Jaded

Best way to describe me. Innocent, sweet and forgiving. Probably what most of my loved one love about me. I mean really I had no reason to be anything but by what describes me but of late, the words cold bitch comes to mind when you think about me. Nothing to be proud of and quite frankly the reason for this post but thats just who I have become. I am usually the first person to tell someone to let an upsetting situation go and not let it define them. The girlfriend who is first to tell her girlfriends to forgive their boyfriend for the wrong he did because he is human and he is bound to make mistakes and most often the response I get is " I wish I was as forgiving as you" but of lateI cant help but feel a lot less forgiving and I am often allowing the actions of others define my behaviour. Too mmany years of being taken advantaged of, underappreciation, one sided friendships and asshole men has contributed . Turning into that cold hearted bitch. I love to believe there is good in everyone and with a love and support you can bring the best in everyone but I am beginning to think I have been blind and naive all along and that people are inherently bad. My once open gates to my. Heart is now closed and the brick wall is being built in front of it. I always loved too hard, fought too long for what was not meant to be and forgave those who should not be forgiven too easily and all its left me with was hurt and pain. I feel like each time I let someone in, they would walk away with a part of me and I have nothing left to give. I have lost hope in love and happines and I almost want to accept love is not in the cards for me. I let them in and they walk out without even caring how their departure has left me empty and cold and not even caring about who they have turned me to. I do want to be that optimistic, loving person I used to be and I do want to believe all it takes is one person to return my faith but aftet so much hurt and pain I wonder if that person still exist or if she is ever coming back. Quite frankly I dont even know if I should let her come back. I just dont think I can handle it. I am way too jaded to change.