Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder

I am sure a lot of you have heard about the article published and then pulled out of the Psychology today journal titled black women are the least attractive women. I haven't read the article personally but clips of it here and there that I have seen, the writer states objectively black women are the least attractive yet subjectively we believe we are more attractive than we really are. As terrible as that sounds and as untrue as that statement is, you can't help to wonder why he believes this is so and does the world secretly agree with him yet are too afraid of being politically incorrect so we all remain quiet.

Of course I do not agree with his thesis in any shape or form and I am not going to point out which race has the least attractive women or people for that matter because in all honesty beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder so my definition of beauty might not necessarily be your definition and vice verse but to come out and point out one race of women is least attractive than the other is wrong.

However, my blog is not to bash the writer but to really explore that topic and find if to some extent we (black women) give this man the bases to come to this conclusion. I am going to break it down into topics and discuss each separately.

Hair

As you know black womens hair comes in all different textures and and length. Naturally, our hair is course, tightly coiled and weaker when wet. Yet due to chemical products, electrically engineered tools and the help of an asian women we are able to straighten, lenghten and change our hair texture. Now for someone who has gone through the motions with her hair and has finally decided to wear her hair the way God created me, plus some colour to give me some pizzazz I can totally relate to the frustration of needing to straighten our sometimes unruly mane, however when we go as far as to dye our hair blond(a colour I personally doesn't go quite well with dark skin and would like to think God thought so as well and hence us having black hair) and to put in 5 foot weaves, you can't help but wonder do we do these things because we see our lighter skinned sisters(and I mean non black) and admire their blond hair and long hair that we will do whatever to look like them? Of course I am in no way shape or form saying people dye their hair blond or put in long weaves to look white but is it possible some do exactly that for that reason?

Fading creams.

Now I am not stupid I know "fading creams" are to "fade away" blemishes from scares but we have all seen those who have gone as far as to use it to lighten their skin completely. Most recently and famously we know of Vybz Kartel the reggae and dancehall who completely went from dark to light and I am sure we have seen many women do the same. Now why do people do that?? Again you can blame it on the fact that it was a fade gone wrong or do they really find lighter skin more attractive??

Black men

Now you know I can't talk about black women without touching on black men. Of course with the increase of interracial marriages and relationships where majority of the interracial relationships being a black man with a non black women its only natural I touch on this. Now I personally have nothing against interracial relationships and having white ancestry myself I obviously cannot have anything against it. People have a preference and that's totally okay however there are some who in the process of dating outside their race have a tendency to down talk the black women by talking about not having long flowy hair (yes someone actually told me that was their reason they didn't like black women) and the fact that we are too independent. (Incase u didn't know non black women are also independent). Fact of the matter is no matter how a black man categorizes us we are women and women are the same regardless of race. Yes our approach initially to a situation may be different but at the end of the day if provoked we all can get a little crazy.

Also many of the music videos out today rarely show darker skinned women. Is it possible that they do believe that lighter women are generally more attractive??

Magazines

Recently the top 100 most beautiful people list came out and so did Maxims 100 hottest women came out and I believe only 5 percent max featured black women as one of the top 100 hottest or beautiful women. Now I could probably list at least 10 people off the top of my head in show business that easily could have made the list and that's not discounting the 1000 others who could be considered but of course its top 100 so they had a limit but again why is it that the only 5 percent or less represented were black?? In my opinion the number 1 person I felt should not have been number black or not but then again beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Now I could go on and on about this topic and mind u these are all observations I have made. I am in now way shape or form saying I am a credible source. This is purely my opinion. You can choose to agree with me or disagree and again I do not agree with the writer of the article that black women are the least attractive because I don't think there is nothing written anywhere that outlines what beauty looks like but I do feel that so much is out that that could give this man the bases to make such judgements and we are not doing much to prove him wrong.

Disgusted

On saturday,I was speaking to a friend and she told me a very disturbing story that came out of Ghana. Of course, I dont know the validity of this story and I refuse to watch the videos associated to this story nor will I post it on my blog for others to see because I refuse to take part in distributing this video but I am extremely appalled and disgusted by this story and I hope that something will be done about this unfortunate incident that happened in Ghana.

