Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder

I am sure a lot of you have heard about the article published and then pulled out of the Psychology today journal titled black women are the least attractive women. I haven't read the article personally but clips of it here and there that I have seen, the writer states objectively black women are the least attractive yet subjectively we believe we are more attractive than we really are. As terrible as that sounds and as untrue as that statement is, you can't help to wonder why he believes this is so and does the world secretly agree with him yet are too afraid of being politically incorrect so we all remain quiet.

Of course I do not agree with his thesis in any shape or form and I am not going to point out which race has the least attractive women or people for that matter because in all honesty beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder so my definition of beauty might not necessarily be your definition and vice verse but to come out and point out one race of women is least attractive than the other is wrong.

However, my blog is not to bash the writer but to really explore that topic and find if to some extent we (black women) give this man the bases to come to this conclusion. I am going to break it down into topics and discuss each separately.

Hair

As you know black womens hair comes in all different textures and and length. Naturally, our hair is course, tightly coiled and weaker when wet. Yet due to chemical products, electrically engineered tools and the help of an asian women we are able to straighten, lenghten and change our hair texture. Now for someone who has gone through the motions with her hair and has finally decided to wear her hair the way God created me, plus some colour to give me some pizzazz I can totally relate to the frustration of needing to straighten our sometimes unruly mane, however when we go as far as to dye our hair blond(a colour I personally doesn't go quite well with dark skin and would like to think God thought so as well and hence us having black hair) and to put in 5 foot weaves, you can't help but wonder do we do these things because we see our lighter skinned sisters(and I mean non black) and admire their blond hair and long hair that we will do whatever to look like them? Of course I am in no way shape or form saying people dye their hair blond or put in long weaves to look white but is it possible some do exactly that for that reason?

Fading creams.

Now I am not stupid I know "fading creams" are to "fade away" blemishes from scares but we have all seen those who have gone as far as to use it to lighten their skin completely. Most recently and famously we know of Vybz Kartel the reggae and dancehall who completely went from dark to light and I am sure we have seen many women do the same. Now why do people do that?? Again you can blame it on the fact that it was a fade gone wrong or do they really find lighter skin more attractive??

Black men

Now you know I can't talk about black women without touching on black men. Of course with the increase of interracial marriages and relationships where majority of the interracial relationships being a black man with a non black women its only natural I touch on this. Now I personally have nothing against interracial relationships and having white ancestry myself I obviously cannot have anything against it. People have a preference and that's totally okay however there are some who in the process of dating outside their race have a tendency to down talk the black women by talking about not having long flowy hair (yes someone actually told me that was their reason they didn't like black women) and the fact that we are too independent. (Incase u didn't know non black women are also independent). Fact of the matter is no matter how a black man categorizes us we are women and women are the same regardless of race. Yes our approach initially to a situation may be different but at the end of the day if provoked we all can get a little crazy.

Also many of the music videos out today rarely show darker skinned women. Is it possible that they do believe that lighter women are generally more attractive??

Magazines

Recently the top 100 most beautiful people list came out and so did Maxims 100 hottest women came out and I believe only 5 percent max featured black women as one of the top 100 hottest or beautiful women. Now I could probably list at least 10 people off the top of my head in show business that easily could have made the list and that's not discounting the 1000 others who could be considered but of course its top 100 so they had a limit but again why is it that the only 5 percent or less represented were black?? In my opinion the number 1 person I felt should not have been number black or not but then again beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Now I could go on and on about this topic and mind u these are all observations I have made. I am in now way shape or form saying I am a credible source. This is purely my opinion. You can choose to agree with me or disagree and again I do not agree with the writer of the article that black women are the least attractive because I don't think there is nothing written anywhere that outlines what beauty looks like but I do feel that so much is out that that could give this man the bases to make such judgements and we are not doing much to prove him wrong.

