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When you walk into my bedroom the first thing you see is this huge poster on my wall that I made. I call it my vision board. Unlike the traditional vision board that has a bunch of pictures on them that people visualize what they want in their life, their goals, dreams and aspirations, mine are words. My goals I wish to accomplish. Some of my goals are materialistic, physical goals, others are more emotional and spiritual. I have it on top of my bed as my way of constantly reminding myself of what I have to do to get my goals achieved. The other day, I walked in and looked at my board and I immediately felt sad. Sad because I realized that the year has almost ended and I don't think I have achieved a single goal. I don't think my goals were unrealistic, or hard to achieve but for some reason, nothing worked out as I had planned. A lot of uncertainty came my way as well as unforeseen plans that were not escapable so I really couldn't go ahead with a lot of what I had hoped to achieve but it still left me sad. Sad because I felt my life was moving along but I wasn't moving along with it. Each day passes and I realize I am getting older so less time to really get it all done, but as I scrolled down my list, I came across one of my goals and it immediately had me feeling more at peace with where I am at. The goal I had put up was " be content with what you have." Often times, we look around us, to the people nearest us, to famous people, leaders, and sometimes family and we often compare ourselves with them. Sometimes we feel less adequate than them and other times we feel superior. No matter how hard we deny these feelings we cant help it. We are human. You may feel happiness, joy and pride to watch those around you succeed but that deep gut feeling within you always says "why not me?" other times we are like thank God its not me but we are made this way, to compare ourselves with others. Yes we may say, you don't know the persons story, or don't compare everyones journey is different but we cant help it. Our the fabric of what we are made of doesn't allow us to be truly happy with what we have. I know that's one area I constantly struggle with. Yes I am fueled by other peoples achievements, their successes, their out come, but at the same time, I wonder when my time will come, where people will look at me and say " I want too be her when I grow up" What I am realizing though is, there is soo much in my life I should be proud of. I may not be where I want to be but I am where I need to be and I am still moving. As much as I complain and I cry and whine and wish and pray for me, I have so much already.So yes I have a long list of things I wish to achieve, of things I hope one day I can say I did this. But until then I m going to keep pushing and pressing and not give up but while am doing it, realize how far I have come. A common saying I am seeing more now due to all the fitness pages I follow on instagram is this " Even the greatest failure is better than nothing because it means you tried" So although I am not where I want to be, or have what I want, I am trying and that's all that matters.

Thanks!

Lately I've been going through some things. I've been having a very difficult time and my mood and attitude has kinda sucked lately. I am usually very good at handling stress but lately my tolerance for everything has been low. People try to avoid me because they are afraid I will snap, others, feel like I am negative all the time and some pretty much think I've become a bitch. I wont lie I am everything people have called me and I am not proud of it. Its just that sometimes when you are extremely exhausted, mentally and emotionally drained and there is no end in sight, you lose who you are. I pray for change and hopefully God will answer my prayers sooner than later. Someone recently told me that my blogs sound like a pity party for a party of one so to show people that my blogs aren't always a "pity party" and that I can actually blog about something positive, here are a list of things I am actually thankful for in my life. With Thanksgiving on Monday(Canada) I believe this is more than a better time to reflect on the good in my life. So here is my list of things to be thankful and grateful for. 1. Family: Both nuclear and extended. Always there for me when I need them most. We fight, we scream, we laugh we cry, we criticize, we support yet at the end of the day, I wouldn't change them for the world. 2. Friends. I've been blessed. I have a very tight yet small group of friends I can count on for EVERYTHING. We may not always see eye to eye on everything, but I do know that my life wouldn't be the same without them...both new and old. 3.Work: Shocking, especially recently with everything going on. But I am grateful to at least have something to wake up for every morning. It at least provides me with money to have me go and come as I please, pay my bills and sometimes keep my brain functioning. 4.Church: I am a strong believer in God. Lately my faith has been wavering and sometimes I wonder if God can hear me but I am lucky to have a priest and congregation that keep me grounded and support me as much as I can. Each time I feel like all is lost, I always have someone shake my hand, hug me or share a kind word with me that keeps me going and my faith restored. I am not an active participate in my church yet each time I walk through those doors I feel at peace. There is definitely something to be said about communing with the community. 5. My Doctor: So I know a lot of people don't really like their doctors, well because anytime you go to your doctor is because something is wrong and no one wants to know something is wrong however in my case my doctor has helped me make my life better, his constant listening ear whenever I need to vent, helping me with my diet and exercising and encouraging and pushing me to be better in everything I do but also making me feel its alright when there are days when I cant do it all. I am definitely thankful for that. 6. Travel: I LOVE to travel. Probably the only thing that prevents me from travelling as much as I could are money and work. However, if I had the chance, I probably would travel every day of my life if I could. I am thankful that I am in a position that I really don't have any restrictions to travel and whenever I decide to travel somewhere I can do it. 7.Reality TV/TV Shows: Okay weird thing to be thankful for but trust me, reality tv actually keeps me sane. Watching other peoples crazy live actually helps me distress and take my mind off my own problems for a bit. As ridiculous as some shows are, I really am grateful that I have the chance to watch them. Also I cant forget Scandal! I am so glad its back on air. I finally feel my life is complete. Yes I am unavailable every Thursday night from now till May. 8.The gym: I cant believe I am saying this because there was a time when you couldn't pay me to go to the gym but I LOVE THE GYM!! I love it, love it, love it! My day doesn't feel complete until I have had a good decent work out. I have actually left work some days when I really should stay behind and wrap up my work just so I can make it to the gym. The gym keeps me sane. Its a good way to work off my aggression, It helps me stay healthy and fit and I love how my body is transforming since I started working out. 9.Sweets: Ever since I started my healthy life style, Desserts and processed sugars have sorta had to take a hike...well not permanently but I don't over indulge as much as I would like to. However if there is something I love about the gym is the fact that as long as I put in good work in the gym, indulging once in awhile is not as painful. Sweets make me happy, anything sweet makes me smile...what can I say. I am Fanti, We love sweets! 10. My phone: Okay I am not necessarily a technology geek but I do love gadgets, however so far my favourite is my fone. I am seriously addicted to my fone. I could probably deal with losing my purse over my fone. Not only is it my connection to the world via, whatsapp, text, phone call, facebook, Skype, twitter, instagram, its also my personal computer, my music player my information hub, tv and sometimes mirror(yes I use my front facing camera to look at my face sometimes). 11. My Bed: Okay so I don't necessarily have the Most amazing bed in the world but its pretty darn close. I look forward to hanging out in my bed all day. love my bed. My next purchase big purchase is probably a new mattress(not because my mattress is bad but cus a new one sounds better) but I love it!! 12. Freshly shaved legs just before bed: I know I have talked about this in previous blogs but I absolutely love how the sheets feel against my legs when I shave before bed... I mean I wont suggest the guys try it cus men with shaved legs is just weird but if you could and you could hide your legs till your hair grows back I would soo recommend it! 13. Pineapples: I just love them! 14. My nose ring: I loooooooooooooove piercings and finally 3 times a charge...this piercing has finally stayed in. After 2 failed attempts of piercing my nose I finally found someone who could pierce my nose with a ring that actually stays in without falling out before it heals. I mean my piercing hasn't healed yet but here's hoping it does soon so I don't have to worry about the ring falling out. 15. Life: No matter how often I complain, no matter how stressed I get, no matter how often I may come across as negative, cry, or repeat the term "FML" I truly and honestly love my life. Its not perfect and I wouldn't mind somethings happening for me that hasn't happened yet but all in all I have a pretty good life and hopefully with time, patient, faith in God and money it will only get better.

