Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder

I am sure a lot of you have heard about the article published and then pulled out of the Psychology today journal titled black women are the least attractive women. I haven't read the article personally but clips of it here and there that I have seen, the writer states objectively black women are the least attractive yet subjectively we believe we are more attractive than we really are. As terrible as that sounds and as untrue as that statement is, you can't help to wonder why he believes this is so and does the world secretly agree with him yet are too afraid of being politically incorrect so we all remain quiet.

Of course I do not agree with his thesis in any shape or form and I am not going to point out which race has the least attractive women or people for that matter because in all honesty beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder so my definition of beauty might not necessarily be your definition and vice verse but to come out and point out one race of women is least attractive than the other is wrong.

However, my blog is not to bash the writer but to really explore that topic and find if to some extent we (black women) give this man the bases to come to this conclusion. I am going to break it down into topics and discuss each separately.

Hair

As you know black womens hair comes in all different textures and and length. Naturally, our hair is course, tightly coiled and weaker when wet. Yet due to chemical products, electrically engineered tools and the help of an asian women we are able to straighten, lenghten and change our hair texture. Now for someone who has gone through the motions with her hair and has finally decided to wear her hair the way God created me, plus some colour to give me some pizzazz I can totally relate to the frustration of needing to straighten our sometimes unruly mane, however when we go as far as to dye our hair blond(a colour I personally doesn't go quite well with dark skin and would like to think God thought so as well and hence us having black hair) and to put in 5 foot weaves, you can't help but wonder do we do these things because we see our lighter skinned sisters(and I mean non black) and admire their blond hair and long hair that we will do whatever to look like them? Of course I am in no way shape or form saying people dye their hair blond or put in long weaves to look white but is it possible some do exactly that for that reason?

Fading creams.

Now I am not stupid I know "fading creams" are to "fade away" blemishes from scares but we have all seen those who have gone as far as to use it to lighten their skin completely. Most recently and famously we know of Vybz Kartel the reggae and dancehall who completely went from dark to light and I am sure we have seen many women do the same. Now why do people do that?? Again you can blame it on the fact that it was a fade gone wrong or do they really find lighter skin more attractive??

Black men

Now you know I can't talk about black women without touching on black men. Of course with the increase of interracial marriages and relationships where majority of the interracial relationships being a black man with a non black women its only natural I touch on this. Now I personally have nothing against interracial relationships and having white ancestry myself I obviously cannot have anything against it. People have a preference and that's totally okay however there are some who in the process of dating outside their race have a tendency to down talk the black women by talking about not having long flowy hair (yes someone actually told me that was their reason they didn't like black women) and the fact that we are too independent. (Incase u didn't know non black women are also independent). Fact of the matter is no matter how a black man categorizes us we are women and women are the same regardless of race. Yes our approach initially to a situation may be different but at the end of the day if provoked we all can get a little crazy.

Also many of the music videos out today rarely show darker skinned women. Is it possible that they do believe that lighter women are generally more attractive??

Magazines

Recently the top 100 most beautiful people list came out and so did Maxims 100 hottest women came out and I believe only 5 percent max featured black women as one of the top 100 hottest or beautiful women. Now I could probably list at least 10 people off the top of my head in show business that easily could have made the list and that's not discounting the 1000 others who could be considered but of course its top 100 so they had a limit but again why is it that the only 5 percent or less represented were black?? In my opinion the number 1 person I felt should not have been number black or not but then again beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Now I could go on and on about this topic and mind u these are all observations I have made. I am in now way shape or form saying I am a credible source. This is purely my opinion. You can choose to agree with me or disagree and again I do not agree with the writer of the article that black women are the least attractive because I don't think there is nothing written anywhere that outlines what beauty looks like but I do feel that so much is out that that could give this man the bases to make such judgements and we are not doing much to prove him wrong.

Second chances

I am a firm believer in second chances. I can't say why I am but all I know is the number of times I mess up, if I didn't get a second chance, Only God knows where I would be today. Not to say anytime I made a mistake I was given a second chance to redeem myself because honestly I don't think that would be a good idea either but usually when I am given a second chance I usually take advantage of that and make sure I rectify things. Of course that's coming from me, I am sure if u ask the person I wronged they may think differently but so far they haven't said anything so I guess I did make my wrong right.

