My self esteem has been very low for several years. There were times when I looked in the mirror I was completely repulsed by my image.I tried and tried to find something that made me consider myself beautiful and nothing, absolutely nothing stood out. All I could see where all my flaws, everything I needed to change, everything I didnt want. I hated me!
Whenever I left the house and I was out and about with my friends, I used to see how men would literally stop and come over to speak to them. Half the time they wouldnt even acknowledge I was there. I felt invisible, unattractive, completely ugly. I used to accept that when I went out, it was only natural that the guys will approach my friends and leave me out. There was a particular incident where I was out with my friend having a good time, and this amazing looking guy walked into the room. We were both in dumbfounded at how attractive he was. I honestly believed he was mine to have. My friend and I kept saying how he was ours and the other one would never have him. At last I saw him walk my way and i knew this was my moment and just like that he went straight to my friend, completely ignoring me once again. I must say, I was crushed. If my self esteem at that moment wasnt low enough, it definitely hit the ground that day.
I used to blame my inability to draw men on my appearance, how I looked, my size. Yes I am a bigger girl. Definitely not model size and to be honest, I doubt I would anything but plus size. To clearly describe myself, I once was joking around with my cousin and said I have a coke bottle shape and she responded "you do! a 2 litre bottle" I laughed obviously because she is younger and at that time she was also a "2 litre bottle" herself but it also made me realise that people viewed me as a big girl and with the society we live in today, big was not always better. I can't believe how many yoyo diets I went on, at one point I was completely obsessed with the way I looked, I would eat and immediately hit the ground do crunches believe that even if I ate an i did crunches the weight will never show. I started to obsess with what I ate two scared to eat but the minute someone noticed I had dropped a few pounds I believed that I go back to eating the way I did because I could not gain it back....I just did not feel beautiful.
Fastforwarding to today. I look at myself in the mirror and all i can ask myself is why??? Why didnt I find myself beautiful, why did I think I was all flaws and there was nothing beautiful about me? Now when I look in the mirror I see a beautiful person, someone with a good heart and a beautiful smile, Someone who has lips that look like they taste like fresh strawberries, eyes that could make the sun come out, skin so smooth a baby could be jealous teeth so straight a dentist would be and is very proud. I realise I am beautiful, I realise i have soo much to offer and i realise that the men did not approach me because they knew i had something to offer they couldnt offer back.
It took me awhile to get to this place and I am still working on staying in this place, yes I am still big and do i care how I look? maybe a little bit but I have decided to embrace myself because i know that although I might have a little extra on me, i have a shape that is beautiful and propotional to my size, I know my legs are beautiful and make high heel shoes want to stand proud on my feet. I know I am beautiful and so what if i can't be a model, I can be a plus size model and show other women that beauty does come in all shapes and sizes and I realise now that men do find me beautiful, but until I started to love myself I didnt realise that I had them looking
All I want to say is, love yourself and dont let anyone or anything bring you down. You might not look like the next girl but why would you want to? You are you! You have features that are unique to you and only you, No one should tell you how you should look and feel about yourself, no one should have to make you feel insignificant and non existant. Next time you run into a situation where someone makes you feel small, Look them in the eye and say" Love all of me" and walk away because if they make you feel small, you dont want them anyway!
lips like strawberries indeed!
ReplyDeleteWe have all had our moments. I was in that position once in motown, but we grow, and God makes us see reason. In His own time, he makes ALL things BEAUTIFUL, for nothing under Gods eyes is imperfect. His creation is perfection indeed, and that includes you and I.
WOW..love the realiness....as if written for my soul...this proves that you got soo much beauty-inside and outside!!! Keepp writing am glued!!!
ReplyDeleteHow much of this do you think is related to the Ghanaian upbringing? Ghanaian parents have a way of making you feel quite unattractive. Also, Africans in general tend to revere features that are more European. When I think of the silly comments that are made about "putting on weight" or pimples, etc, it is no wonder that so many of us have struggled with self-esteem issues. Look at all the skin bleaching and hair weaves. Not to say anything is wrong with hair weaves, but when it is done in the name of self-hatred, there is a problem. Your post highlights the fact the African women need to embrace their natural beauty and that of their daughters more than they do.
ReplyDeleteI do believe a lot of it comes from our upbringing. Absolutely, If you read my latest blog, I talk about how my mom kept telling me how to dress because i was big. Our culture has always made us feel there was a standard of beauty and if you didnt fit that standard you were not beautiful. My self esteem was the lowest when I lived in Ghana. I never for a second felt beautiful and I believe the ghanaian culture didnt help to make me feel better about myself. It took moving back to north american and a lot of reassurance from friends and a lot within myself to get to the place I am and surprisingly every once in awhile I go back to that dark place when something happens that questions my beauty. I am glad that at least my experiences are not mine alone and that other people go through it because it means we can help lift each other up!
ReplyDeleteThanks MM!