Beautiful just the way you are

This evening on my way to the gym, i was on the bus and I saw this young girl, standing with her huge back pack listening to her ipod. She looked about 13 with a shy demeanor about her yet slightly unsure of herself. Very innocent and all I could do was say a small prayer for her that she grows up to love herself and not let society and friends influence her to be someone she is not. I know weird for me to do that for someone I know nothing about but the world we live in today, you really dont know what people are going through so the best thing to do is say a prayer for them and wish them well...

I know my thoughts were far fetched and a bit extreme considering I knew nothing about this young girl but someone was telling me today how she was in the hospital with her teenage son and she saw a lot of anorexic teenagers who were near death because for some reason or the other they didnt believe that they were slim enough to be noticed. I am no expert on anorexia so it will be ignorant of me to say that they became anorexic because of societal pressures to be slim but for a teenage girl to be that sick obviously it may be fair to assume that is what it is.

Now most of you who have read my blogs and know who I am, may know that my own self image at times has not always been where it needs to be. I have tried excessive diets to lose the weight just to lose a few pounds and put it all on again because for some reason I believed that when the weight came off, it would stay off so you can imagine my disappointment when it kept coming back. Of course I was no near anorexic but what makes what I was doing any different than these bullemic or anorexic girls who are doing the same.

I will say this though, we are gradually becoming a society where we are beginning to accept people for who they are, big or small, tall or shot, fat or skinny but we still have a long way to go. We have to fight obesity, we have to fight anorexic and we have to fight the biggest problem, lack of self confidence which pretty much is the key to all the image problems that are faced by our young people today.

Once we learn to teach our young people especially our young women that beauty is not what you wear, how much make up you have on, how slim or fat you are but really what is in side of you then hopefully young people today wont be so concerned about their body image.

I no way shape or form am I promoting people to gain weight but I feel we need to really get out of this whole mentality that looking a certain way will make you more beautiful, or more desired or more popular. Parents need to teach their kids that taunting others and bullying others only makes you look like a coward and insecure because bullies are insecure people who dont feel they are good enough so they prey on people who they believe are beneath them when really these people are strong beautiful individduals who have done nothing wrong but accept that they are who they are but people obviously think they are not good enough.

While that young girl I saw today is just another young girl I hope that she grows up to be a beautiful self assured individual who learns to believe that her beauty has nothing to do with how she looks outwardly but what inside is what really counts. Lets try to stop bullying and anorexia. Lets get our magazines and tv shows to start showing that beautiful people do not come in a standard size but they all come in different shapes and sizes. Even models and TV stars dont look the way they portray them to be.

The Demise of the "Regular" black woman

Okay so I am lying in bed reading a book. I really should be studying but hey it looks like its about to rain and quite frankly my bed seems to call my name better than the damn text book. Anyway, my black berry goes off and its an email. Recently anytime I hear my blackberry go off indicating its an email I immediately check it because it could be a job asking for an interview(the things you go through when you are actively looking for work) anyway its an email from my girl and in the email is a link to a blog story. I actually read this blog occasionally. For any of you who are Essence Magazine readers its Demetria Lucas's blog "A belle in Brooklyn" Demetria Lucas is Essences's editor of love and relationships. She puts out the "Bachelor of the Month" articles in the magazine. The article simple states this "Visual Aesthetics" I'll post the link of the article at the bottom of the page so you can read for yourself but what I found out from the article was that now there is something called "Regular black".

Regular Black black from my understanding is anyone who does not have any other race in their blood stream. So for example anyone who doesnt possess any "exotic features" Nice curly hair, light skin shade, the thinner lips, more narrow nose, pretty much if both your parents are black, and the only link to any non black person is your non black co worker you sometimes go out to lunch with, then you are regular black.

Wow is all I can say! Regular black! Now being regular black seems not to be good enough. Its bad enough that for us regular black women, its already hard enough out tehre for us. I am not going to say white people have it easier but thats just the way it is. Now to be regular black you are not beautiful enough, or "exotic" enough to be considered beautiful. The article pretty much says her friends were not allowed into a club she was hosting because they were regular black. The bouncer was given the authority by the club owner that anyone who didnt meet the "visual aesthetics" of the club, meaning anyone who didnt have any exotic features were not mixed with any other type of race could not enter the club. HOw sick is that???????????? Why do we have to distinguish between black people. Why do the so called "lighter skinned" black people have to be given better treatement than dark skinned black people? Why is our skin colour so important?

