I remember when I was a child, and I would look 10 years ahead and realise in 10 years I would be in my 20's and I think about how in 10 years I could have a kid, a job a house to live in a husband to come home to and I would say wow!! I can't believe all that could happen to me in 10 years. Well 10 years later and I am still looking 10 years ahead but this time I am asking myself, "Will I ever get the job, the house, the kids, the husband? is it ever going to happen"
I am almost 30...a few years shy and I sometimes look at my life and I wonder where did I go wrong? Why haven't I achieved the goals I set out for myself. I look at my friends, and I wonder, what did they do right? Why are they light years ahead of me and i am falling behind. We all received the same quality education,we were all afforded similiar lifestyles so what did they do right that I didnt do? I feel soo unaccomplished, so unworthy so insignificant so inferior.
I often look at my resume and at times I am ashamed to send it off because I believe at my age, I should accomplished so much,I should have reached so far yet, all I have are high school related work experience and a college degree that obviously is not working its magic. I wonder, who did I piss off? why does my life suck? Almost 30, in debt, no job that actually could lead to a career, sharing an apartment with my younger brother who makes more money than me and to top it off, I cant seem to catch the attention of any man. I get turned down by the men I like and even the men I dont like dont seem to approach me, my weight is up and down and some days I really do not know what to do with my hair. In fact at times, I really believe I am cursed.
Errrrrrrrrrrrr.....stop! Pump the break! I listen to myself whine and I wonder what the hell is wrong with me??????????? It's like I refuse to acknowledge everything else I have going on in my life and I focus on what I dont have. At times I sound ungrateful and sometimes I can't even blame others for not wanting to be around me. I can be sooo negetive.
It took me a long time, but now I realise, life is not a race. So what if my time hasnt come?It doesnt mean its not coming it doesnt mean everything I am going through is here to stay. the most important factor is I am taking charge of my life. I have put my trust in God, but I am also taking action to take my life where I need it togo. I am back in school to upgrade my skills so I can get my career started, I am not concerning myself too much with trying to find someone to fall in love with because I believe I need to be in a place in my life where I love myself completely so I can give my heart to someone without relying on them to make me happy. My weight issues I am taking action to get to a more healthy state. I also made a decision to not compare myself to other people. I realise now that although they maybe where I want to be, I do not know their struggle, I do not know what they had to sacrifice to get there. Plus I also believe that some of us may have a late start but when we start going, we accelerate and we end up getting there faster than we had anticipated.
It's hard to stay positive in these trying times, especially when it seems like your world is caving in and nothing seems to work out and I'll be lying if i say I am in a place in my life where everything is working for me because I am far from there but I also know that everything will work out eventually. As long as I keep my trust in God and I keep pushing I will get there. Its hard and its difficult but I'll get there. I have also decided that I am not going to allow myself to feel inferior to anyone because they have achieved alot. Just because they have acheived a lot doesnt mean they are any better than I am.
I will get there because I am worthy!
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