Its all about me

Let me share something about me with you, I am a people pleaser. Yes I am. I don't kiss ass....I am too sarcastic to do that but I am a people pleaser. I don't please people because I like to see people happy or it brings me much joy but I please people because I want people to consider me a good person. That's my truth. Call me fake, say I am trying too hard or I just don't care but truth is this is who I am. I am not saying I don't like to see people happy or that it doesn't bring me joy, but I am also saying I do it because I want to be seen as a good person in people's eyes. Its a selfish trait, I will admit that, but its also a very difficult, close to impossible goal and at times brings me more misery than pleasure. Why do I want people to consider me a good person? Maybe because I am not secure enough in myself that I feel I need to make sure everyone likes me or its my personality trait... My doctor did clue me in that it is a personality trait and its just the way I am. Not to say that I am like this in all situations and that that I cant turn it off when and if necessary but lets just say this is my default mode. However what I am also beginning to realize is, pleasing people is actually not very fun. Its not as fulfilling as you would think it would be. Half the time, the people you try to please take advantage of your "kindness" and in some instances no matter how hard you try, some people will never be happy with how much of yourself you give. The past few weeks have been rough for me. Primarily because I felt it was necessary that I please people around me so that I can be considered good and hard working and necessary. I was running myself to the ground and most importantly I was unhappy. I felt if I didn't put in all my time and I didn't break my back I will lose my worth, I wouldn't be needed and I could ruin it for everyone. However the results of that were I was hurting those around me, I was constantly upset, I couldn't open my mouth without complaining or crying, I wasn't sleeping at night, I was having nightmares, My weight was dropping(not that I am complaining about that) and I was starting to feel physically and mentally sick. Someone actually suggested I get professional help to help me deal with all of this. One day after a particularly trying day, I had a long talk with my cousin and after that a talk with my friends and my doctor and they all told me the same thing. Set boundaries. Nothing you do, or nothing you say can guarantee the outcome... pretty much, dammed if you do or damned if you don't so if that's the case why kill yourself? Just know that you put in your all for the duration of the time and then walk away knowing you have done it all. At first when they made that suggestion the first thing that crossed my mind was are you crazy? Put it all on the line j for what? to be told goodbye tomorrow? But then after much thought I realized that its true. I am killing myself for something that I cant guarantee the outcome. Chances are I am stressing over something that I really shouldn't be stressed about. I am trying soo hard to please people that haven't necessarily asked me to do so. They just expect my best and as long as I do my best there is really nothing they can complain about. Funny thing I decided to put their suggestions to work and it worked. I set boundaries, I did what I could and walked away knowing I put in my all and so far no one has complained, no one has expected me to put out more than I could and they have been okay when I say, No. I think No is one of the hardest things I have learnt how to say. No means you are telling something you cant be who they want you to be. You cant help them get to where they want to be. However No does not mean you are not who you are supposed to be, it means that you are not sacrificing your best to be mediocre, It means that you are letting them know that sometimes being the best person you can be is being able to walk out of a situation knowing you cant do I all. So what I have learnt is, I may never really change, I will always be a people pleaser to some extent but what I am do know is, I need to put myself first. Learn to say no, Know that no matter what I decide, I am not risking anyones life or its not going to change the way people view me. I will always be me and most importantly I cant please everyone. So as long as I am happy, I am doing whats right in the eyes of God and I am not physically harming anyone. I will put myself first when necessary...Yes its all about me.

