I have been feeling a little hypocriticl since I began this blog. Who am I to tell people how they should feel, who they should believe in when I dont not stand on any authority to justify what I have said in my past few blogs. After much thought and wanting to stay true to myself and to everyone else I feel it is necessary to share a side of me to make it easier to understand why I share my insight with everyone.
I am that girl. I am that girl, who allowed the man to take her power away from her. Who thought sharing parts of me with someone and not getting anyhing in return was okay because it meant I loved hard and I loved strong and giving it all will eventually lead to me getting all i wanted and desired. I believed it, I lived it and I was disappointed.
Dont get me wrong, I am not a bitter black woman who wants others to believe that because I put in my all and got nothing in return every woman should believe and think that way because quite frankly that is far from the case.
Here is my story
I believed in my heart of hearts, that loving someone meant giving them your heart, allowing them to step on yours if that meant it kept you tied to them. I did it all. i would sacrifice my time of studying to listen to him share his frustrations with me because I just wanted to show him I cared and i was always there for him completely ignoring the fact that what i had to get done was more important than listening to him moan and cry about his broken heart until all was well and i was kicked to the curb, I could barely get a hello out of him until I literally had to keep pressuring for him to acknowledge my exist and yet I continued on.
I believed all those sweet words he would tell me, letting me know how beautiful i was and that there was no one else like me, until I gave him my all and just like that, I no longer existed. I convinced myself that it was just a rough patch and that eventually he is going to realise how much he wants me however, days went by, months and eventually a year and still nothing, as quickly as he came into my life he was gone but i still believed he would come back. I would not let go....
The friend I honestly believed would turn to be more than a friend. I loved hard and I loved long and although i got nothing in return I believed that eventually he will change his mind and come to me, yet it took one small incident for me to once again become a figment of his imagination, yet still i held on believing and praying that things will go back to normal and he will love me and i will love him yet nothing changed....
It seems like a pattern with each man i gave myself to and it took me a very long time to realise that I allowed them to treat me the way they did, i allowed them to walk over me take advantage of me(whether they did it delibrately or not) it happened and I dont hate them, I dont despise them but I wish I had the strength that I do now, to have opened my eyes and realised, who I was and what I deserved. I blame it on my lack of self esteem, believing they were better than me, they had more to offer me than i had to offer them, therefore believing that I was lucky to have them in my life and thus I should tolerate whatever they threw my way because they were better than me. it took me a loong time to really look at myself and realise that I had sooo much to offer than and quite possibly more than they deserved. Although I do not discount the fact that they are great people and they do have a lot to offer, it took me beginning to love myself and realising that anyone who came my way would be lucky to have me and thus I had the power to decide who could have me.
All I am saying is, as wonderful and amazing being in love can be, its not worth it, if you give your all and not get anything in return. It's important to be in love with yourself and know who you are what you deserve. When you love you, its easier for others to love you back because they know that they are lucky to have you in their lives. I do believe good love exist and its out there but when you go looking for it, you misinterpret the wrong love for good. Sometimes its best to let it find you and believe it will be great when it does.
I was having a debate today with a male friend of mine. My argument was that I have not seen in any of my female friends or female relatives a relationship with a man that has brought out the best in them. Actually, friends who were once ambitious and outgoing become docile, weak, silly, and subservient in the name of love. Their new goal in life becomes taking care of this man in their lives. As a result, I have seen women who had such promising futures, give this all up for the sake of "being a good woman." I do not see men do this. They remain focused on whatever it is that they are passionate about. But for women, the passion becomes the man. When this happens, there is no way that this woman will lead a fulfilled life. So, I agree with you that a woman should get to know and love herself fully first, because if she gets into a relationship as a half empty vessel, there won't be anything for her to give to herself or the relationship.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you! I will admit I was insipired to write this blog not only because of my own experiences but mostly the experiences of my female friends and family. Like you said, I see these wonderful women with soo much to offer and the minute a guy comes into their lives they forget it all. I believe a good man will not want you to change who you were but will encourage you to be better and if he isnt its time to reevaluate the relationship and figure out if it's worth staying...however the common phrase I hear is "there is nothing else out there for me" Its soo sad that these women forget who they were before when they meet someone, they cannot imagine what they will be without them.
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