Trying to get back to me.

I've had a rough few weeks. Rough is probably an understatement but I just to not worry anyone I'll leave at rough. I like to consider myself a pretty strong and resilient person. I work hard, I don't take things for granted and I try my very best to do my very best at whatever I do. I usually can take on a lot and I like to think I don't sign up for anything I cant handle or complete successfully but of late I have been drowning. Drowning and barely gasping for air. there are moments where I have felt that I should just let go and allow myself to sink but the over achiever, resilient, hating to disappoint nature keeps trying my hardest to push myself back up. But really when do let go and admit my defeat and just sink? However if there is something I have learnt about myself is the fact that as much as I hate to disappoint others, I hate to disappoint myself. I hate waking up knowing that had I stuck it through just a little bit longer, I could have survived it. I would have made it. Yes there has been a lot tears, a lot of sweat, and a lot blood and sometimes I have lost my mind...probably more so than others... I haven't performed to the best of my abilities and I have let a lot of things go by the way side because I just couldn't keep up. I have been mean, I have been abusive, and I have been upset. The people around me are scared and worried about me and some are even scared to approach me. I have turned into a bitch to put it lightly(yes bitch is actually lighter than what I actually have become) and I have often heard, just deal with it, suck it up...it could be worse, people are going through worse, it cant be that bad. Just let the drama go and don't let it consume you. Yes if it was that simple I would be it isn't. A friend of mine actually pointed out to me today that she has seen me go through some pretty tough situations but I went through it without flinching so to go through this and struggle she actually understand how frustrated I am. I know it will be over, I know it wont last for ever and I know I have to keep pushing and I know my blog right now seems all over the place because unfortunately I cannot go into great detail what I am going through...at least not through such a public forum...maybe one day when things change and I am no longer in this situation but just believe me its been rough and its been difficult and sometimes giving up is all I want to do but deep down inside I know I cant. So the point of this blog is, yes its easy for people to point out how bad others have it, and that you should be grateful your life is not as bad and that through all things give thanks and I agree but I also believe that just because your life is not as bad as others doesn't mean that what you are going through isn't rough and it isn't difficult and that this isn't your worse. I think at the end of the day, only you know how much you can take and only you know what you are going through but it doesn't mean it wont be over and it doesn't mean you wont get through it, So whatever you need to do to deal with it, go ahead and deal with it. I know my therapy, is talking, working out and talking about it and sometimes I talk to anyone who will listen because I just need to get it out and I know it may drive others crazy hearing me go on and on about the same situation but its also my way of dealing with what I am going through to keep my sanity. I have also learned that I am not going to give up what helps me to keep going and so if it means I have to walk away from whatever I am doing to just get my mind back in check then so be it. I will not compromise it. So hopefully one day I can go back to being me, to being happy, and joyful and my old self but until then I am just hoping I can keep going and keep doing my best and just praying that things will change I apologize for such a messy blog... in the true sense of blogging I am doing exactly that, just throwing out whatever comes to my mind...no structure nothing.