Shy guy

No, My blog is not a tribute to my 13th birthday party where "Shy Guy" by Diana King was the theme, To those who remember that epic birthday party I see you. LOL. However, this is about the shy men in Toronto...or at least I hope they are. Incase you don't know, I am learning to Salsa...well I guess I cant say I am learning anymore since I am now a level 5 salsa dancer and I have one more level before I can consider myself an intermediate to advance dancer but I love to Salsa... I also just fell in love with Kizomba tonight but I digress, anyways the best way to master any skill is to practice and unfortunately due to my busy schedule and laziness, I don't practice much. Tonight, however I decided I was going to join my fellow "classmates' and "school mates" and go to one of the socials that is organized by the school every other Friday so I can practice my skills. I convinced one of my girlfriends to go with me and we set out. Upon arrival, we spent an hour taking lessons on Kizomba and fortunately an older guy was kind enough to ask me to be his partner. Once the lesson ended they dimmed the lights and now it was time for everyone to dance the night away. My friend and I headed to our seats with the hope of having someone approach us and dance. And there we sat, and sat and sat for 2 hours when we finally decided to call it a night and go home. I must say I was disappointed because the whole point of me going to the social was to find someone to dance with and practice my skills. Now most of you don't know, Salsa is not fun when you don't have a partner. You need a partner to definitely put down the moves.. so to even suggest that I dance alone would be ridiculous. Now, maybe my mistake was heading to my seat instead of socializing a bit and yes I admit I could have tried a bit however my frustrations are with the men. I lived in the DMV for 3 years(DC Maryland and Virginia) and I never had the problem of men not approaching me. There were times where I felt I should wear a sign that said leave me alone because at times I almost felt harassed. I can recall several instances where I felt so overwhelmed with all the men approaching me in one moment I actually felt I was going to have a panic attack(I am not even exaggerating and quite frankly I those times were when my self esteem was shit and quite frankly I probably wasn't as attractive as I am now, So to be in a better state of mind, open minded, confident (to some extent) and more attractive and I still don't get approached to dance I have to wonder what is wrong with the men in this city. There was one instance this evening where a beautiful older woman approached these two men sitting next to me to dance. For a woman of her age she was very well put together and very attractive. I couldn't imagine any man, young or old looking at her and not wanting to dance with her. She approached these two men and one turned her down almost immediately, after much coaxing she managed to get the other guy to dance with her. My friend was livid!!! She almost got out of her seat to ream the guy out for not dancing with the woman...She finally concluded that the man was gay because there was no reason he had to turn her down. All she kept saying was these men in this city there is something very wrong with them. So to my men in Toronto, explain to me, why don't you approach women? What are your fears? Are we not friendly enough, are you too full of our self to approach a woman or are you truly a shy guy? Often times I hear from those who dabble in online dating complain that most of the men they meet online who claim to be confident and appear to be "rico suarvez" are often times the exact opposite of who they claim to be when they do meet....if they do meet. So Please explain to me what the problem is so we can find a happy medium because I don't want to go out and not have a dance partner anymore. Shy guy please come out of your shell.

Trying to get back to me.

I've had a rough few weeks. Rough is probably an understatement but I just to not worry anyone I'll leave at rough. I like to consider myself a pretty strong and resilient person. I work hard, I don't take things for granted and I try my very best to do my very best at whatever I do. I usually can take on a lot and I like to think I don't sign up for anything I cant handle or complete successfully but of late I have been drowning. Drowning and barely gasping for air. there are moments where I have felt that I should just let go and allow myself to sink but the over achiever, resilient, hating to disappoint nature keeps trying my hardest to push myself back up. But really when do let go and admit my defeat and just sink? However if there is something I have learnt about myself is the fact that as much as I hate to disappoint others, I hate to disappoint myself. I hate waking up knowing that had I stuck it through just a little bit longer, I could have survived it. I would have made it. Yes there has been a lot tears, a lot of sweat, and a lot blood and sometimes I have lost my mind...probably more so than others... I haven't performed to the best of my abilities and I have let a lot of things go by the way side because I just couldn't keep up. I have been mean, I have been abusive, and I have been upset. The people around me are scared and worried about me and some are even scared to approach me. I have turned into a bitch to put it lightly(yes bitch is actually lighter than what I actually have become) and I have often heard, just deal with it, suck it up...it could be worse, people are going through worse, it cant be that bad. Just let the drama go and don't let it consume you. Yes if it was that simple I would be it isn't. A friend of mine actually pointed out to me today that she has seen me go through some pretty tough situations but I went through it without flinching so to go through this and struggle she actually understand how frustrated I am. I know it will be over, I know it wont last for ever and I know I have to keep pushing and I know my blog right now seems all over the place because unfortunately I cannot go into great detail what I am going through...at least not through such a public forum...maybe one day when things change and I am no longer in this situation but just believe me its been rough and its been difficult and sometimes giving up is all I want to do but deep down inside I know I cant. So the point of this blog is, yes its easy for people to point out how bad others have it, and that you should be grateful your life is not as bad and that through all things give thanks and I agree but I also believe that just because your life is not as bad as others doesn't mean that what you are going through isn't rough and it isn't difficult and that this isn't your worse. I think at the end of the day, only you know how much you can take and only you know what you are going through but it doesn't mean it wont be over and it doesn't mean you wont get through it, So whatever you need to do to deal with it, go ahead and deal with it. I know my therapy, is talking, working out and talking about it and sometimes I talk to anyone who will listen because I just need to get it out and I know it may drive others crazy hearing me go on and on about the same situation but its also my way of dealing with what I am going through to keep my sanity. I have also learned that I am not going to give up what helps me to keep going and so if it means I have to walk away from whatever I am doing to just get my mind back in check then so be it. I will not compromise it. So hopefully one day I can go back to being me, to being happy, and joyful and my old self but until then I am just hoping I can keep going and keep doing my best and just praying that things will change I apologize for such a messy blog... in the true sense of blogging I am doing exactly that, just throwing out whatever comes to my mind...no structure nothing.

