To my Ladies: He is just not that into you

Although this post is addressed to my ladies I really will appreciate feedback from my male readers because I believe you can correct me where I am wrong but I felt this is something I needed to get off my chest.

In this day and age with books, movies, tv shows what say you on this subject you will really think that the message would have been loud and clear and women will know better but I find that the more this topic is touched on the more clueless some of our ladies can get. Of course sometimes when you are in that situation its a lot harder to see clearly but I like to believe that unless you completely lose your mind when you are in love...or really in this case in like, you should still know better.

Let me set up the scenario. Girl meets guy, they seem to click, they get along well chemistry is great. They decide to meet up for drinks. While out they seem to be getting along just fine things are great. Guy takes girl home, they have a wild night of passion everything is great. Next day girl doesnt hear from the guy she sends him a text, calls him whatever no response. three days later guy finally returns her call apologizes for the late response and then ask her if she wants to hang out. He decides to come over her place, they share a few laughs talk next thing you know they are back in bed. Guy is in touch for a couple of days just when girl is getting into the groove of things thinking he is here to stay he vanishes again. So pretty much the cycle has been set. Guy comes and goes as he pleases while girl sits at home with her girlfriends crying her eyes out because the guy only bothers with her when he wants something from her. As girlfriends they all advice her to move on and forget him and she does for a couple of weeks and then he calls her back and its right back to square one. The girl already has the names of the kids they are going to have planned out and the wedding dress she plans to wear on her wedding day to him while the guy is only thinking about her when his small brain does the thinking.

It might be safe to assume in this situation the guy is an ass and for the purposes of this blog please understand i am not talking to women who just happen to fall into the situation above because i am talking to women who have been in any situation where it just seems they are not getting the love they deserve. So back to what I was saying. Yes it is safe to assume that the guy is an ass and I am pretty sure my male readers will agree to some extent that the guy in this scenario is an ass but before we start planning the guys death how about we take a second and really think things through here.

So yes the guy is an ass but lets think about it for a second. Dont you for a second think that the girl is to blame in this situation? Yes the guy has no right to disrespect the girl the way he is but really who is the one in control here? Cus if you ask me the girl is the on in control. Yes the guy comes and goes as he pleases but who has the power to stop him from coming back? Or who has the power to tell him its either you stay or you leave and dont come back? If you ask me, its the girl. She is the one who should be able to man up put her feelings aside and tell the guy to walk away and never look back.

This morning I was listening to the Steve Harvey show and he said something that most of us may have not taken the time to really think about it. He said that we should all understand that there is a huge difference between a guy saying "I got love for you" compared to "I love you" A guy telling you I got love for you means he cares about you and likes you but it by no means he is in love with you and wants to be with you.

A friend of mine told me once and I am sure he doesnt remember saying this to me but this stuck with me and every once in awhile I have to remind myself of thing. He said to me, "If a guy is not spending time with you, its is because he is spending time with someone else" and I really think that is true. Think about it and I am sure my ladies who are in relationships can attest to this and my male readers can confirm this as well. When a guy likes you and whats to be with you, there is nothing and nobody that can keep him away. In this day of technological advancement its almost impossible not to keep in touch if you really want to. With facebook, twitter, linkedin email, cellphones, computers, whatsay you its almost impossible to get rid of people you really dont even want in your life. I said to myself the other day that its funny how even now when you want to get rid of someone, you really cant because technology still ties you to them. So really when the guy is not responding to your text messages, or emails or blackberry messages when it clearly says he has read it, its time to really advice yourself if this is really the guy for you.

Ladies i know its hard when you get caught up with someone and you really like them but any relationship is a two way street. Just because by nature you are a giver doesnt mean you should only give and not receive. Its hard to like someone and know they dont feel the same especially when they keep coming back every once in awhile and make you feel like they want you. Sometimes walking away and letting them know that you wont let them come and go out of your life is what they need to really to make them stay. I always say its a good way to screen out the good and the bad. If you walk away and let him know you wont stand for this maybe he will realise that this is who he really wants and will stay however if he walks away as well then you know he is not the one for you

Matters of the heart

All morning this topic has plagued my mind and I decided that instead of just going on and on about it in my head I might as well put it down since I cant seem to stop thinking about it.

Break ups I think is a touchy subject. Touchy because every single persons relationship is different from the next. Its really hard to put yourself in someones shoes and advice them on how to deal with their break up because you really were not in that relationship. How they felt is something you will not understand no matter how relatable their situation is to yours. Everyones feelings are different so you cant just come out and tell someone to snap out of it. Our dealing mechanisms are different as well. Some people break up today, and tomorrow they are over it. Some people break up today and 2 years down the road they are still mourning the demise of their relationship. I wont tell you which type of person I am but I will tell you this. I love hard but when I finally let go there is no looking back no matter what our relationship was like. Yes yes, I do believe that if you and whoever are meant to be together you will be together but in that instance I leave that up to fate, other than that I pack my bags and move on especially when I am through.