A young girl on the University of Ghana, Legon campus was caught stealing a laptop, of course as bad as stealing is, what was done to her is far worst than her stealing the lap top. She was caught by a group of guys who then started beating her up for stealing...not unusual in Ghana since most theives are beaten...to death at times and then to make matters worse, they strip her clothes and start filming the whole incident to the point of them filming her private parts. From what I hear, she was later raped.

Of course my part of the story is based on heresay but if anyone can verify the information for me, please feel free to comment on this blog.

What upsets me about this whole story is, the poor girl is now in police custody for the crime that she committed while the men are still out there. The fact that the boys are going unpunished...at least for now for this incident and the fact that they posted this video online is appalling! Why should any, be treated in this manner for stealing anything??????? Why does it always happen that in most cases when these situations involve a woman she is the one who gets the shorter end of the stick? Women all around the world seem to be punished for the mistakes they make when the men who choose to take drastic, inhumane disgusting action agains these women go scott free.

Before you rush to say North America is excluded, Just a few weeks ago, a Police officer in Toronto, who was giving a talk at one of the University came out and said that if young women didnt dress like sluts they wouldnt be targeted for rape. He came back later to apologise but believe me when I say women in canada didnt not let him go scot free for making such a statement. They took to the streets and protested against that statement. Women in Arab countries are put to death, beaten,canned what have you for their transgressions but then what happens to these men? Nothing!

I really hope that women groups around the world will take a stance on this issue. I really hope that people stand up against such injustice. Most importantly we need to stop distributing this video!

I am totally disgusted by what has happeend and I hope you are too.

What I learnt from this year

This has been an interesting year to say the least and although its not technically over, I think this time will be a good as any to share with you what I have taken from this year and hopefully what I will take or not take with me into the the new year.

This year has been interesting on many accounts. I think the best part of this year was having my whole family with me over the summer for a couple of weeks. For many people having your parents and of course your twin sister live across the world and only being able to see them at the most once a year if you are lucky is quite difficult. Of course my brother and I chose to stay back in Canada but at the same token it might have been a lot easier if they lived a couple of miles away but when the miles are over a thousand it gets harder and harder to deal. Being able to share the same roof for a change and be a family was fun. Reminded me of how important it is to have family close by and even though we fight and we often get on each others nerves the joy you experience being around people you love is absolutely priceless..

I managed to finish another leg in my educational journey...although its was not my ideal situation and its definitely was not the final leg, being able to achieve anything is amazing but I believe when your achievement are educational based its even more empowering because it means that your curiousity to learn and to accept that you still need to better yourself through education is important.

I quit a job I hated without another job in place to replace it. Daring move especially in these economic times but it came to a point where the money was not enough to keep me going. It came to a point where I felt most of my unhappiness stemed from being unhappy in my job and although it was a pay check...a bad one but nonetheless a pay check I had to give it up. Unfortunately I havent been lucky enough to find a replacement but I have been happier and more positive about my situation but most importantly I have felt more blessed because I realise that through my trials and tribulations I still have more than most and I am still able to do things I was doing while employed. Its taught me patience and its given me a chance to really reflect on who I am and what I want out of life and although I am still on the path of self discovery I realise my path is becoming more and more defined as each day passes.


This has brought new and true friends into my life and I also started losing or lost some very important people in my life as well. Not to death but I guess to life. It made me re-evaluate my relationships with people and not necessarily let go of people I felt were not working to keep our relationship going but it made me realise that I can't force a relationship. Sometimes the best thing in life is to realise that some people are meant to stay and some are meant to go. It hurt, it sucks, you cry, you get upset, you even get angry but sometimes letting go means a new beginning for something else and thats exactly what happened. I had a new beginning with an old friend and right now I believe our friendship is stronger than ever. Of course I can only pray our friendship stands the test of times and it gets richer and stronger with time but I do know that if it doesnt make it that far, I can look back with no regrets but appreciate their time in my life and what they brought to it, just like I can look back at the relationship I shared with friends I have lost and realise that although we are no longer what we used to be, they came at time when they were supposed to be there and left when they were supposed to leave. I will always love them and my heart will always hold a place for them and I know whatever we shared good or bad changed my life and who I am today.

