What I learnt from this year

This has been an interesting year to say the least and although its not technically over, I think this time will be a good as any to share with you what I have taken from this year and hopefully what I will take or not take with me into the the new year.

This year has been interesting on many accounts. I think the best part of this year was having my whole family with me over the summer for a couple of weeks. For many people having your parents and of course your twin sister live across the world and only being able to see them at the most once a year if you are lucky is quite difficult. Of course my brother and I chose to stay back in Canada but at the same token it might have been a lot easier if they lived a couple of miles away but when the miles are over a thousand it gets harder and harder to deal. Being able to share the same roof for a change and be a family was fun. Reminded me of how important it is to have family close by and even though we fight and we often get on each others nerves the joy you experience being around people you love is absolutely priceless..

I managed to finish another leg in my educational journey...although its was not my ideal situation and its definitely was not the final leg, being able to achieve anything is amazing but I believe when your achievement are educational based its even more empowering because it means that your curiousity to learn and to accept that you still need to better yourself through education is important.

I quit a job I hated without another job in place to replace it. Daring move especially in these economic times but it came to a point where the money was not enough to keep me going. It came to a point where I felt most of my unhappiness stemed from being unhappy in my job and although it was a pay check...a bad one but nonetheless a pay check I had to give it up. Unfortunately I havent been lucky enough to find a replacement but I have been happier and more positive about my situation but most importantly I have felt more blessed because I realise that through my trials and tribulations I still have more than most and I am still able to do things I was doing while employed. Its taught me patience and its given me a chance to really reflect on who I am and what I want out of life and although I am still on the path of self discovery I realise my path is becoming more and more defined as each day passes.


This has brought new and true friends into my life and I also started losing or lost some very important people in my life as well. Not to death but I guess to life. It made me re-evaluate my relationships with people and not necessarily let go of people I felt were not working to keep our relationship going but it made me realise that I can't force a relationship. Sometimes the best thing in life is to realise that some people are meant to stay and some are meant to go. It hurt, it sucks, you cry, you get upset, you even get angry but sometimes letting go means a new beginning for something else and thats exactly what happened. I had a new beginning with an old friend and right now I believe our friendship is stronger than ever. Of course I can only pray our friendship stands the test of times and it gets richer and stronger with time but I do know that if it doesnt make it that far, I can look back with no regrets but appreciate their time in my life and what they brought to it, just like I can look back at the relationship I shared with friends I have lost and realise that although we are no longer what we used to be, they came at time when they were supposed to be there and left when they were supposed to leave. I will always love them and my heart will always hold a place for them and I know whatever we shared good or bad changed my life and who I am today.

What did I learn this year? well pretty much here it goes

I learnt that being beautiful doesnt mean you can fit into a smaller dress size, or you have a particular physical look but really who you are inside and how you love yourself. Its hard to expect people to consider you beautiful if you dont feel beautiful. I also learnt that I might never be slim but I can work on being healthy and most importantly accepting who I am. Until I accept who I am it doesnt matter if I lose 50lbs or not I will never believe I am beautiful.

I took away from this year that good friends no matter how far away they are will always be in your lives. You dont have to know someone for years to consider them a good friend but its important to know that a good friend accepts you for who you are. They love you through the pay and they rejoice with you through the happiness. When you kneel down to pray at night, not only are you praying for them but they are kneeling down at night praying for you as well. They have their faults just like you do but at the end of the day you know and learn that they are real and thats all that matters.

I learnt to accept that not everything you want in life comes when you want it. I have been on a long journey and to say I am half way they were would be a lie but I also know that I can't give up because things are not going as planned. As the saying goes, "If you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans." that being said, it doesnt mean because you have given it up to God you must stop fighting for him because although it takes God to get what you want, you can't get it if you dont work for it.

One of the most important lessons I learnt in life is patience. Just to add on to what I said above, being paitent takes a lot strength and self peace. Being someone who expected immediate results, going through this year made me realise that you can't rush life. If I had my eye opening moment about patience this year is probably when I heard the story of the 33 miners trapped underground. 33 miners trapped for 69 days and prior to their rescue they had no idea when their rescue day was. However, their strong faith in God and their patience aided in them surviving the full 69 days presumeably coming out healthy and in a sane state of mind that almost seems impossible to believe. Hearing their story just made me realise that with patience, God does answer prayers but at his own time.