Now I know sometimes some people need several chances to get It right. I can't say I know why but if I was to make an assumption it could be for a variety of reaons, one they probably were not aware they did something wrong in the first place so they cannot comprehend the severity of their actions so they may repeat it again because they do not know what exactly they did wrong which in that case its the responsibility of the one affected to clearly lay out what they did wrong and explain why that act should not be repeated or 2 they are slow learners so it takes several mistakes to make it right or 3, they just don't care and if that's the case u shouldn't be given them a second chance at all.

There are also people like me. Very forgiving. We know some people just have to be given a second chance, maybe 3rd or 4th chances because we know that nobody is perfect and u don't know when the show will be on the other foot and u will need that chance. However what we need to also put into consideration is the fact that some people just don't care enough about your feelings so no matter how many chances u give them they are going to keep repeating the same mistake until u say enough is eenough and maybe the only way to get ur point across is to walk away and let them know that you have no more chances to give. Its hard though to do that because deep down u believe people are inherently good and though they may come across as not caring deep down if u walked away they will do whatever it takes to get you back.

Now the question is, is that healthy for either parties? I don't know. It might be because it sends the message across that you cannot be toyed with at the same time that person might learn not to take people for granted because they can be gone today.

Now don't confuse forgiveness for second chances because as important as it is to forgive and not necessarily because the person wants it, its more for you doesn't mean that they deserve a second chance. It just means u have let them go and u are allowing them to live their lives knowing u do not despise them and are holding them spiritually hostage by not forgiving them but it means u realise your worth and ur need to be happy and so u are getting rid or anything or anyway who has u contantly feeling defeated and lost.

Now as I keep pondering on the issue of when do u let go all I can say is this. Know when enough is enough and as important as second chances are, remember they are called second chances for a reason...you only get a second try and that's it.

Hey Young World

A letter to the younger generation

I am totally appalled and disgusted by your attitude towards life and your bodies. I wonder each day how and when did these innocent babies turn into these sex crazed, no respect for anyone especially themselves young adults. I sit back and watch you on the bus sit in seats designated for the elderly, disabled, or parents with young kids and not offer your seat to any of these designated groups yet when someone points that out to you, you have the nerve to insult and yell at them for even suggesting u stand when u are perfectly able to instead of apologizing and making sure u don't repeat yourself.

I see you in public with your significant others (mind u the word boyfriend was not allowed in my vocabulary until I was 18) and if I didn't know better I would seriously believe u were having sex if I didn't see u with your clothes on. So eager to send "sexts" and email pictures of yourself naked to each other and proudly post them online or suddenly through a fit when its posted online. (What did u expect to happen when you hit send you big dummy!) I see how you are so quick to offer your goods to sometimes to the lowest bidder just to fit in yet when your counter part refuses to do the same u laugh and tease them till they are forced to do the same. Shame on you!

You disrespect your parents, your elders. Parents are afraid to discpline because they fear for their safety or the consequences of the law. They fear that if they speak up and take action they may lose you so they keep their mouths shut. Gone are the days when children had a healthy fear of their parents. They always put into consideration what their parents would think before they acted. Gone are the day when the rod was not spared when discplining a child but these days all the parents have to do is raise their voice and the police are knocking on their door ready to cart them away.

As easy as it would be to blame you for your actions I can't do that entirely without blaming your parents. Parents are no longer taking responsibility on how they raise their children. Either they don't care enough or they are too afraid of not allowing their kids to "express themselves" blaming everything on the fact that their children are going through a "phrase" instead of nipping those actions in the bud the minute they display them and waiting till its too late to do something. Media can be blamed, with the over abundance of reality tv and tv shows that glorify teenage sexuality but come on let's be real, at the end of the day if something is not done at home no amount of tv can be blamed for the action of bad kids

Younger generation, learn to love yourself. Learn to be individuals. Stop basing who you are on who and what other people are. Dont be a follower, be a trendsetter. Who cares if you are not "cool" by your peers standards" Secretly they admire you for being an individual. Disrespecting your body doesnt make you popular and well liked, it makes you susceptible to disease, teenage pregnancy and quite frankly the title "slut" this does not exclude the young boys too.

Learn to say No when its necessary. Most importantly learn some mannners and some respect! Dont always fight those who mean well and are looking out for your best interest. Yes I do know that your parents may not always have the right answers or make the best decisions but it doesnt give you the righ to disrespect them and mistreat them. Wearing next to nothing clothes doesnt make you sexy...Dressing appropriately for your age and leaving some parts hidden makes you classy yet sexy.

The right person loves you no matter who you are. No need to dress a certain way, speak a certain way, or act a certain way to get noticed. You are noticed when you are yourself.