What did I learn this year? well pretty much here it goes

I learnt that being beautiful doesnt mean you can fit into a smaller dress size, or you have a particular physical look but really who you are inside and how you love yourself. Its hard to expect people to consider you beautiful if you dont feel beautiful. I also learnt that I might never be slim but I can work on being healthy and most importantly accepting who I am. Until I accept who I am it doesnt matter if I lose 50lbs or not I will never believe I am beautiful.

I took away from this year that good friends no matter how far away they are will always be in your lives. You dont have to know someone for years to consider them a good friend but its important to know that a good friend accepts you for who you are. They love you through the pay and they rejoice with you through the happiness. When you kneel down to pray at night, not only are you praying for them but they are kneeling down at night praying for you as well. They have their faults just like you do but at the end of the day you know and learn that they are real and thats all that matters.

I learnt to accept that not everything you want in life comes when you want it. I have been on a long journey and to say I am half way they were would be a lie but I also know that I can't give up because things are not going as planned. As the saying goes, "If you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans." that being said, it doesnt mean because you have given it up to God you must stop fighting for him because although it takes God to get what you want, you can't get it if you dont work for it.

One of the most important lessons I learnt in life is patience. Just to add on to what I said above, being paitent takes a lot strength and self peace. Being someone who expected immediate results, going through this year made me realise that you can't rush life. If I had my eye opening moment about patience this year is probably when I heard the story of the 33 miners trapped underground. 33 miners trapped for 69 days and prior to their rescue they had no idea when their rescue day was. However, their strong faith in God and their patience aided in them surviving the full 69 days presumeably coming out healthy and in a sane state of mind that almost seems impossible to believe. Hearing their story just made me realise that with patience, God does answer prayers but at his own time.

I learnt that a man should not define me. A man should not be the reason I make decisions about how I look, what I do, where I work, who I am. It took me a long time and a lot of prayer and self reflection to realise how much I had let men define my life an it wasnt till I finally realised how much of an influence they had on my decisions in life was I able to finally let go and take charge. Hard to believe coming from someone who has pretty much been single for a very long time but I realised that depending on who I had feelings for at a particular time in my life, the decisions I made were decisions they subconsciously made for me. Decisions they probably were not aware they were making for me but looking back now they did. My sudden drive to lose weight, my desire to work or live in a particular place all came from their influence and though some of the decisions where probably good decisions for me, they were not my own decisions and breaking away from that has given me the power to finally be me.

I think the most important lesson I have learnt this year is staying true to myself. Going after i want, not being afraid to make decisions that can be life altering but they make me happy. I have had soo much influence in my life, decisions made I may not have been happy with but fear prevented me from voicing my concerns. Not allowing people to take advantage of me. Not being afraid to speak when things are wrong instead of keeping quiet and trying to take it all in. It may upset them that I said what was on my mind but keeping it all in and hurting is far more damaging than letting them know the truth.
*I learnt that family wants whats best for you but they may not really know what is best for you.
*Job hunting sucks but its very humbling.
*Education may be the key to success but it doesnt mean it is the key to success
*Love hurts and its okay to cry when your heart breaks but to give up on love is to give up on yourself.
*I really love watching tv and I am not afraid to say it.
*Working out is hard but the benefits are priceless
*Its okay to ask for help. You cant do it all and sometimes its okay to ask for help.
*Men might never put the seat down on the toilet
*Not everyone wants your happiness but it also doesnt mean you must hide your joy
*How you treat people may not necessarily mean they will treat you the same way
*Cant compare my situation to others. Just because they may have it going on doesnt mean your life is really that bad.
*Women are beautiful creatures and we come in all shapes and colours and sizes but being a black woman has been an amazing journey and i couldnt have asked to be anything else.
*It takes a lot of energy to stay depressed and most times when I give in to my depression everything goes wrong but the minute I decide to let it go and stay positive I realise how much easier it is to be happy than it is to be sad.
*That my problems are really not bad. It could be a lot worse but its not so I have to stay grateful
*Its okay to date yourself. Its okay to treat yourself out to a day on your own. Sitting in a movie theatre alone doesnt mean you are a loser but it means you are comfortable with yourself enough to know you can go out on your own and not have anyone with you but still enjoy yourself
*Last but definitely not least. When you have God in your life nothing is impossible. Never lose faith in God and all your prayers will be answered. Not when you call but he will be there when the time is right

So as I enter this new year I hope the lessons I learnt will help me be a better person in the new year and though it may be difficult at times I know nothing stays the same.

