Content

When you walk into my bedroom the first thing you see is this huge poster on my wall that I made. I call it my vision board. Unlike the traditional vision board that has a bunch of pictures on them that people visualize what they want in their life, their goals, dreams and aspirations, mine are words. My goals I wish to accomplish. Some of my goals are materialistic, physical goals, others are more emotional and spiritual. I have it on top of my bed as my way of constantly reminding myself of what I have to do to get my goals achieved. The other day, I walked in and looked at my board and I immediately felt sad. Sad because I realized that the year has almost ended and I don't think I have achieved a single goal. I don't think my goals were unrealistic, or hard to achieve but for some reason, nothing worked out as I had planned. A lot of uncertainty came my way as well as unforeseen plans that were not escapable so I really couldn't go ahead with a lot of what I had hoped to achieve but it still left me sad. Sad because I felt my life was moving along but I wasn't moving along with it. Each day passes and I realize I am getting older so less time to really get it all done, but as I scrolled down my list, I came across one of my goals and it immediately had me feeling more at peace with where I am at. The goal I had put up was " be content with what you have." Often times, we look around us, to the people nearest us, to famous people, leaders, and sometimes family and we often compare ourselves with them. Sometimes we feel less adequate than them and other times we feel superior. No matter how hard we deny these feelings we cant help it. We are human. You may feel happiness, joy and pride to watch those around you succeed but that deep gut feeling within you always says "why not me?" other times we are like thank God its not me but we are made this way, to compare ourselves with others. Yes we may say, you don't know the persons story, or don't compare everyones journey is different but we cant help it. Our the fabric of what we are made of doesn't allow us to be truly happy with what we have. I know that's one area I constantly struggle with. Yes I am fueled by other peoples achievements, their successes, their out come, but at the same time, I wonder when my time will come, where people will look at me and say " I want too be her when I grow up" What I am realizing though is, there is soo much in my life I should be proud of. I may not be where I want to be but I am where I need to be and I am still moving. As much as I complain and I cry and whine and wish and pray for me, I have so much already.So yes I have a long list of things I wish to achieve, of things I hope one day I can say I did this. But until then I m going to keep pushing and pressing and not give up but while am doing it, realize how far I have come. A common saying I am seeing more now due to all the fitness pages I follow on instagram is this " Even the greatest failure is better than nothing because it means you tried" So although I am not where I want to be, or have what I want, I am trying and that's all that matters.

Thanks!