Love each other and stop making others feel less adequate. Stop judging people for who they are, gay, straight, short fat, tall, slim. They are who they are. Enpower each other and lift each other. Be supportive and lend a shoulder to someone in need.

I am not saying i am any better bu it doesnt mean you have the right to be worse. Time to be you!

Disgusted

On saturday,I was speaking to a friend and she told me a very disturbing story that came out of Ghana. Of course, I dont know the validity of this story and I refuse to watch the videos associated to this story nor will I post it on my blog for others to see because I refuse to take part in distributing this video but I am extremely appalled and disgusted by this story and I hope that something will be done about this unfortunate incident that happened in Ghana.

A young girl on the University of Ghana, Legon campus was caught stealing a laptop, of course as bad as stealing is, what was done to her is far worst than her stealing the lap top. She was caught by a group of guys who then started beating her up for stealing...not unusual in Ghana since most theives are beaten...to death at times and then to make matters worse, they strip her clothes and start filming the whole incident to the point of them filming her private parts. From what I hear, she was later raped.

Of course my part of the story is based on heresay but if anyone can verify the information for me, please feel free to comment on this blog.

What upsets me about this whole story is, the poor girl is now in police custody for the crime that she committed while the men are still out there. The fact that the boys are going unpunished...at least for now for this incident and the fact that they posted this video online is appalling! Why should any, be treated in this manner for stealing anything??????? Why does it always happen that in most cases when these situations involve a woman she is the one who gets the shorter end of the stick? Women all around the world seem to be punished for the mistakes they make when the men who choose to take drastic, inhumane disgusting action agains these women go scott free.

Before you rush to say North America is excluded, Just a few weeks ago, a Police officer in Toronto, who was giving a talk at one of the University came out and said that if young women didnt dress like sluts they wouldnt be targeted for rape. He came back later to apologise but believe me when I say women in canada didnt not let him go scot free for making such a statement. They took to the streets and protested against that statement. Women in Arab countries are put to death, beaten,canned what have you for their transgressions but then what happens to these men? Nothing!

I really hope that women groups around the world will take a stance on this issue. I really hope that people stand up against such injustice. Most importantly we need to stop distributing this video!

I am totally disgusted by what has happeend and I hope you are too.

Why do we lie?

Contrary to what the subject says I am not necessarily talking about lying in the traditional sense although once can debate or argue what traditional lying is. But what I really want to to talk about is lying about our feelings or denying what we are feeling.

Back me up a moment, I might be the only one who does this, but if I am not I am sure u can relate, so you have a friend, you know you have feelings for them that can border on being more than friends. Everyone around you clearly sees that you have feelings for that person yet when u are asked you tell them time and time again, No. We are just friends, they are like a brother/sister to me. Yet when u are allow you can't stop thinking about them, you crave to hear from them and each second you are with them you wish it will never end. So my question to you guys today is why do we lie about how we really feel about that special person? Do we say we don't have feelings for them because once we admit it out loud we are admitting it to ourselves? Are you worried that the questions will follow? The why? Where? How? Is it because we have found every excuse why you can never be more than friends? Is it because u honestly believe they don't feel the same way so once u put it out there you are going to have to deal with being rejected? Is it the fear of rejection? Your family? I mean someone help me out or did I answer my own question?

That being said then one response I have to at least one of those questions is, stop thinking too much? Sometimes we can't make assumptions when we really don't know for a fact. So why focus on the many reasons why it can't work when there is probably a very good reason it can? Any relationship takes work, long distance or not you have to put in the work. No relationship is easy nor is it perfect but if you want it bad enough then you can make it happen. Ask those who are in long distant relationships and are now married to their partners how they made it work. If its rejection you are afraid of then what do you have to lose? If they say no, they say no. They were not meant for you anyway. Doesn't make them bad, it just means they were not the one. I mean easier said than done, but coming from someone who has been rejected a time or two, I can tell u that u will live through it. Your ego may hurt for a few days, you might wonder why they don't want u, hell you might cry a bit but u pick yourself up and you move forward. You have to be rejected a few times just to know you can deal with life. Everyone gets rejected at some point, just like you reject others. If you havr a solid enough friendship, you can move past it and carry on and if you can't then maybe you only became friends with them because u liked them more than a friend.

Either way I am asking this question so feedback will be appreciated. If you also agree with my part answer to then that's great but whatever the case, why do we lie?

Pedestal

Okay so I know I have blogged on this topic before but I guess it doesn't hurt to bring it up again.