I mean it goes back to the days of slavery where the light skinned black people were allowed in the masters house and the dark skinned were out in the field. For centuries light skinned people have been considered more beautiful than dark skinned people. Dont get me wrong I have nothing against light skinned people. Coming from a family where we have white ancestry and a lot of interracial marriages, I have a lot of family memebers who are light skinned. Would I call them more beautiful than my dark skinned relatives? No! Why? simply because we all have our own unique beauty. My mom always says, you are the shade of colour because God knew you wouldnt look good a different shade. I strongly believe that! Why should someone be more beautiful because they havea lighter shade skin colour?

I know some light skin people who I wouldnt consider attractive and I know some dark skin people that could make Halle Berry look ugly. However, does their skin colour really define how beautiful they are? Its a shame because I know quite a few men...and women who wouldnt date a dark skinned person because they think their kids will be too dark! Hmmmm...okay? I believe in personal preference. You might like a light skinned person because they may have some features that you find attractive fair enough, but do you have to put down the dark skinned person because God didnt give them that same features?

I am not going to say this mentality is exclusive to the black race because as you all know, Indians have the caste system where darker indians are usually lower class and the lighter indians are upper class, same goes with other groups of Asians and i am sure this mentality runs across all races....Funny enough though, The only race I find wish for darker skin is the caucasian race? Constantly under tanning beds, lying on the beach in the sun so they can get darker? its funny how the race that probably started this whole madness about the difference between the lighter and darker skinned people are those who are actually trying to darken their skin. I could be wrong, but think about it! If they like darker skin then why dont we appreciate what we have!

Its a very sad day when a woman despite her skin colour is turned away from the club because she doesnt meet the "visual aesthetics of the club" Bad style of dressing, I get that, being turned away because you are not light enough? makes no sense! Guess someone turned back time because this madness I thought had left the building!

http://www.abelleinbrooklyn.com/home/2010/9/1/visual-aesthetics.html

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My flaws

Hey guys, I am sorry I have been silent. Its funny how I thought having free time would mean I would write more but I havent been inspired lately so its been difficult to keep up but anyways I am back so here you go.

Few updates, I just celebrated a birthday! 30 is fast approaching and though I am actually looking forward to it, I can't help but wonder sometimes if I am ready? There is so much I thought I would have accomplished by my 30th birthday and though I have a little bit of time to accomplish those goals, I do feel the pressure to make it happen fast! It's not like I am not trying but its tough times...Its funny how we all have all these goals and dreams and deadlines we set for ourselves and then just like that, a twist in life happens and your goals and dreams are put on hold or maybe they change, it all depends on your circumstances and your state of mind at the time. I am not going to let it slow me down and stop me from achieving them but this time I am allowing God to lead the way and I will follow.

Okay so unto what my blog is about. I am sure from previous blogs, most of you have realised by now that I used to and sometimes still do have a poor image of my self. Its been a fighting process and its taking a lot of work to actually get my mind in that place where I can see myself and love every little bit of me. Of course there are some parts of me I love more than others and there are parts of me that I completely hate but I try not to let it get me down or stop me from loving the rest of me. Either way its an uphill battle I plan to fight and I pray that with time i will win this battle.

Anyway, I have recently had some more free time than I have wanted and if there is anything that I am afraid of is to have all this free time and use it to sit back and get fat. Not that being big is a bad thing but if you have been battling your weight like I have all my life then you know that weight is not my favourite thing. Anyway, so I have been hitting the gym extra hard and personallY i havent seen any results but I a few people have said they see a difference. So this afternoon, I decided to treat myself to a mani and pedi. Hey just cus money is not coming in doesnt mean I cant still look good...after all it is summer time and hammer toes is definitely not a good look. Anyways I board the bus on my way home and this older black lady gets on the bus. I see her staring at me...not necessarily smiling but not screw face either. I ignore her and keep on listening to my music minding my business. As this lady disembarks the bus at the station she taps me, I lean in and she says..." You have a super figure" Trust me that was the nicest and biggest compliment I have heard in a long time if not ever! I was immediately overjoyed!