Lately I've been going through some things. I've been having a very difficult time and my mood and attitude has kinda sucked lately. I am usually very good at handling stress but lately my tolerance for everything has been low. People try to avoid me because they are afraid I will snap, others, feel like I am negative all the time and some pretty much think I've become a bitch. I wont lie I am everything people have called me and I am not proud of it. Its just that sometimes when you are extremely exhausted, mentally and emotionally drained and there is no end in sight, you lose who you are. I pray for change and hopefully God will answer my prayers sooner than later. Someone recently told me that my blogs sound like a pity party for a party of one so to show people that my blogs aren't always a "pity party" and that I can actually blog about something positive, here are a list of things I am actually thankful for in my life. With Thanksgiving on Monday(Canada) I believe this is more than a better time to reflect on the good in my life. So here is my list of things to be thankful and grateful for. 1. Family: Both nuclear and extended. Always there for me when I need them most. We fight, we scream, we laugh we cry, we criticize, we support yet at the end of the day, I wouldn't change them for the world. 2. Friends. I've been blessed. I have a very tight yet small group of friends I can count on for EVERYTHING. We may not always see eye to eye on everything, but I do know that my life wouldn't be the same without them...both new and old. 3.Work: Shocking, especially recently with everything going on. But I am grateful to at least have something to wake up for every morning. It at least provides me with money to have me go and come as I please, pay my bills and sometimes keep my brain functioning. 4.Church: I am a strong believer in God. Lately my faith has been wavering and sometimes I wonder if God can hear me but I am lucky to have a priest and congregation that keep me grounded and support me as much as I can. Each time I feel like all is lost, I always have someone shake my hand, hug me or share a kind word with me that keeps me going and my faith restored. I am not an active participate in my church yet each time I walk through those doors I feel at peace. There is definitely something to be said about communing with the community. 5. My Doctor: So I know a lot of people don't really like their doctors, well because anytime you go to your doctor is because something is wrong and no one wants to know something is wrong however in my case my doctor has helped me make my life better, his constant listening ear whenever I need to vent, helping me with my diet and exercising and encouraging and pushing me to be better in everything I do but also making me feel its alright when there are days when I cant do it all. I am definitely thankful for that. 6. Travel: I LOVE to travel. Probably the only thing that prevents me from travelling as much as I could are money and work. However, if I had the chance, I probably would travel every day of my life if I could. I am thankful that I am in a position that I really don't have any restrictions to travel and whenever I decide to travel somewhere I can do it. 7.Reality TV/TV Shows: Okay weird thing to be thankful for but trust me, reality tv actually keeps me sane. Watching other peoples crazy live actually helps me distress and take my mind off my own problems for a bit. As ridiculous as some shows are, I really am grateful that I have the chance to watch them. Also I cant forget Scandal! I am so glad its back on air. I finally feel my life is complete. Yes I am unavailable every Thursday night from now till May. 8.The gym: I cant believe I am saying this because there was a time when you couldn't pay me to go to the gym but I LOVE THE GYM!! I love it, love it, love it! My day doesn't feel complete until I have had a good decent work out. I have actually left work some days when I really should stay behind and wrap up my work just so I can make it to the gym. The gym keeps me sane. Its a good way to work off my aggression, It helps me stay healthy and fit and I love how my body is transforming since I started working out. 9.Sweets: Ever since I started my healthy life style, Desserts and processed sugars have sorta had to take a hike...well not permanently but I don't over indulge as much as I would like to. However if there is something I love about the gym is the fact that as long as I put in good work in the gym, indulging once in awhile is not as painful. Sweets make me happy, anything sweet makes me smile...what can I say. I am Fanti, We love sweets! 10. My phone: Okay I am not necessarily a technology geek but I do love gadgets, however so far my favourite is my fone. I am seriously addicted to my fone. I could probably deal with losing my purse over my fone. Not only is it my connection to the world via, whatsapp, text, phone call, facebook, Skype, twitter, instagram, its also my personal computer, my music player my information hub, tv and sometimes mirror(yes I use my front facing camera to look at my face sometimes). 11. My Bed: Okay so I don't necessarily have the Most amazing bed in the world but its pretty darn close. I look forward to hanging out in my bed all day. love my bed. My next purchase big purchase is probably a new mattress(not because my mattress is bad but cus a new one sounds better) but I love it!! 12. Freshly shaved legs just before bed: I know I have talked about this in previous blogs but I absolutely love how the sheets feel against my legs when I shave before bed... I mean I wont suggest the guys try it cus men with shaved legs is just weird but if you could and you could hide your legs till your hair grows back I would soo recommend it! 13. Pineapples: I just love them! 14. My nose ring: I loooooooooooooove piercings and finally 3 times a charge...this piercing has finally stayed in. After 2 failed attempts of piercing my nose I finally found someone who could pierce my nose with a ring that actually stays in without falling out before it heals. I mean my piercing hasn't healed yet but here's hoping it does soon so I don't have to worry about the ring falling out. 15. Life: No matter how often I complain, no matter how stressed I get, no matter how often I may come across as negative, cry, or repeat the term "FML" I truly and honestly love my life. Its not perfect and I wouldn't mind somethings happening for me that hasn't happened yet but all in all I have a pretty good life and hopefully with time, patient, faith in God and money it will only get better.