I think that most of us sometimes sell our self short. It doesn't matter what it is in life. To some extent we don't believe in our own abilities or our own worth or what we are made of or what we bring to the table. I think sometimes we meet someone who is accomplished has so much going for them and immediately we start to feel inadequate and we wonder if we can ever measure up.

I know this is particularly the case when it comes to relationships. We meet someone special, they walk into our lives with all these accomplishments and accolades and we look at our dreary lives and we wonder how will we ever measure up? How can such a great person even want anything to do with me? Even if they want me around? For how long? What can I bring to the table that will at least get me one step up so I at least feel like I am on my way to getting on their level. All I have to say to that is STOP! Stop stop stop stop!! Shut up!! Seriously? Are you going to base your worth on someone who just brings a piece of paper to the relationship listing all they have accomplished when you really that doesn't make them who they are?

My question to you the next time you start measuring yourself to someone accomplishments is what else do they bring to the table? Are they God fearing? Do they have a good family life? Are they respectful of others and themselves? Do they respect you? Do they live their lives like God is their guide? Do they have a good heart? Are they loyal? Honest? how do they treat their kids...if they have any? Really these are the sort of things we should be thinking about when we meet someone. What they have managed to accomplish whether through education, or professionally or financially is definitely nothing to frown upon but really if all that was gone today what do they have left?

I am no way shape and form saying that its okay to go for someone who is not ambitious because they are loving and caring because lets be real, love doesn't keep a roof over your head but at the same time its good to have an equal balance of both. You have to know that whoever you are going in for, can provide for you, emotional, spiritual, mental and physical stimulation as well as some security to know that no matter what happens they will always do their best to provide for you when you cant provide for yourself. Mind you, you also have to realise that you may not have the financial means or educational level or professional experience they may possess but if you are working towards that but you can provide, the love, support, spiritual need, emotional need and physical need they need in their life, then in my humble opinion you are definitely on their level.

Next time you meet someone great, don't just look at what they bring to the table based on their accomplishments and make your decision based on that but really dig deep and see if this person is really the person you need before you start questioning yourself about your own worth or most importantly if you should bring them into your life because at the end of the day, WE are all worthy, don't let anyone or anything let you feel less. If we can come before God when we really are not worthy of him then we can definitely come before man when we are worthy of them.

Have you said Hi today?

As you may have noticed, it has been quite a while since my last blog. I could blame it on lack of inspiration which is part of the reason I havent blogged in awhile but the biggest reason is that I havent found the time to sit back and really type something down. I have had some major changes in my life and although I like to think I have found a balance between everything going on and my personal life I just havent found the time or the energy to put something down.

That statement I just wrote is the inspiration behind this blog and I'll tell you why. Its soo easy as people to have a life style change and we immediately forget everything else that was important to us. It could be our hobbies that gave us a sense of purpose, or it could be good friends who were there to support you in everything you were going through, It could be your parents, your boyfriend or girlfriend or that special person who makes an effort to show you more love than at times you deserve. Yet the minute the person is no longer in our lives, or that possibility is removed from our lives we start to regret not taking the time to really appreciate that person more.

I know its hard sometimes to prioritize whats important and sometimes some things just take more time than others, it could be that work is very busy right now so you end up spending more hours at work or you are taking a new class so you spend more time in class or doing homework than you can spend on anything else. Thats all fine and fair and it makes sense but I also like to think that in this day and age with all the technology we have available to us, keeping in touch has only got easier and easier to the point where making excuses are not even justifiable.

Another thing I find most of us never make time to do is going to church. It seems like from Monday to friday we can wake up at the crack of dawn to get ready to go work on time, we might take time after work to go to the gym or whatever plans we might schedule after work, the weekend roles around and we fill it with all sorts of activities, yet sunday roles around and we suddenly are too tired, or we need to finish up some stuff before work on monday or its too cold so taking the time to go to church becomes an issue. Sometimes its just really difficult to go to church yet I like to think that if we have time for everything else happening in our lives then church should not be an excuse. Of course I am guilty of a few of those excuses but really why should we have an excuse when it comes to finding time to praise God after everything he does for us.

Pretty much my babbling here is just to say, lets stop taking our lives, friends, family and most importantly God for granted. I do know its difficult at times to really take the time out to find time for other things other than work or whatever else you go through but I find, that we only start having regrets when that important person in our life is taken from us. Why not avoid those regrets today and take the time and reach out. Also, dont use life as an excuse not to respond back to someone who has taken time out of their day to reach out to you. All it takes is a couple of minutes to say hi!