To the Chris Powells of the World

For those of you who haven't really interacted with me in awhile, my newest passion and addiction is health and fitness. Some can consider it a phrase, others may say its just till I get to my goal weight but those who know me, know that this is my life and I have no plans on letting go of this life style. Its addictive, its necessary and I love it. Some times I wonder why I never clued into this life style sooner. Another thing I love, is watching weight loss shows. They are extremely motivating and encouraging and its amazing to see people who were worse off than me lose all the weight naturally through diet and exercise and keep it off for life. It tells me that there is nothing I am not capable of doing as long as I put in the work and dedication and my own personal transformation tells me exactly that. However I am not writing this blog to share why I love fitness and healthy living but rather this blog is about the people who have helped me along the way. As I type tis blog I am watching extreme weight loss which chronicles the contestants weight loss journey over the course of the year and their trainer Chris Powell who is with them every step of the way. Chris is not the typical trainer who shows you which workouts you need to do, or writes out a nutrition plan. Chris becomes your friend, your brother, your biggest cheerleader and he holds your hand as you cry, as you go through your highs and lows and he supports you through it all. He no longer sees you as a client but as a friend who genuinely cares about your well being, often times more than your own family and friends and each of his contestants so far have managed to lose the weight successfully and changed their life, emotionally, spiritually and most importantly physically. Chris is the type of person every one must have in their corner in life to become the best person you want to be. Through my own journey, I had some struggles, struggles I continue to face, but sometimes the biggest struggle came from those around me. Those who were concerned, I would look less attractive if I lost too much weight, those who thought I could become anorexic if I continued along the path I was on. Those who felt I was getting too small and I was starting to look weird, or concerned that I would lose my soft features if I worked out too long and too hard and yes its discouraging and upsetting especially since I felt I had been criticized about my weight my whole life and how I was constantly judged because I wasn't small enough, so to finally be in a position where I am finally getting to that point and to still hear those criticism its disheartening and discouraging. However, at the same time, I've had the Chris Powell's in my life, the people who have stood by me through it all. Who push me even when I thought I couldn't push myself. Those who have had only positive things to say and encouraging things to say even when I didn't think I was worthy of it. I remember having a convo with my Dr. once about being a black woman and having to stay somewhat a certain size because I didn't want to lose my "black body" or I wasn't capable of losing all the weight I want because I am just not built this way and he simply told me that, who said you cant? At that moment, I knew that all I was doing was making excuses to not push myself to be where I could be. I've had the support group who would change their diet options around me just so they didn't tempt me from going off track, those who worked out with me, or would tell me the consequences of eating poorly and discourage me from buying that donut or eating that slice of cake. My dear friend who is more than willing to take part in any physical activity idea I come up with, whether its taking Krav Maga with me, or encouraging me to buy groupon deals to take yoga classes, or signed up for kickboxing boot camp with me just to keep me motivated. Or my girlfriends who run 5k's with me or will suggest healthy food places for us to eat, Those who constantly send me healthy recipes that I can try. Even those who may not join me in my activities but are on the sidelines cheering me on and constantly reminding me of my progress when I think I haven't gone far. Even my family who may tempt me here and there but always makes sure they get enough of what I need to succeed. All these people have helped me through this journey and even when I want to give up and I just want to say fuck it all, They pick me up and run along side me to make sure I keep going. All I want to say is, Weight loss is not easy, working out can be challenging and being healthy at times can be draining but when you have the right people in your corner, the people who genuinely care about your well being and will do everything they possibly and physically can to make you keep going, you realize that nothing is impossible. We all need to be like Chris Powell and cheer each other on when they are going through their transformation. You never know who's life you may be saving. Thank you to all my Chris Powell's I couldn't do this without you cheering me on.

Dairy of a Fat girl

I have always battled with my weight. My love for food and my dislike for my body have never found a harmonious way to live. Constantly wondering how I can combine what I love and work on what I dislike to become the person I truly want to be. In the last year I have been working on my body, working hard while finding ways to eat what I love but finding healthier alternatives and sometimes its challenging and sometimes its not but its still a struggle balancing the two. However although I have lost some weight I don't believe I am happy. I put so much emphasis on my happiness and my confidence coming from a better body that I never really bothered to focus on working on me to make me happy. Yes losing weight was a great thing and I am no where near my goal... I still have a long way to go but I don't think losing weight has changed my outlook on how I feel and look. I think the magazines and media do a good job of misinforming us all when it comes to how we look and how we should feel about our bodies. We constantly compare ourselves to models and at times watching how men oogle over some of these models and women oogle over hot actors, its almost impossible not to feel unattractive, overweight and have low self esteem when you carry a little more than you should. Although I am constantly fighting my weight demons and trying my hardest not to compare myself to other people, I know deep down I may never feel as amazing I should until I get to my goal. My everyday struggle with my weight sometimes is so self consuming I over wonder if I will ever enjoy life like I used to. Weight loss and healthy living although essential to our lives sometimes can be taken out of context and sometimes unhealthy habits can be formed. Of course I don't even think or believe I have a problem with food but I cant say I do not, not have a problem with it either. I believe that ultimately my success will come from my own acceptance of who I am. Once I begin to really accept this is who I am I believe true weight loss success will come my way. Yes I have done great over the course of the year, working hard in the gym, eating clean as often as I possibly can but I really need to work on my confidence, my self esteem and my mind and I believe I will truly achieve all my goals. So before we judge others on their weight, lets really consider what they may be going through and their demons they are fighting and try to lift them p and encourage them because maybe that's all it takes for them to make the changes they need. Being fat is never easy but hopefully its a life I wont have to live for much longer.