Its all about me

Let me share something about me with you, I am a people pleaser. Yes I am. I don't kiss ass....I am too sarcastic to do that but I am a people pleaser. I don't please people because I like to see people happy or it brings me much joy but I please people because I want people to consider me a good person. That's my truth. Call me fake, say I am trying too hard or I just don't care but truth is this is who I am. I am not saying I don't like to see people happy or that it doesn't bring me joy, but I am also saying I do it because I want to be seen as a good person in people's eyes. Its a selfish trait, I will admit that, but its also a very difficult, close to impossible goal and at times brings me more misery than pleasure. Why do I want people to consider me a good person? Maybe because I am not secure enough in myself that I feel I need to make sure everyone likes me or its my personality trait... My doctor did clue me in that it is a personality trait and its just the way I am. Not to say that I am like this in all situations and that that I cant turn it off when and if necessary but lets just say this is my default mode. However what I am also beginning to realize is, pleasing people is actually not very fun. Its not as fulfilling as you would think it would be. Half the time, the people you try to please take advantage of your "kindness" and in some instances no matter how hard you try, some people will never be happy with how much of yourself you give. The past few weeks have been rough for me. Primarily because I felt it was necessary that I please people around me so that I can be considered good and hard working and necessary. I was running myself to the ground and most importantly I was unhappy. I felt if I didn't put in all my time and I didn't break my back I will lose my worth, I wouldn't be needed and I could ruin it for everyone. However the results of that were I was hurting those around me, I was constantly upset, I couldn't open my mouth without complaining or crying, I wasn't sleeping at night, I was having nightmares, My weight was dropping(not that I am complaining about that) and I was starting to feel physically and mentally sick. Someone actually suggested I get professional help to help me deal with all of this. One day after a particularly trying day, I had a long talk with my cousin and after that a talk with my friends and my doctor and they all told me the same thing. Set boundaries. Nothing you do, or nothing you say can guarantee the outcome... pretty much, dammed if you do or damned if you don't so if that's the case why kill yourself? Just know that you put in your all for the duration of the time and then walk away knowing you have done it all. At first when they made that suggestion the first thing that crossed my mind was are you crazy? Put it all on the line j for what? to be told goodbye tomorrow? But then after much thought I realized that its true. I am killing myself for something that I cant guarantee the outcome. Chances are I am stressing over something that I really shouldn't be stressed about. I am trying soo hard to please people that haven't necessarily asked me to do so. They just expect my best and as long as I do my best there is really nothing they can complain about. Funny thing I decided to put their suggestions to work and it worked. I set boundaries, I did what I could and walked away knowing I put in my all and so far no one has complained, no one has expected me to put out more than I could and they have been okay when I say, No. I think No is one of the hardest things I have learnt how to say. No means you are telling something you cant be who they want you to be. You cant help them get to where they want to be. However No does not mean you are not who you are supposed to be, it means that you are not sacrificing your best to be mediocre, It means that you are letting them know that sometimes being the best person you can be is being able to walk out of a situation knowing you cant do I all. So what I have learnt is, I may never really change, I will always be a people pleaser to some extent but what I am do know is, I need to put myself first. Learn to say no, Know that no matter what I decide, I am not risking anyones life or its not going to change the way people view me. I will always be me and most importantly I cant please everyone. So as long as I am happy, I am doing whats right in the eyes of God and I am not physically harming anyone. I will put myself first when necessary...Yes its all about me.

Shy guy

No, My blog is not a tribute to my 13th birthday party where "Shy Guy" by Diana King was the theme, To those who remember that epic birthday party I see you. LOL. However, this is about the shy men in Toronto...or at least I hope they are. Incase you don't know, I am learning to Salsa...well I guess I cant say I am learning anymore since I am now a level 5 salsa dancer and I have one more level before I can consider myself an intermediate to advance dancer but I love to Salsa... I also just fell in love with Kizomba tonight but I digress, anyways the best way to master any skill is to practice and unfortunately due to my busy schedule and laziness, I don't practice much. Tonight, however I decided I was going to join my fellow "classmates' and "school mates" and go to one of the socials that is organized by the school every other Friday so I can practice my skills. I convinced one of my girlfriends to go with me and we set out. Upon arrival, we spent an hour taking lessons on Kizomba and fortunately an older guy was kind enough to ask me to be his partner. Once the lesson ended they dimmed the lights and now it was time for everyone to dance the night away. My friend and I headed to our seats with the hope of having someone approach us and dance. And there we sat, and sat and sat for 2 hours when we finally decided to call it a night and go home. I must say I was disappointed because the whole point of me going to the social was to find someone to dance with and practice my skills. Now most of you don't know, Salsa is not fun when you don't have a partner. You need a partner to definitely put down the moves.. so to even suggest that I dance alone would be ridiculous. Now, maybe my mistake was heading to my seat instead of socializing a bit and yes I admit I could have tried a bit however my frustrations are with the men. I lived in the DMV for 3 years(DC Maryland and Virginia) and I never had the problem of men not approaching me. There were times where I felt I should wear a sign that said leave me alone because at times I almost felt harassed. I can recall several instances where I felt so overwhelmed with all the men approaching me in one moment I actually felt I was going to have a panic attack(I am not even exaggerating and quite frankly I those times were when my self esteem was shit and quite frankly I probably wasn't as attractive as I am now, So to be in a better state of mind, open minded, confident (to some extent) and more attractive and I still don't get approached to dance I have to wonder what is wrong with the men in this city. There was one instance this evening where a beautiful older woman approached these two men sitting next to me to dance. For a woman of her age she was very well put together and very attractive. I couldn't imagine any man, young or old looking at her and not wanting to dance with her. She approached these two men and one turned her down almost immediately, after much coaxing she managed to get the other guy to dance with her. My friend was livid!!! She almost got out of her seat to ream the guy out for not dancing with the woman...She finally concluded that the man was gay because there was no reason he had to turn her down. All she kept saying was these men in this city there is something very wrong with them. So to my men in Toronto, explain to me, why don't you approach women? What are your fears? Are we not friendly enough, are you too full of our self to approach a woman or are you truly a shy guy? Often times I hear from those who dabble in online dating complain that most of the men they meet online who claim to be confident and appear to be "rico suarvez" are often times the exact opposite of who they claim to be when they do meet....if they do meet. So Please explain to me what the problem is so we can find a happy medium because I don't want to go out and not have a dance partner anymore. Shy guy please come out of your shell.