I learnt that a man should not define me. A man should not be the reason I make decisions about how I look, what I do, where I work, who I am. It took me a long time and a lot of prayer and self reflection to realise how much I had let men define my life an it wasnt till I finally realised how much of an influence they had on my decisions in life was I able to finally let go and take charge. Hard to believe coming from someone who has pretty much been single for a very long time but I realised that depending on who I had feelings for at a particular time in my life, the decisions I made were decisions they subconsciously made for me. Decisions they probably were not aware they were making for me but looking back now they did. My sudden drive to lose weight, my desire to work or live in a particular place all came from their influence and though some of the decisions where probably good decisions for me, they were not my own decisions and breaking away from that has given me the power to finally be me.

I think the most important lesson I have learnt this year is staying true to myself. Going after i want, not being afraid to make decisions that can be life altering but they make me happy. I have had soo much influence in my life, decisions made I may not have been happy with but fear prevented me from voicing my concerns. Not allowing people to take advantage of me. Not being afraid to speak when things are wrong instead of keeping quiet and trying to take it all in. It may upset them that I said what was on my mind but keeping it all in and hurting is far more damaging than letting them know the truth.
*I learnt that family wants whats best for you but they may not really know what is best for you.
*Job hunting sucks but its very humbling.
*Education may be the key to success but it doesnt mean it is the key to success
*Love hurts and its okay to cry when your heart breaks but to give up on love is to give up on yourself.
*I really love watching tv and I am not afraid to say it.
*Working out is hard but the benefits are priceless
*Its okay to ask for help. You cant do it all and sometimes its okay to ask for help.
*Men might never put the seat down on the toilet
*Not everyone wants your happiness but it also doesnt mean you must hide your joy
*How you treat people may not necessarily mean they will treat you the same way
*Cant compare my situation to others. Just because they may have it going on doesnt mean your life is really that bad.
*Women are beautiful creatures and we come in all shapes and colours and sizes but being a black woman has been an amazing journey and i couldnt have asked to be anything else.
*It takes a lot of energy to stay depressed and most times when I give in to my depression everything goes wrong but the minute I decide to let it go and stay positive I realise how much easier it is to be happy than it is to be sad.
*That my problems are really not bad. It could be a lot worse but its not so I have to stay grateful
*Its okay to date yourself. Its okay to treat yourself out to a day on your own. Sitting in a movie theatre alone doesnt mean you are a loser but it means you are comfortable with yourself enough to know you can go out on your own and not have anyone with you but still enjoy yourself
*Last but definitely not least. When you have God in your life nothing is impossible. Never lose faith in God and all your prayers will be answered. Not when you call but he will be there when the time is right

So as I enter this new year I hope the lessons I learnt will help me be a better person in the new year and though it may be difficult at times I know nothing stays the same.

It Sucks but Ohhh well..

I may have written a blog similar to this before but hey its something that keeps invading my mind so I am going to write on it again. I happen to have finished school at a time when the world pretty much went to Hell! Okay so maybe not right away but it seems like every path I took seemed to have been the wrong path. I got out of school enthusiastic, ready to face the world. Nothing or no one was going to stop me from rising that corporate ladder. 5 years later I am still trying to get through that damn door! Anyway I went back to school, thought I'll try a new career path, maybe with much luck I'll have better success with that. I finished school a couple of months ago and I am yet to hear that phone ring with even an interview prospect.

Its hard! Its tough and sometimes its very discouraging. There are many days where I would wake up, take a shower and lie on the couch till night fall because I have no desire to keep pressing on! Its gotten to the point where I am reapplying to the jobs I have already applied to hoping my preseverance will finally get the eye of the recruiter.