Tapout/Trials of a good girl

I was listening to "Tap Out" by Rich gang and those who know me, Know that I love that song...makes me feel I had an affiliation to poles in my past life. All joking aside, The reason I bring up that song is because there is a line in there where Nicki Minaj refers to her girlie parts as the "million dollar pussy" And as crude as that sound, it makes sense. The point of this blog today is the fact that many women treat their girlie parts or crudely put, their pussies as if its worth half a dime. Though I am not here to judge but this problem is affecting the girls who actually consider theirs to be worth millions, or more...I like to consider mine a black diamond...a rare and valuable find and only the very deserving and "rich"(not materially rich...but rich in values, moral standing and personality)can afford to have it because men are not appreciating the hard to find yet good girls because the girls who believe they can use their pussies to get any guy they want are making it extremely difficult to land any type of man. I am not into online dating, tried, it didn't like it and quite frankly don't think I want to do it again. Of course I will never say never because who knows how I will feel down the line but for now I am not going to give it a shot, but for those who have tried it and continue to try it, the horror stories I hear from them will have any one considering online dating to rethink that method of meeting a potential partner. Granted I cant say all the men on there or even women on there are bad news but the common theme I hear from those who try it, are the approach the men use to try to get them to speak to them. Often times the guys will ignore the fact that the woman has listed on her profile that she is not interested in a casual relationship and immediately solicit them for sex or speak to them in a very disrespectful manner. In order not to put anyone's business out there, I wont go into detail as to what some of the conversations have been like but I can guarantee you it has been disrespectful, disgusting and outright crazy. However the shocking part of it all is that many of these men will testify that there are many women who respond positively to their requests. They barely know these women and yet there are women out there who are willing and ready to do anything and everything to gain the attention of the men. there are even some of these guys who have admitted that the women have been the ones to solicit them for sexual favours as opposed to them asking them to sleep with them. What bothers me about this whole thing is, often times as a woman with traditional values and a moral campus, I find its often difficult to keep the attention of any man the minute you let him know that the cookies or pussy will not be easy to come by. Its like the minute you let them know its not even an option in the initial getting to know stages, they immediately kick you to the curb and move on to the next girl who will welcome them with open arms or legs in this context I know some of you are already saying, "A good guy will wait" "why would you even want to be with a guy like that anyway" and you are right on both counts and even as my brother eloquently put yesterday, "would I seriously invest in anyone I have already had the milk for free" But the point I am trying to make here is, it gets even harder and harder to really sieve through all the junk to find the right one when there are some girls making it too easy for guys to really even bother to make the effort these days. Its almost like when you ask a guy to take the time to get to know you before you unveil the crown jewels, you sound like a prude. Nothing wrong with being a prude...I am not one myself but there is nothing wrong with that but its like they immediately label you as something you are not because you have self respect and self worth. Yes there are some who will argue that we are grown, and why would I suddenly lose interest in you just because you gave it to me too quickly...but I beg to differ because I have seen and know some guys who immediately felt a tad bit different the minute the girl gave it up to them after only knowing them for a very short period of time. Anyway the point of this blog is, being a good girl can honestly be lonely, stressful and sometimes difficult. Damned if you do, damned if you don't so what is one to do when you cant win either way you look at it. Do what's best for you, don't compromise who you are for the benefits of others and to my good girls...myself included, keep being you. It may take awhile but someone is out there who will appreciate all you have to offer. Never ever be someone you are not to please anyone because all that does is leave you with heart break and pain and most importantly feeling like you are worth nothing. It sucks that I know a bunch of beautiful, successful, hard working women who are still single...myself included for this exact reason but we can only hope and pray that all our prince is out there.

Bring on old age!!

Its that time again, Time to reflect on my life as my birthday is less than two hours away. Although, my life is constantly evolving, and the year is only half way in, I still think there is a lot that has happened to me this year that has been impactful and life altering. As I turn another page on a new year, I realize a few things and as in popular fashion, I have my list. 1. I am not rushing into marriage. As much as I want the kids and the husband, I think its best I wait to find the right one so I can do it right. 2. Single life is not that bad. 3. You must create your own happiness. If you depend on someone to make you happy you will never be happy. 4. Its important to work. Creates independence, responsibility and professionalism. 5. Its important to have a social life. Its what keeps you sane. 6. Take time to take care of yourself. One thing I used to be good at was having "me" days. I use the time to do things I want and pamper myself. 7. Travelling is vital. You cant live in a world and not explore it. Saving towards a trip should be in everyone's budget plans. 8.Negativity is draining. Anytime I find someone is constantly bringing negativity into my life, I don't hesitate to cut them off. No relationship is worth constantly being miserable. 9. God is always number one! Cant live life without God as your Guide. 10. Working out and eating healthy is essential! As much as its good to cheat, its also important to eat well and work out constantly. It does wonders for your body and your mental health 11. Sleep is vital. Even if it means skipping out on a night out with friends to get a goods night sleep. 12. Loving yourself is the best way to allow people to love you. Once you learn to love yourself you will not let anyone who doesn't love you into your life. 13. Saving for a rainy day is necessary. Sometimes if it means sacrificing a new outfit, toy or material just to have money for a rainy is better than having nothing saved up but nothing of value. 14. You can not always be right. Learning to accept other peoples opinions and responses can make for a better person. 15. Never settle for less than you deserve. 16.Be bold! 17. Take chances. 18.Love has no colour. Granted we all have preferences and tastes but it doesn't always mean love comes in the package you expect it to come in. Be open minded. 19. Live outside the box. The norm is not always the best. 20. Be different, be yourself and never compromise who you are for anyone! Although I am a work in progress and there is a lot I have to work on, I like to think that 31 as old as it sounds, only means I am going to get better with time. Happy Birthday to me!