Bring back the 90s

My title I know probably suggest a few things....One I may be reminscing about the 90s and realised how much fun I had or 2, I am in my 90's rnb mode and realised how great music was back then. If you are thinking 1 or 2 you are on the right track but not necessarily right on point.

Okay so for the past couple of days I have been listening to 90's rnb and maybe a few early 2000's and comparing it to music today, they definitely had it right back then. Music today in my humble opinion has lost its way. We focus too much on the beat than on the lyrics and when we do actually listen to the lyrics its talking about how to mistreat each other, how we have very little respect for ourselves and quite frankly our over hyped sexuality. It seems like in this day and age sex is ruling the world! If you are not having any you suck and if you are having some, its about how many people can you get! Our music has lost respect for the craft and for the people who listen to it.

Listening to 90s music, I do realise there was a lot of talk about sexuality but I noticed that it was more about making love than it was about having sex or to be extremely blunt and crass...fucked! There is no such thing as trying to make you my wife, now its about how many baby mammas do I have or how can I make you eat me out the right way...its sad but our music in my personal opinion has gone down the drain.

Well now lets talk about how the music is influencing our lives. So I am an 80s baby and in the 90s I was heading into my teens, My experience with men in my teens were very rare...if he wasnt a friend I played ball with I had no business with him so maybe I may not know what I am talking about here but bare with me. In my very humble opinion I like to think that men back in the 90's had more respect for women, they treated them better, they spoke to them better and quite frankly the men were better. Fast forward to 2010, It seems like men dont have any respect for us. The little things that were not tolerated back in the day seems to be the norm these days. With the advancement of technology it seems like men for some reason have just lost it! They dont care about how they make women feel, how they treat them or if they even matter.

Now I am not saying all the men in this decade are like that. I know quite a number of decent men and I know quite a number of trifling women. Yes some of us are to blame for the way the men treat us. Its not soley their faults but it just seems like a lot is going now in relationships that just makes no sense and I am trying to make sense of it all! Men now just seem more rude, more crass and just less respectful. They really dont care whose feelings they hurt or who they have to step on. I like to consider myself quite respectful and I like to treat other people with respect but it just seems like the more respect I show others the more disrespect I get. Are my expectations too high? Do I honestly believe I am all that and maybe I am not and thats why i am disrespected? Of course no one has done anything crazy like treat me like the Situation did to that silly girl on the last episode of Jersey shore for those of you who watched but it just seems like common curteousy and respect is out the window.... I dont know.. In my opinion they just dont make them like they used to!

Can someone please bring back the 90s????

your thoughts?

The Demise of the "Regular" black woman

Okay so I am lying in bed reading a book. I really should be studying but hey it looks like its about to rain and quite frankly my bed seems to call my name better than the damn text book. Anyway, my black berry goes off and its an email. Recently anytime I hear my blackberry go off indicating its an email I immediately check it because it could be a job asking for an interview(the things you go through when you are actively looking for work) anyway its an email from my girl and in the email is a link to a blog story. I actually read this blog occasionally. For any of you who are Essence Magazine readers its Demetria Lucas's blog "A belle in Brooklyn" Demetria Lucas is Essences's editor of love and relationships. She puts out the "Bachelor of the Month" articles in the magazine. The article simple states this "Visual Aesthetics" I'll post the link of the article at the bottom of the page so you can read for yourself but what I found out from the article was that now there is something called "Regular black".

Regular Black black from my understanding is anyone who does not have any other race in their blood stream. So for example anyone who doesnt possess any "exotic features" Nice curly hair, light skin shade, the thinner lips, more narrow nose, pretty much if both your parents are black, and the only link to any non black person is your non black co worker you sometimes go out to lunch with, then you are regular black.