Trying to get back to me.

I've had a rough few weeks. Rough is probably an understatement but I just to not worry anyone I'll leave at rough. I like to consider myself a pretty strong and resilient person. I work hard, I don't take things for granted and I try my very best to do my very best at whatever I do. I usually can take on a lot and I like to think I don't sign up for anything I cant handle or complete successfully but of late I have been drowning. Drowning and barely gasping for air. there are moments where I have felt that I should just let go and allow myself to sink but the over achiever, resilient, hating to disappoint nature keeps trying my hardest to push myself back up. But really when do let go and admit my defeat and just sink? However if there is something I have learnt about myself is the fact that as much as I hate to disappoint others, I hate to disappoint myself. I hate waking up knowing that had I stuck it through just a little bit longer, I could have survived it. I would have made it. Yes there has been a lot tears, a lot of sweat, and a lot blood and sometimes I have lost my mind...probably more so than others... I haven't performed to the best of my abilities and I have let a lot of things go by the way side because I just couldn't keep up. I have been mean, I have been abusive, and I have been upset. The people around me are scared and worried about me and some are even scared to approach me. I have turned into a bitch to put it lightly(yes bitch is actually lighter than what I actually have become) and I have often heard, just deal with it, suck it up...it could be worse, people are going through worse, it cant be that bad. Just let the drama go and don't let it consume you. Yes if it was that simple I would be it isn't. A friend of mine actually pointed out to me today that she has seen me go through some pretty tough situations but I went through it without flinching so to go through this and struggle she actually understand how frustrated I am. I know it will be over, I know it wont last for ever and I know I have to keep pushing and I know my blog right now seems all over the place because unfortunately I cannot go into great detail what I am going through...at least not through such a public forum...maybe one day when things change and I am no longer in this situation but just believe me its been rough and its been difficult and sometimes giving up is all I want to do but deep down inside I know I cant. So the point of this blog is, yes its easy for people to point out how bad others have it, and that you should be grateful your life is not as bad and that through all things give thanks and I agree but I also believe that just because your life is not as bad as others doesn't mean that what you are going through isn't rough and it isn't difficult and that this isn't your worse. I think at the end of the day, only you know how much you can take and only you know what you are going through but it doesn't mean it wont be over and it doesn't mean you wont get through it, So whatever you need to do to deal with it, go ahead and deal with it. I know my therapy, is talking, working out and talking about it and sometimes I talk to anyone who will listen because I just need to get it out and I know it may drive others crazy hearing me go on and on about the same situation but its also my way of dealing with what I am going through to keep my sanity. I have also learned that I am not going to give up what helps me to keep going and so if it means I have to walk away from whatever I am doing to just get my mind back in check then so be it. I will not compromise it. So hopefully one day I can go back to being me, to being happy, and joyful and my old self but until then I am just hoping I can keep going and keep doing my best and just praying that things will change I apologize for such a messy blog... in the true sense of blogging I am doing exactly that, just throwing out whatever comes to my mind...no structure nothing.

