Its all about me

Let me share something about me with you, I am a people pleaser. Yes I am. I don't kiss ass....I am too sarcastic to do that but I am a people pleaser. I don't please people because I like to see people happy or it brings me much joy but I please people because I want people to consider me a good person. That's my truth. Call me fake, say I am trying too hard or I just don't care but truth is this is who I am. I am not saying I don't like to see people happy or that it doesn't bring me joy, but I am also saying I do it because I want to be seen as a good person in people's eyes. Its a selfish trait, I will admit that, but its also a very difficult, close to impossible goal and at times brings me more misery than pleasure. Why do I want people to consider me a good person? Maybe because I am not secure enough in myself that I feel I need to make sure everyone likes me or its my personality trait... My doctor did clue me in that it is a personality trait and its just the way I am. Not to say that I am like this in all situations and that that I cant turn it off when and if necessary but lets just say this is my default mode. However what I am also beginning to realize is, pleasing people is actually not very fun. Its not as fulfilling as you would think it would be. Half the time, the people you try to please take advantage of your "kindness" and in some instances no matter how hard you try, some people will never be happy with how much of yourself you give. The past few weeks have been rough for me. Primarily because I felt it was necessary that I please people around me so that I can be considered good and hard working and necessary. I was running myself to the ground and most importantly I was unhappy. I felt if I didn't put in all my time and I didn't break my back I will lose my worth, I wouldn't be needed and I could ruin it for everyone. However the results of that were I was hurting those around me, I was constantly upset, I couldn't open my mouth without complaining or crying, I wasn't sleeping at night, I was having nightmares, My weight was dropping(not that I am complaining about that) and I was starting to feel physically and mentally sick. Someone actually suggested I get professional help to help me deal with all of this. One day after a particularly trying day, I had a long talk with my cousin and after that a talk with my friends and my doctor and they all told me the same thing. Set boundaries. Nothing you do, or nothing you say can guarantee the outcome... pretty much, dammed if you do or damned if you don't so if that's the case why kill yourself? Just know that you put in your all for the duration of the time and then walk away knowing you have done it all. At first when they made that suggestion the first thing that crossed my mind was are you crazy? Put it all on the line j for what? to be told goodbye tomorrow? But then after much thought I realized that its true. I am killing myself for something that I cant guarantee the outcome. Chances are I am stressing over something that I really shouldn't be stressed about. I am trying soo hard to please people that haven't necessarily asked me to do so. They just expect my best and as long as I do my best there is really nothing they can complain about. Funny thing I decided to put their suggestions to work and it worked. I set boundaries, I did what I could and walked away knowing I put in my all and so far no one has complained, no one has expected me to put out more than I could and they have been okay when I say, No. I think No is one of the hardest things I have learnt how to say. No means you are telling something you cant be who they want you to be. You cant help them get to where they want to be. However No does not mean you are not who you are supposed to be, it means that you are not sacrificing your best to be mediocre, It means that you are letting them know that sometimes being the best person you can be is being able to walk out of a situation knowing you cant do I all. So what I have learnt is, I may never really change, I will always be a people pleaser to some extent but what I am do know is, I need to put myself first. Learn to say no, Know that no matter what I decide, I am not risking anyones life or its not going to change the way people view me. I will always be me and most importantly I cant please everyone. So as long as I am happy, I am doing whats right in the eyes of God and I am not physically harming anyone. I will put myself first when necessary...Yes its all about me.