I guess the purpose of my post is basically to say this. What you may think is unattractive is what others see as beautiful.Its amazing how we let our insecurities shiled us from seeing how beautiful we are. I recently read an article about what men surprisingly love about us and I quite frankly was surprised by some of the things men loved. Either way its okay to acknowledge and realise you have flaws but dont let it prevent you from letting others see your beauty!

Love all of me!

My self esteem has been very low for several years. There were times when I looked in the mirror I was completely repulsed by my image.I tried and tried to find something that made me consider myself beautiful and nothing, absolutely nothing stood out. All I could see where all my flaws, everything I needed to change, everything I didnt want. I hated me!

Whenever I left the house and I was out and about with my friends, I used to see how men would literally stop and come over to speak to them. Half the time they wouldnt even acknowledge I was there. I felt invisible, unattractive, completely ugly. I used to accept that when I went out, it was only natural that the guys will approach my friends and leave me out. There was a particular incident where I was out with my friend having a good time, and this amazing looking guy walked into the room. We were both in dumbfounded at how attractive he was. I honestly believed he was mine to have. My friend and I kept saying how he was ours and the other one would never have him. At last I saw him walk my way and i knew this was my moment and just like that he went straight to my friend, completely ignoring me once again. I must say, I was crushed. If my self esteem at that moment wasnt low enough, it definitely hit the ground that day.

I used to blame my inability to draw men on my appearance, how I looked, my size. Yes I am a bigger girl. Definitely not model size and to be honest, I doubt I would anything but plus size. To clearly describe myself, I once was joking around with my cousin and said I have a coke bottle shape and she responded "you do! a 2 litre bottle" I laughed obviously because she is younger and at that time she was also a "2 litre bottle" herself but it also made me realise that people viewed me as a big girl and with the society we live in today, big was not always better. I can't believe how many yoyo diets I went on, at one point I was completely obsessed with the way I looked, I would eat and immediately hit the ground do crunches believe that even if I ate an i did crunches the weight will never show. I started to obsess with what I ate two scared to eat but the minute someone noticed I had dropped a few pounds I believed that I go back to eating the way I did because I could not gain it back....I just did not feel beautiful.

Fastforwarding to today. I look at myself in the mirror and all i can ask myself is why??? Why didnt I find myself beautiful, why did I think I was all flaws and there was nothing beautiful about me? Now when I look in the mirror I see a beautiful person, someone with a good heart and a beautiful smile, Someone who has lips that look like they taste like fresh strawberries, eyes that could make the sun come out, skin so smooth a baby could be jealous teeth so straight a dentist would be and is very proud. I realise I am beautiful, I realise i have soo much to offer and i realise that the men did not approach me because they knew i had something to offer they couldnt offer back.

It took me awhile to get to this place and I am still working on staying in this place, yes I am still big and do i care how I look? maybe a little bit but I have decided to embrace myself because i know that although I might have a little extra on me, i have a shape that is beautiful and propotional to my size, I know my legs are beautiful and make high heel shoes want to stand proud on my feet. I know I am beautiful and so what if i can't be a model, I can be a plus size model and show other women that beauty does come in all shapes and sizes and I realise now that men do find me beautiful, but until I started to love myself I didnt realise that I had them looking

All I want to say is, love yourself and dont let anyone or anything bring you down. You might not look like the next girl but why would you want to? You are you! You have features that are unique to you and only you, No one should tell you how you should look and feel about yourself, no one should have to make you feel insignificant and non existant. Next time you run into a situation where someone makes you feel small, Look them in the eye and say" Love all of me" and walk away because if they make you feel small, you dont want them anyway!