To the Chris Powells of the World

For those of you who haven't really interacted with me in awhile, my newest passion and addiction is health and fitness. Some can consider it a phrase, others may say its just till I get to my goal weight but those who know me, know that this is my life and I have no plans on letting go of this life style. Its addictive, its necessary and I love it. Some times I wonder why I never clued into this life style sooner. Another thing I love, is watching weight loss shows. They are extremely motivating and encouraging and its amazing to see people who were worse off than me lose all the weight naturally through diet and exercise and keep it off for life. It tells me that there is nothing I am not capable of doing as long as I put in the work and dedication and my own personal transformation tells me exactly that. However I am not writing this blog to share why I love fitness and healthy living but rather this blog is about the people who have helped me along the way. As I type tis blog I am watching extreme weight loss which chronicles the contestants weight loss journey over the course of the year and their trainer Chris Powell who is with them every step of the way. Chris is not the typical trainer who shows you which workouts you need to do, or writes out a nutrition plan. Chris becomes your friend, your brother, your biggest cheerleader and he holds your hand as you cry, as you go through your highs and lows and he supports you through it all. He no longer sees you as a client but as a friend who genuinely cares about your well being, often times more than your own family and friends and each of his contestants so far have managed to lose the weight successfully and changed their life, emotionally, spiritually and most importantly physically. Chris is the type of person every one must have in their corner in life to become the best person you want to be. Through my own journey, I had some struggles, struggles I continue to face, but sometimes the biggest struggle came from those around me. Those who were concerned, I would look less attractive if I lost too much weight, those who thought I could become anorexic if I continued along the path I was on. Those who felt I was getting too small and I was starting to look weird, or concerned that I would lose my soft features if I worked out too long and too hard and yes its discouraging and upsetting especially since I felt I had been criticized about my weight my whole life and how I was constantly judged because I wasn't small enough, so to finally be in a position where I am finally getting to that point and to still hear those criticism its disheartening and discouraging. However, at the same time, I've had the Chris Powell's in my life, the people who have stood by me through it all. Who push me even when I thought I couldn't push myself. Those who have had only positive things to say and encouraging things to say even when I didn't think I was worthy of it. I remember having a convo with my Dr. once about being a black woman and having to stay somewhat a certain size because I didn't want to lose my "black body" or I wasn't capable of losing all the weight I want because I am just not built this way and he simply told me that, who said you cant? At that moment, I knew that all I was doing was making excuses to not push myself to be where I could be. I've had the support group who would change their diet options around me just so they didn't tempt me from going off track, those who worked out with me, or would tell me the consequences of eating poorly and discourage me from buying that donut or eating that slice of cake. My dear friend who is more than willing to take part in any physical activity idea I come up with, whether its taking Krav Maga with me, or encouraging me to buy groupon deals to take yoga classes, or signed up for kickboxing boot camp with me just to keep me motivated. Or my girlfriends who run 5k's with me or will suggest healthy food places for us to eat, Those who constantly send me healthy recipes that I can try. Even those who may not join me in my activities but are on the sidelines cheering me on and constantly reminding me of my progress when I think I haven't gone far. Even my family who may tempt me here and there but always makes sure they get enough of what I need to succeed. All these people have helped me through this journey and even when I want to give up and I just want to say fuck it all, They pick me up and run along side me to make sure I keep going. All I want to say is, Weight loss is not easy, working out can be challenging and being healthy at times can be draining but when you have the right people in your corner, the people who genuinely care about your well being and will do everything they possibly and physically can to make you keep going, you realize that nothing is impossible. We all need to be like Chris Powell and cheer each other on when they are going through their transformation. You never know who's life you may be saving. Thank you to all my Chris Powell's I couldn't do this without you cheering me on.

Dairy of a Fat girl

I have always battled with my weight. My love for food and my dislike for my body have never found a harmonious way to live. Constantly wondering how I can combine what I love and work on what I dislike to become the person I truly want to be. In the last year I have been working on my body, working hard while finding ways to eat what I love but finding healthier alternatives and sometimes its challenging and sometimes its not but its still a struggle balancing the two. However although I have lost some weight I don't believe I am happy. I put so much emphasis on my happiness and my confidence coming from a better body that I never really bothered to focus on working on me to make me happy. Yes losing weight was a great thing and I am no where near my goal... I still have a long way to go but I don't think losing weight has changed my outlook on how I feel and look. I think the magazines and media do a good job of misinforming us all when it comes to how we look and how we should feel about our bodies. We constantly compare ourselves to models and at times watching how men oogle over some of these models and women oogle over hot actors, its almost impossible not to feel unattractive, overweight and have low self esteem when you carry a little more than you should. Although I am constantly fighting my weight demons and trying my hardest not to compare myself to other people, I know deep down I may never feel as amazing I should until I get to my goal. My everyday struggle with my weight sometimes is so self consuming I over wonder if I will ever enjoy life like I used to. Weight loss and healthy living although essential to our lives sometimes can be taken out of context and sometimes unhealthy habits can be formed. Of course I don't even think or believe I have a problem with food but I cant say I do not, not have a problem with it either. I believe that ultimately my success will come from my own acceptance of who I am. Once I begin to really accept this is who I am I believe true weight loss success will come my way. Yes I have done great over the course of the year, working hard in the gym, eating clean as often as I possibly can but I really need to work on my confidence, my self esteem and my mind and I believe I will truly achieve all my goals. So before we judge others on their weight, lets really consider what they may be going through and their demons they are fighting and try to lift them p and encourage them because maybe that's all it takes for them to make the changes they need. Being fat is never easy but hopefully its a life I wont have to live for much longer.