Elephant in the room

On a good note, I finally have my laptop back so posting blogs should be a whole lot easier...and hopefully less grammatical mistakes and if there are still that many mistakes then I guess my English is not as great as I thought..Ohh well. I am not one to normally dabble in politics. Yes, I do enjoy political debates and discussions, but I don't often follow politics with much dedication as others but there are a few topics I do find interest in, and that's human rights. If I ever planned to pursue my law education further, I may actually consider specializing in human rights law. I consider myself an activist, however not necessarily the activist who "actively" takes part in any demonstrations, political rallies or protest. I usually try to show my activism, through the charities I support or my vocal contributions to the injustices in the world through social media. However in most cases, I cant really relate on a personal bases on a lot of the issues out there. I can sympathize and try to understand what most of the people suffering are going though but I cant necessarily relate. One area I do relate to is the issue of race. A topic I can relate to on a personal bases because I do fall under the category of minority. Race in these parts of the world is often times considered taboo. Often times the minute you bring up the word "race" people are ready to put a garlic chain around their neck and flash a crucifix in your face because its taboo and wrong to discuss race openly and freely without any repercussions. The only reason I can think of why this topic is taboo in these parts of the world is because people don't believe racism exist. In one of my human rights honour classes in University, we did bring up the topic of race once and one guy-white guy was quick to say, racism does not exist in Canada. And although I do not blame him for thinking that because, honestly I wouldn't consider him a racist and he probably doesn't associate with anyone who is racist, he was ignorant. Of course he doesn't experience racism so why would he be in the know of whats plaguing at least 30% of the population? But really when people think of racism, they immediately think of blatant discrimination and abuse of a minority group. They do not really associate anything outside of blatant racism as racism. Of course I was quick to correct him of that notion and he did go head to head with me until I guess he clued into the fact that I indeed was black(although I find it hard for him not to notice) and that I may know what I am talking about because...well I experience it quite a bit. What I did notice that people often feel that as long as someone is no longer referring to black people as the n words, there is no longer racism, although with the wake of Paula Dean and my sister who recently was referred as the N words on the streets of Toronto, racism no longer exist People think that because of Martin Luther Kings eloquent speech over 40 years ago, racism does not exist because people are no longer judged based on the colour of their skin but the content of their character, although, everyday when a black person enters a store today, there is a sales associate who follows them around the store till they walk out, racism doesn't exist Or maybe its the fact that you see a greater representation of minorities in the work place so racism doesn't exist, but what they don't realize is, the fact that that black person was only hired because often times, there is a "quota" to fill so they had to be brought in the work place and often times have to work 10times harder than the average employee to prove that they are not the stereotypical "lazy" black man/woman or even if they are hired for their abilities, they often times are looked at 10 times more critically than their fellow employees, or are addressed with less respect because of their skin colour and not their actual character Or racism doesn't exist because the law has been set in place to prosecute anyone who breaks the law regardless of who they are yet, the rate of black people in jail today far exceeds the number of any other race because often times black people are charged a lot more for crimes that their non black counterparts walk free from. Or in the case of Trayvon Martin where a man can easily walk away free from killing an unarmed black man but if tables were turned, Trayvon would be in jail. Yes the law was applied here but who are we kidding, the outcome was only what it was because of who the defendant was and the victim was. So yes race is taboo and people do not like discussing it because sometimes ignoring the issue will help it go away, But until we actually address the issue of race, we will never reach a place where there will be true equality in the world. Granted we may never have true equality considering women are still paid less for equal work, and in the case of Aboriginals in Canada, they will continue to be discriminated against because of who they are, although they are the true owners of this land we call home. So lets not fear discussing the elephant in the room because lets be real, there is an elephant in the room which is really hard to ignore.