Wow is all I can say! Regular black! Now being regular black seems not to be good enough. Its bad enough that for us regular black women, its already hard enough out tehre for us. I am not going to say white people have it easier but thats just the way it is. Now to be regular black you are not beautiful enough, or "exotic" enough to be considered beautiful. The article pretty much says her friends were not allowed into a club she was hosting because they were regular black. The bouncer was given the authority by the club owner that anyone who didnt meet the "visual aesthetics" of the club, meaning anyone who didnt have any exotic features were not mixed with any other type of race could not enter the club. HOw sick is that???????????? Why do we have to distinguish between black people. Why do the so called "lighter skinned" black people have to be given better treatement than dark skinned black people? Why is our skin colour so important?

I mean it goes back to the days of slavery where the light skinned black people were allowed in the masters house and the dark skinned were out in the field. For centuries light skinned people have been considered more beautiful than dark skinned people. Dont get me wrong I have nothing against light skinned people. Coming from a family where we have white ancestry and a lot of interracial marriages, I have a lot of family memebers who are light skinned. Would I call them more beautiful than my dark skinned relatives? No! Why? simply because we all have our own unique beauty. My mom always says, you are the shade of colour because God knew you wouldnt look good a different shade. I strongly believe that! Why should someone be more beautiful because they havea lighter shade skin colour?

I know some light skin people who I wouldnt consider attractive and I know some dark skin people that could make Halle Berry look ugly. However, does their skin colour really define how beautiful they are? Its a shame because I know quite a few men...and women who wouldnt date a dark skinned person because they think their kids will be too dark! Hmmmm...okay? I believe in personal preference. You might like a light skinned person because they may have some features that you find attractive fair enough, but do you have to put down the dark skinned person because God didnt give them that same features?

I am not going to say this mentality is exclusive to the black race because as you all know, Indians have the caste system where darker indians are usually lower class and the lighter indians are upper class, same goes with other groups of Asians and i am sure this mentality runs across all races....Funny enough though, The only race I find wish for darker skin is the caucasian race? Constantly under tanning beds, lying on the beach in the sun so they can get darker? its funny how the race that probably started this whole madness about the difference between the lighter and darker skinned people are those who are actually trying to darken their skin. I could be wrong, but think about it! If they like darker skin then why dont we appreciate what we have!

Its a very sad day when a woman despite her skin colour is turned away from the club because she doesnt meet the "visual aesthetics of the club" Bad style of dressing, I get that, being turned away because you are not light enough? makes no sense! Guess someone turned back time because this madness I thought had left the building!

http://www.abelleinbrooklyn.com/home/2010/9/1/visual-aesthetics.html

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Are black women really that bad?

I have been trying to avoid touching on this subject because I believe its the most talked about subject in todays world and quite frankly I am sick and tired of hearing or speaking about it, However, each day, this subject is brought up again and I really think its time I shared my opinion on this matter once and for all.

For those of you who know me, I am a black woman and for those fo you who dont, well now you know. Yes my ancestry is African and like most African women I have been highly influenced by the African heritage I come from. There are many things about my heritage that define me. Also my mother is African and she has done a lot to define who I am as well but that being said and done, I was also born in North America and lived and continue to live here so there are many things about this society that defines me. Anyone who is a black woman in North America understands that we have many hurdles to jump and each day a hurdle jumped is an achievement however, the race is far from over so the number of hurdles we have yet to jump are too many to count, yet many of us do not let the race slow us down because we know that winning is what matters.

Now to my topic, It seems like more now than ever, this whole topic of black men dating outside their race and their issues with black women has become more and more prevelant today than ever before. Statistics show that many of the marriages that involved black men, 22% were with a non black women. Statistic also shows that 47.5% of black women in North America may never make it down the aisle. Well there are several reasons for this, 1. There are more black men in jail than there are out so if black women choose to stay loyal to black men then chances are fewer black women will find long term committement. Secondly and this is probably the most debateble reason there is today, Black men find black women intimidating. We are too strong, we are too independent, our expectations of black men are unrealistic and we demand too much from our black men or in simple terms we are bitches so a lot of black men dont want to have anything to do with us. Okay, well if thats your reason, then all I can say is meet every single black woman on this face of the earth and then come back and make that statement as long as you can prove to me that every single black woman you came accross was the exact same way.