However, as hard and as discouraging as it is, I dont want to give up. I dont want to give in to my doubt, into my frustration because I know that the minute I give in to it, it means I have given up. I have accepted defeat. its a lot harder when constantly you hear your parents ramming it into your ear to give up, pack up and move back home. "it will be a lot easier here, we will set you up, you will be okay! No need to worry about your rent and food, all will be taken care off, just sign on the dotted line give us your life and all will be well"...of course not exactly in those words but in my opinion thats pretty much what it means. I dont fault them, I am not upset with them and sometimes I actually think they are right. They mean well and any parent who loves their kids want to do whatever they can to make their lives easier. Unfortunately for them I am extremely stubborn and hard headed. I refuse to give in to their request or offers. To me accepting their offer means i have failed, to me it means I cannot survive on my own and because my biggest fear is failure I will rather keep at this struggle than to give in to their defeat knowing in my spirit that my God above will see me through.

I have actually thought of doing my own thing, forgetting the whole tradtional career thing and breaking out on my own. Might be a lot harder than actually getting a job but I know the benefits will be worth while. I might actually become more successful than if I ever worked for someone...i dont know...i am rambling now...

I just needed to get this off my chest. Another rejection letter came in today and I wont lie, it has me upset a bit. It seems like besides the silent fones, my inbox is filled with rejection letters but hey I guess thats life! You have to be rejected a hundred times to be accepted that one time! Lets hope that my one time is coming sooner than later!

I am not worthy

I remember when I was a child, and I would look 10 years ahead and realise in 10 years I would be in my 20's and I think about how in 10 years I could have a kid, a job a house to live in a husband to come home to and I would say wow!! I can't believe all that could happen to me in 10 years. Well 10 years later and I am still looking 10 years ahead but this time I am asking myself, "Will I ever get the job, the house, the kids, the husband? is it ever going to happen"

I am almost 30...a few years shy and I sometimes look at my life and I wonder where did I go wrong? Why haven't I achieved the goals I set out for myself. I look at my friends, and I wonder, what did they do right? Why are they light years ahead of me and i am falling behind. We all received the same quality education,we were all afforded similiar lifestyles so what did they do right that I didnt do? I feel soo unaccomplished, so unworthy so insignificant so inferior.

I often look at my resume and at times I am ashamed to send it off because I believe at my age, I should accomplished so much,I should have reached so far yet, all I have are high school related work experience and a college degree that obviously is not working its magic. I wonder, who did I piss off? why does my life suck? Almost 30, in debt, no job that actually could lead to a career, sharing an apartment with my younger brother who makes more money than me and to top it off, I cant seem to catch the attention of any man. I get turned down by the men I like and even the men I dont like dont seem to approach me, my weight is up and down and some days I really do not know what to do with my hair. In fact at times, I really believe I am cursed.


Errrrrrrrrrrrr.....stop! Pump the break! I listen to myself whine and I wonder what the hell is wrong with me??????????? It's like I refuse to acknowledge everything else I have going on in my life and I focus on what I dont have. At times I sound ungrateful and sometimes I can't even blame others for not wanting to be around me. I can be sooo negetive.


It took me a long time, but now I realise, life is not a race. So what if my time hasnt come?It doesnt mean its not coming it doesnt mean everything I am going through is here to stay. the most important factor is I am taking charge of my life. I have put my trust in God, but I am also taking action to take my life where I need it togo. I am back in school to upgrade my skills so I can get my career started, I am not concerning myself too much with trying to find someone to fall in love with because I believe I need to be in a place in my life where I love myself completely so I can give my heart to someone without relying on them to make me happy. My weight issues I am taking action to get to a more healthy state. I also made a decision to not compare myself to other people. I realise now that although they maybe where I want to be, I do not know their struggle, I do not know what they had to sacrifice to get there. Plus I also believe that some of us may have a late start but when we start going, we accelerate and we end up getting there faster than we had anticipated.

It's hard to stay positive in these trying times, especially when it seems like your world is caving in and nothing seems to work out and I'll be lying if i say I am in a place in my life where everything is working for me because I am far from there but I also know that everything will work out eventually. As long as I keep my trust in God and I keep pushing I will get there. Its hard and its difficult but I'll get there. I have also decided that I am not going to allow myself to feel inferior to anyone because they have achieved alot. Just because they have acheived a lot doesnt mean they are any better than I am.

I will get there because I am worthy!