Anyway I cannot talk about this topic without putting my two cents in. This is my take on break ups and it might sound sorta harsh but I think sometimes it the approach you might have to take. Break ups are hard, after spending some amount of time with anyone its hard to break away and not let it upset you. Sometimes one person may walk away feeling better about the break up than the other but none the less leaving a relationship is hard and I do believe that for your own benefits its important to mourn the end of the relationship but remember this. The person didnt die, they just decided to leave your life its sad yes it is but dont sit around crying about it forever. Take your time for sure there is no rush but also remember that its not the end of the world. God may bring someone into your life to teach you something but it doesnt mean he brought them in to keep them there. Take the lessons you learned from the relationship and use that to move on to the next one. Every one brings something to your life that enhances it in some way. It may not seem that way at the time but if you look back you realise they brought something to your life that you didnt have before. Might be strength to be able to carry you through the next phase of your life, It might be love because they came when you had given up on love, might be reassurance because you were beginning to wonder when that good man will come your way or good woman. Either way they bring something to your life that you may not have had before or you need a reminder of but that doesnt mean they are there to stay.

Another thing we all tend to do when we leave someone we truly cared about is use them as a blue print for all other relationships. We place them high on a pedastal where its almost impossible for anyone to measure up to the standards they set in your life. I am guilty of that so I know what I mean. Its good to have someone who set the standards high but remember they set the standard for that period of time. Dont get me wrong, I am not say go from a winner to a loser thats definitely not what I am expressing here but just like my fingerprint blog, no two people are made the same, not even twins. Everyone has their own unique factor that makes them unique so Person A may have brought something into your life that you now cant seem to live without but Person B will come wiht something completely different that you may need in your life at that particular point in time. Either way each person comes into your life with something completely different just be open and willing to give each person a chance to be themselves in your relationship and dont punish them for the mistakes of the person before. Its not their fault you were in the situation before they came in. Allow them to make their own mistakes but also know what you need and deserve and make sure you dont allow them to make the same mistakes as before.

Most importantly I think its important that you dont sit around waiting for the person who left your life to come back into it. Yes as the saying goes if they are meant to be in your life they will be. However living your life expecting them to come back will prevent you from moving forward. God takes people out of our lives to prepare us to receive better people. If you hold on to something God has taken out of your life you are blocking yourself from receiving what God really wants us to have. So like I said before, take your time to mourn the loss of your relationship but also remember that its not the end. Wake up ready to move on and accept that what happened in your life happened but there is also more to come so embrace your fate and move on. As I type this I do not type this alone to share but I type this for myself cus I do understand its easier said than done but I also know that as hard as letting go is, it has to happen and you can only move forward if you let go.

Break ups are hard but just remember its Gods way of preparing you for something better. Embrace it, accept it and wait for your blessing because he/she is coming...might be a little lost right now but they are on their way!

The Art of Patience

This is a topic that has become so important to me and although I havent ever touched on it other than in a few lines in my other blogs I felt it is important for me to touch on it some more just because I realise how much being patient has changed my outlook on life.

My cousin is here visiting and although the circumstances surrounding his visit is not necessarily positive he is here nonetheless. I bring him up only because at this point in his life his patience and his trust in God I believe is really being tested. For someone who expects results right away and will go as far as getting the job done himself if it means it can get done at his pace which is probably a lot faster than the average person. He has been put in the position where he has no control over the outcome of events and no control over when things have to get done. He has been here for a week and at this point in time he cannot give you a definite time and date when he will return. Its driving him up the wall. Its testing his patience and quite frankly he is at the verge of cracking.

Of course for me its easy to sit back and tell him to be patient and just wait for things to get done but not being in his shoes I cant relate to what he is going through. However thats where he is wrong. I can relate. Being the kind of person who has no patience for anything. I have no patience for stupidity, i have no patience for time, I have no patience with just anyone who feels they can do things when they want if they want. living with my brother who pretty much does things when he wants can drive me up the wall but my expriences this year and last year has taught me something and that something is patient.

This past year, i have had to patiently wait for someone to notice my resume and give me a call for an interview, I have had to patiently wait for classmates to get their portion of the school project done when i had my portion done a long time ago, i have had to practise patience when I had to get somewhere at a certain time and the subways and the busses havent been on time to get me to where I need to go. i have paitiently had to wait in a cold and dark apartment while my apartment manager had to get their shit together and figure out what the problem was to turn the heat and electricity back on. I have had to wait for my brother to get home from a night out because he left his key at home and couldnt open the door.

All this patience has really taught me a lot about myself. it has taught me that I am not the center of the world and that I cant always expect people to do things my way on my time. It has taught me to be a little bit more reliant on people and most importantly ask for help when I really thought I could handle it all. I believe the most important thing it has taught me is, stressing over situations you sometimes have no control over it, will not speed up the process any faster or slow it down. It just means you have to try your best to keep positive and hope and pray that things happen on schedule. It has also taught me not to give up. It keeps me grounded and keeps me moving forward even when I lose hope because I know that if I am patient and I wait on the lord, things will happen at the right time.

Patience is something that a lot of us find it hard to practise. The world we live in tells us that if you wait you get left behind and to some extent that is true. However being hit hard with a recession, having to patiently wait to find a job so you can get your life back on track has really taught people that you really need to be patient. As frustrating as waiting can be, being patient definitely has its perks. Maybe this is God's way of giving us a chance to sit back, relax and enjoy this ride.