Before I go any further, let me say this and make this clear. I personally do not have any issues with interracial relationships. My great grandfather was a white scotsman and if you know my family, you could probably say we have an equal number of non black people as we have black people. Thus coming from a very multicultural background who am I to say I have a problem with interracial relationships. My issue is, if you choose to date or marry outside your race, you have no right, to sit back and degrade your own race because of that. Granted your reason for dating outside your race is your reason and your reason alone, However, if you have an issue with black women, then you obviously have your own issues.

Okay so the common reasons why some black men have stated why they choose to date outside their race is because, they believe black women are too strong, too independent, we are dont want to cook and clean, we expect our men to work all day yet we wont have a hot cooked meal ready for him, we pretty much do not serve, worship and obey our men. First and foremost, let me make this clear, I do not worship serve and obey anyone but my Father above.If you have a problem with that then lets keep it moving. Secondly, I like to believe that all my strong, independent, well educated female friends that I currently have, are not just black women, but white, asian, latino, green red, yellow, you name it I got it and they share my exact same opinion. Yes our approach to men may be slightly different but all in all, none of us believe we are slaves and servants to our men(or soon to be men) We strongly believe that a relationship is a partnership, granted you may not have all the traits that I possesses and vice versa, but we know our weaknesses and our strengths, so where you are lacking I make up for it and vice versa. Therefore, if you cant cook, well then you clean and I cook or whatever else.

Also I strongly believe, a woman, black or white who becomes subservient to her man has self esteem issues. A woman who is accepting of a mediocre man, someone who does the bare minimum for survival has no ambition, no drive, no passion to be a better person than they are clearly has her own issues. Now I am not going to sit back and say because I have a masters degree, you must have a masters degree, or that if I make six figures you must make 7. NO thats not the case at all. I believe, that as a black woman living in North america, in this world, if I have managed to achieve so much and I continue to strive to achieve more than you have no excuse. Yes you might be a truck driver and i may be a high powered ceo. We might not be on equal footing professionally, but i am not going to walk by you because of what you have professionally, but I'll tell you what will make me keep walking, is knowing you are okay with where you are at and have drive to be better. Some people are okay with being mediocre and thats fine and fair, but for me, I believe if you have the potential to be better and I am not talking financially because you can have all the money in the world and it can go tomorrow, but my belief is if you know you can do better and you dont try to do better while I am trying to do beter then how can we be together? I like to think my white sisters, asian sisters and latino sisters feel exactly the same way as I do on this topic.

Personally I feel a man who expects his wife/fiance/girlfriend to be anything less than the best is insecure and lazy. A man who doesnt want a woman to push him to be better is obviously not driven and ambitious. Yes I will admit that some of our women are a bit too strong in their approach and sometimes their form of encouragement might be a bit to harsh and degrading but if a man can honestly open his mouth and say he finds a woman intimidating then quite frankly I believe you are not man enough. No man should find a woman intimidating if he realises you are only expecting him to be the best that he is.

I use this analogy, any woman, black or white, if they have a child, who is not doing their best in school and they are really not working hard to make the grades in school, is not going to sit back and say "you know what, its okay that you are not making good grades, its okay that you are failing school, just as long as you are in school I am okay with that" Find me a woman who has said that then honestly i believe she is not a good mother. A good mother will see their child is slacking off in school, goofing around, not doing their best and will demand that they sit up and work hard, they might enroll them in tutoring sessions, they will ground them, they might do whatever they need to do to get their child to improve in school until they see their child excell. Now the same way a good woman will see her man and see he has potential and will push and encourage him to do better...granted each womans approach will be different but a good woman will do that.

Now tell me, why ar eblack women always put on blast, well a friend of mine put it simply, because black men are soo quick to call a black woman out on what she does, You never hear a white man going off about white women, an asian man about asian women or a latino man about latino women. Not to say each woman in each race doesnt have their issues but they love their women good or bad and are accepting of them. I can tell you this, you can find any kind of woman in any race, so for a black man to put a black woman in one category and assume every black woman is the same way, then that shows your lack of education because just like you will find a head strong, independent black woman you will find the same in a white woman an asian women and a latino woman... A strong independent good man will see a woman and what she has and appreciate it regardless of her race. Personally i think when a man dates a non black women because of the colour of her skin, If i was that woman I would be worried because it goes to show, he doesnt love all of me but part of men.

Thats my two cents and thats all I am going to say on this topic. Feedback is necessary and this is my opinion.