The joys of 30

I didnt have a chance to blog about my feelings about turning 30 so I have decided to blog about my experiences as a 30 year old and what I have learned so far as I am fast approaching 31. First of all, turning 30 was scary for me. I was extremely fearful of turning 30. Mostly because I had set some pretty extensive goals for myself and I hadnt achieved them yet. Also, 30 sounded so old! Knowing I was officially an adult at that point and that I no longer could use the "I am too young" defence was creepy. I was worried that I just wouldnt make the cut as a 30 year old and I would fail miserably. I mean I know there is no checklist or expectations per say that one must follow as a 30 year old but it just seemed so "adult" and I wasnt ready to grow up. However, as the time drew near, and I was watching all my friends turn 30, I got excited. I stopped taking a pessimistic approach to 30 and started looking at all the greatness that comes with growing older. Over the past 10 months I have gone through several experiences that I believe came with being older and "wiser" so I am going to go through a few. 1. I learned to careless. I know that sounds bad but what I mean is, I dont sweat the small stuff. I understand some things are beyond my power so what I can change I will and what I cant I just let go and hope for the best. 2. Putting me first. What I mean by this is, as much as everyone matters, I have to focus on me first before I worry about others. Which may mean, not spending late nights at work but making sure I can get out on time to hit the gym, Or making sure I do what matters to me first before I take on other responsibilities. I understand that I cant be the best me if I always put myself last. In order to be the best me,I need to do whats best for me so I can be the best for others. 3.Being more vocal. Those who know me, know I can be a bit loud at times but what I mean is speaking up when I know something is not right, expressing my feelings when someone has hurt me and not keeping it in. 4. Good men dont come in one package. I wont lie, I have-had a type. I wasnt very open minded when it came to men. Although I liked to believe I was open minded I really wasnt because I always fell for the same type but turning 30(yes it took me that long) Made me realise that a good man doesnt come in a particular package. Yes I have my expectations or my "list" for lack of a better word but I have learnt to tweak that list to be more realistic and feasible. Yes there are some things I will not compromise on, such as religion, respect, loyalty and trust but I realise now that a good men are in all races, heights, sizes, careers, educational background and ethnicity. Just like there are bad men in all races, sizes,heights, etc. 5.Health is vital. As we get older, our parents get older, and unfortunately I have seen soo many friends lose their parents. Granted we cannot determine when our time to meet our maker will come but if there is one thing we can control is our own health. Learning to eat properly and healthy is vital, Making sure we get enough exercise for our physical and mental health is vital. Remembering that whatever we do now at this age will show when we are 50. So it has become my life mantra to exercise and eat well to ensure that when I am 50 I am in the best shape of my life. Plus exercises has changed how I feel mentally. I am sharper, clearer and happier. 6. Learning to let go. My cousin told me once that I kept opening a door that was closed. I wont lie I was. I am the type of person that I have a problem letting go of relationships...whether its friendship or love. I feel by letting go it means I have failed as a friend and I didnt do my best to keep it going. Thats completely untrue. As the saying goes, some people come into your life for a season, reason and a lifetime. What I have learnt to do is, accepting that the persons time is done in my life and learning from the relationship to ensure I dont repeat the same mistakes but taking with me the wonderful memories we shared. 7.Learning to have fun. At 30, it was almost like I gave myself the license to have fun. I dont have to answer to anyone but my God so I dont feel that anxiety I used to feel when I made decisions to have fun because subconsciously I felt too young or I was concerned about what my parents would think if they saw me do what I do. NOt to say I am doing anything illegal or anything my parents wont be happy with but being 30 made me realise I can do whatever I want and not have to worry about who cares. 8.Feeling sexy. 30 is sexy! Plain and simple 9.Family is all I have. I have some great friends that fall more into the family category than friend category but I have always been family oriented so no change there but as you grow older you realise that if you dont have a strong family unit, you can fall. So making sure I have a wonderful family in my corner definitely keeps me grounded and focused. 10. Life is not a race. I often felt the unaccomplished because I would look around me and notice that everyone around me seemed settled at 30. Great careers, good money, beautiful marriages and nice homes and I am not even close to having any of that. However, what I have learned is, life is not a race. Granted I am not where I want to be, but I am exactly where I need to be. AS long as I stay on track and I keep pushing my time will come but while I wait, I am definitely going to enjoy the ride. So although 31 is fast approaching and the reality of being in my 30s is sinking in, the lessons I have learned and continue to learn are definitely helping me to feel more at ease with my journey. The joys of turning 30...31

Traditionalist

*Disclaimer* As my laptop is out of commission all my posts are being typed on my touch screen phone. Please ignore all grammatical errors and spelling mistakes as editting is a bitch on this device. Thanks Contrary to the subject of this post,I am the complete oppossite. I am not your typical African raised woman that believes the womans role is in the kitchen and she must cater hand and foot to her man and the man is the king of thecastle and everyone must answer to him crap. Don't get me wrong, I do think cooking, cleaning and playing house isessential to anyone not just to the woman but I believe relationships are an equal partnership. You cook, I clean type of situation. Yes there are times where the woman may need to be a bit more traditional in her role but all in all it should be a partnership. However this post is not about deciding on which role each person should play so let me get into it. What I have noticed is who women have become. To some extent and I dont mean in all cases but women have become sex objects. Okay! Okay! No news there. We have always been classified as sex objects since before time but what I am talking about is the whole idea that women no longer respect themselves. What I am getting at is this. Being a good girl leaves you single. What one woman refuses to do, 20 women will do without blinking an eye. I am not talkjng specifically about sexual acts but the whole idea that there is no longer the notion of men having to work to get t. Good. I am not ashamed to admit I have tried online dating. Granted I never met anyone I felt was worthy of meeting in person because the few conversations we had was enough to tell me it would be a waste of my time but the stories I heard from some of the men gave me enough to believe women "done changed" Granted the game has always been the survival of the fittest. If you are willing to do it all and fight to the end, chances are you win the prize. Anyone who decides to bail out in the early on set because they just dont have the drive, motivation, or the personality to keep going will obviously walk away empty handed. I get that. I totally do, however this policy should apply to game shows, fitness challenges, even promotions at work but it should not be applied to relationships. I do not understand why women feel the need to cheapen themselves to be able to catch a man. Okay so maybe here is where my traditional way of thinking comes to play. Dont get me wrong, I am not a prude in any sense of the word. I am fairly liberal when it comes to peoples dealing with sex... I have no qualms talking about it openly and making crude and crass jokes with my friends about it, but I am a lady and I am classy and most importantly I respect myself and there are some things I refuse to to indulge in on the onset of any relationship and when I mean relationship I mean the initial meeting of a man. Granted I have fun and I can be flirty and some times I may go a bit further than I may want to, but it has always backfired and thats where I decided that, I am not going to compromise my own good values for the sake of roping in any man. Being a good girl may not pay but being a bad girl can definitely have its negative consequences. Problem here is, too few many, too many women. Men have options, Maybe that may be exclusive to my age group and I would like to hear what other generations think but with men having options, means some women will do anything and everything to make sure they get what they want. Often times, the woman may not know what she wants but the need to feel wanted and needed may force her to be someone she isnt...The women who refuse to compromise themselves for a man always lose out in the end. Its a shame but its the truth. Dont get me wrong, I think there is nothing wrong with a woman who is liberated when it comes to her feelings towards sex. If you think you can maintain casual relationships with various people then more power to you, but do you really have to be that person to get what you want? I know some men will bash me for this post because I am pretty much telling girls to try to keep their legs closed as long as they can. At least till they establish some sort of repetoire with the guy. I may be wrong, it may not always be the case but to be more clear on what I am saying is, Dont try to be something you are not just because you think its the only way you can find someone. Ultimately be yourself! A man will want you for who you are not what you can give him, and if he thinks you need to give him something to keep him around I can gaurantee you, that he will walk away even when you give it to him. A friend once told me that a man knows exactly what he wants from you when he meets you, so it doesnt really matter what you do or say, he will stick around if he recognizes you are what he wants so why change to suit him. I guess this is where I am a tradtionalist. I still believe that you should establish something with someone before you go in or at least let him get to know you better and you him before you dive a deeper, and if he walks away because you held back then good by to him. At the end of the day be yourself and understand that whatever you decide, its your decision not yours.

