. Of course I dont believe you must stop giving immediately when your actions are not reciprocrated but at the same time its important to evaluate your relationship and figure out, am I being cheated? Are my efforts being appreiciated?

Its hard when you love someone, to completely back away till you see some efforts on their parts but at times you have to put your needs and your wants ahead of theirs and make sure you are not being taken for granted. Love shouldnt hurt, it has to be reciprocated and if its not, you have to wonder if they do feel the same about you. At times they do, they just dont notice what they are doing but sometimes they do not. Learn to let go when you have to. I seriously believe holding on too long when you shouldnt gives them a reason for them to lose respect for you and at times Respect is more important than love....I'm just saying

Valentine's Day

Another year, Another Valentine's day and once again I am spending it alone. It's easy to become bitter and sarcastic when everyone around you is coupled up and spending this day of love enjoying each others company and overly expressing their love to each other by spending ridiculous amounts of money on expensive gifts and dinner. It's definitely a commercial holiday and quite honestly I wish I had a side hustle of selling valentine's day gift so I could make some fast extra cash.

This year, on the other hand, I decided to take a different approach to being a single woman on Valentine's day. I decided to embrace the day and use it to celebrate my love for self. Why you ask? To be very truthful, I am tired of fighting it. As I get older I have began to understand that no matter what I do or say Valentine day exist and the fact that I am single on this very special day has nothing to do with anyone but myself. It's okay to be single on Valentine's day. It's okay to accept that another year has gone buy and you are single. Enjoy the day, take advantage of it. Most stores have valentine's day special, use that day to capitalize on the sale and buy that favourite perfume you haven't gotten around to purchasing. Your favourite artist is in town to swoon all the couples with his/her beautiful soulful voice. Go to the concert. Dress up, and go. Who cares! Half the time we think other people are paying attention to the single people in the room and snickering at the fact that they are alone but you will be surprised that most of the times the couples are so absorbed in each other they didnt even notice you walk into the room. You want to eat at your favourite restaunt because they have a two for one special then go ahead and do it. Find a girlfriend who is also alone on valentines day and go with her or a sibling or your mother or father.

I got up this morning and I wanted to see a new movie out in cinemas. A year ago, I might have passed on the opportunity of seeing the movie alone because I didnt want to be surrounded by lovers holding hands and are all kissy face while I walk in a lone with my bag of popcorn and drink and sit there alone with no one to talk to, this year however, I got dressed and went straight to the movies to watch the movie alone and I would have enjoyed myself had the movie not sold out before I got my ticket.

My point is, We need to stop blaming Valentine's day for feeling lonely and very single. Instead embrace the day and do what you want to do. It's for lovers and if you love yourself you realise you dont need someone else to feel special. If you are really concerned about being alone on Valentines day then take the initiative and ask that cutie you have been checking out for awhile now and ask them out. Just because they haven't asked you out doesnt mean you have to hold back as well.

Be happy, Be true and most importantly be loved!!

Happy Valentine's day!! Embrace the day! Dont fight it because its a losing battle!