Fingerprint

If there is anything I know how to do well is be myself. I have several times tried to be someone I am not and honestly if I am to think I have failed at anything in my life time, is my inability to be anything but myself. Trust me this is a fight I must accept my defeat and keep moving on. No matter how hard I tried to be anything but myself I didnt succeed. Anyone who knows me knows that I have had my moments where I say, Okay I am going to try and be more like this or less like that and I may for awhile succeed but then just like that I revert to being myself and once again I lose.

Okay so really why have I tried soo many times to be something I am not? Simple, I thought being me wasnt good enough. Okay this is not a blog about bashing myself or feeling sorry for myself, but I am sure most people at some point felt that being something you were not would make the people around you care more, like you more, love you more. Maybe if you tried to be something you were not, people will hang around a little longer, or want to be with you. However what we fail to realise is those who are around us love us for who we are. They met us this way and if they really had a huge problem wth it they would have left a long time ago. Dont get me wrong there are some traits we all possess that we really should try to get rid of because its doing us more harm than good but thats the whole point. Its not doing anyone any harm but ourselves and thats why we need to change or at least try harder to let go of that trait. The minute being you becomes a problem for someone else you have to understand that its time to let that person go.

We are all very unique individuals. We are all cut from a different cloth and thats what makes us unique. I am a twin and although my sister and I share the same dna we are completely different and I believe thats what makes us very unique. Even the most similar of twins are unique in their own little ways. We are all like a finger print. We are all so very different. We can never be like another person but ourselves.

I remember back in school, there were a few people who idolized certain people in class, seemed like they wanted to be like them. Would do anything and everything to get the same recognition that person got. What they failed to realise that maybe if they tried harder at being themselves and showing people who they really were, People would love them more for being themselves than being someone they werent. This is not an unusual situation at all. you hear these stories all over the world. Especially now with gay teenagers being afraid to be themselves because people would not accept them for who they are. Its very sad that being yourself is no longer appreciated and awarded. Why should a gay teen have to be in fear of coming out and living their lives the way they want to because someone somewhere is not comfortable with their own selves so they expect everyone to conform to their ways.

This week, my friend and I were emailing back and forth and in one of the emails he sent to me, he said this " Don't ever change kak". That sentence had me looking at myself completely different. I finally realised that despite all my flaws and imperfections, in someones eyes I was exactly the way I needed to be. Mind you this is someone who has seen most of if not all of me so he knows my good sides and my bad yet despite it all he still wants me to be who i am. From that moment forward i decided to stop apologising for who I was. I decided I was going to embrace who I was. Good and bad.

So here you go this is me. I am fun, I am sweet, I am not affectionate but I am ridiculously loyal. I love hard but I also can walk away, I am very bossy, i am loud and i talk a lot but once you have me as your friend you can believe I will carry you and love you unconditionally just dont take advantage of me. This is who i am and i am not going to be anything else but that! I am just like a finger print. There is only one me!

Lets get married!

Earlier this evening, my cousin asked me a question and although I think I gave him the answer I believed made sense, I am beginning to wonder if I actually do believe what I told him and if I do believe why? So here is the question. "Why do women feel it is important to get married and is it my top 5 priority" Now my answer to him was its not my top 5 priority for sure and quite honestly it probably made my top 10 this year but i know that although its not important I do get married, I do know that being married for me is something I will like to embark on. Not for the purpose of going around flashing my ring to every tom dick harry and jane but its that life long companionship, being able to have someone to share with, laugh with, hang out with someone who loves you and wants you in some cases needs you. His response to that was well cant you get that from friends and family? I said you can but I sure dont want to have sex with any of my family members.Funny I know but truly this question has me wondering...why do we find it important to get married?

I believe this is a question when posed to 10 different people we will receive 10 different answers because everyone goes into marriage for different reasons. I do believe though that one common answer will run through all the answers and that I believe is companionship.

I have never been married so i cant speak intelligently on this subject but my observation of other peoples marriages and of course my own parents marriage. They've been married for 36 years and I do know that though they do have their ups and downs and my dad constantly being on the road traveling from here to there for work, the one thing they do enjoy about being together is having someone to come home to. Someone they know that in their old age, when we (their kids) move on with our lives is having each other to spend time with. Someone they wake up in the morning they can talk to, Even when sitting in silence they know they have someone there with them. In my opinion there are just some forms of companion ship you cannot get from friends or family only from a spouse or a partner. Okay so you dont have to get married for that. Oprah mentioned today that she chose never to be married even though she and Steadman continue to have a very successful relationship which is fine and fair but I also believe marriage as rare as it may seem these days gaurantees a life long partner. Its almost reassured that once you are married you are more likely to work at keeping it going than when you just choose to remain in a partnership without the marriage. I may be wrong but thats just how I feel.

I dont want to go on too much on this topic because like i said i have no experience when it comes to marriage but I do know that it is a journey I look forward to embarking on but its definitely not my top 5 list of priorities just as yet...maybe eventually it will make it on that list.