The trials of transformation

For those who know me, I have been overweight pretty much my whole life. There was that period between baby to 7 and 15 to 17 when I wasnt in the overweight category but outside of that I have always been heavy. After years of several unsuccessful diets and weight loss attempts it took turning 30 for the weight to start to fall off. Dont get it twisted, there is no miracle at 30 that aids in weight loss but rather mindset change and education. I am no where near my goal weight and I might take me another year to get there but I am getting there. It would be easy to blog about what I did, the exercises I went through and the food I had to eat to help me lose the weight and that blog will come later but I think what really helped me was changing my mindset about losing weight and I'll get into that in much detail. I think what really made the difference was when I stopped trying to lose weight for others and made the decision to lose it for myself. No of course u cannot lose weight for others when you are the only one who reaps the benbenefits but I am here to tell you that yes you can lose for other and this is how: Allowing others to tell you how you should look, what you should eat and what you should wear. No I am not talking about the media (although they play a huge part in it all) but friends, family, colleagues, your doctors and even your neighbours. They all have an opinion on your need to lose weight and you often do it to either shut them up or to gain their acceptance. Either way if you are not doing it for you, you will fail. When I made the decision to lose weight it wasn't because everyone around me thought it was a good idea, it was because I thought it was a good idea. My need to lose weight was no longer fueled by my need to have a hot guy notice me, Nor was it fueled by being able to wear a smaller size (although thats a pretty awesome desire) but i knew that losing weight was what i needed to do to become a better me; mentally and physically. Now the journey is hard and its long but the rewards are worth it. However, the first step to losing weight is changing how you view yourself. The first part is loving yourself the way you are now but recognizing you can be better. I say this because if you dont learn to lovr yourself as you are now, when the weight comes off you only focus on the parts that still need work and not appreciating the success. And when you dont appreciate thr positive change you will never be happy with the end results I think the next big step is being open minded. There are many changes you will make during this process. You are going to change how you eat, change who you surround yourself with (some people want to see you fail) and even change how you work out so if you are resistant and close minded to the process, you will not change. Granted not every method will work for you but you cant knock it till you try it. Unless its unbelievably ridiculous (like eating crap all day but thinking shaking some powder on your food will make you lose weight) You have to trust the process. Remember one pound weight loss is huge. Dont diminish how great that is. Its one less pound you have to lose. Plus as long as you keep going its going to come off you may need to tweak stuff as you go to make sure you keep losing but it will come off. Dont lose hope. Patience is key. You did not gain weight over night so you will not lose it over night. It does get frustrating because you want to see the changes now. However nothing great happens that quickly. Ask anyome who has achieved greatness in any field. They will tell you. It took them forrever to get to where they are and they are still climbing so if you expect speedy results then dont expect them to last. I am going to use a bad analogy but bare with me. A drug addict will tell you the effect of any drug is quick however it doesnt last and thats why they keep shooting up. So you should be patient and it will happen. Remember, everyones body is different. What works for you may not work for them and vice versa. So do whats best for you and dont compare your progress to others. Some may lose quicker than you, others slower but that doesnt mean you wont lose. Celebrate your success and that of others and you will be happy Accept the compliments. You may not always see the change because you are used to seeing yourself heavy. So when so When someone acknowledges you transformation thank them and dont point out the problem areas(something I had to promise my friend I would stop doing because I kept tearing myseld up for the areas I was struggling with). You are doing great and thats whats awesome. Do your research. Learn about your food and how it affects you, learn about the exercises uou are doing snd how they can and cant benefit you and dont forget to ask for help from professionals and friends when you need it. Its a lifestyle change. Something you have never done before so you need all the help you need. Finally ask God for guidance, self control and appreciation. It will happe Its not easy, its long and frustrating but its rewardig so believe and it will happe

Jaded

Best way to describe me. Innocent, sweet and forgiving. Probably what most of my loved one love about me. I mean really I had no reason to be anything but by what describes me but of late, the words cold bitch comes to mind when you think about me. Nothing to be proud of and quite frankly the reason for this post but thats just who I have become. I am usually the first person to tell someone to let an upsetting situation go and not let it define them. The girlfriend who is first to tell her girlfriends to forgive their boyfriend for the wrong he did because he is human and he is bound to make mistakes and most often the response I get is " I wish I was as forgiving as you" but of lateI cant help but feel a lot less forgiving and I am often allowing the actions of others define my behaviour. Too mmany years of being taken advantaged of, underappreciation, one sided friendships and asshole men has contributed . Turning into that cold hearted bitch. I love to believe there is good in everyone and with a love and support you can bring the best in everyone but I am beginning to think I have been blind and naive all along and that people are inherently bad. My once open gates to my. Heart is now closed and the brick wall is being built in front of it. I always loved too hard, fought too long for what was not meant to be and forgave those who should not be forgiven too easily and all its left me with was hurt and pain. I feel like each time I let someone in, they would walk away with a part of me and I have nothing left to give. I have lost hope in love and happines and I almost want to accept love is not in the cards for me. I let them in and they walk out without even caring how their departure has left me empty and cold and not even caring about who they have turned me to. I do want to be that optimistic, loving person I used to be and I do want to believe all it takes is one person to return my faith but aftet so much hurt and pain I wonder if that person still exist or if she is ever coming back. Quite frankly I dont even know if I should let her come back. I just dont think I can handle it. I am way too jaded to change.