I graduated University 5 years ago. I came out believe I could take on the world. I had my 5 year plan. I honestly believed that I would have a house, a car, a nice decent job, possibly a boyfriend or a kid who knows by the time I hit 30. I was optimistic. After all why wouldnt I be? It was hammered in my head since I was a kid that if I went to school and got an education I would be rewarded with a good job and lots of money. Now the day had come, the big job, and the lots of money were on its way and I was anxiously and patiently waiting for that day. 5 years later, present day, I am still waiting for that big job and lots of money. In fact, i am waiting for that job period!
Where is that promise of getting an education will guarantee me that good job that my parents kept raving about for years on end. 5 years later, my situation is probably a lot worse than it was the day I graduated high school. The only difference is, I have a piece of paper...actually 2 that tells people that I have that education they require but it doesnt seem to convince them enough to actually give me that big job my parents kept talking about.
I can't help but wonder, was that an empty promise? Was that societies big april fools joke I just recently found out about? Now I can't help but wonder those without this fancy college education, are they better off than me with all the degrees they claim was necessary to move forward in life with?
Kanye has a song, it slips my mind but it goes along the lines that this man has all these papers to prove he has an education yet he never got anything out of it, now he is dead and he is going to be buried with all these papers but he didnt have a life that left anything behind to be proud of.
My other issue right now is, it seems like to be someone you must have the traditional careers, You must be a doctor, a lawyer, an accountant something that your parents will be proud to brag about. it makes me wonder, my desire to make my parents proud, has that actually restricted me in being who I wanted to be? Would I have had more success if I actually listened and followed my childhood desires than the desires and dreams my parents had for me. Why do some parents believe that the only way to be successful means you must have a traditional profession. Something everyone will be proud about.
Dont get me wrong, if its your dream to be a doctor, a lawyer, a dentist then definitely go for it, but for those of us who may take different paths, does it make us any less ambitious or even less capable of being someone because we choose to go a different path?
Why can't we be and follow our passions without being judged? Why can't we go for what we want without someone making us feel inadequate? Why can't I be a singer, a model an artist, a shoe cobbler without fearing disappointing my family and my friends because my job is not impressive enough, The Kanyes, the Jay'z, the Monique's and the lot who actually followed their hearts and left school to be who they are, Are they actually the smarter ones??
Thoughts.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Everyone's best friend
This past weekend, I had a very interesting conversation with one of my really good male friends. I love him to death, and his opinion does matter to me. Anyway the conversation we had has had me thinking about it over and over again and I am curious to see what other people think on this topic.
Long story short, We were having a discussion as to whether we were both the marrying type. Of course we both agreed that the other person was the marrying type but he said something to me that had me thinking. He said to me, He thought I was perfect and I would make a great wife but I am not the one for him. I wasnt hurt by his statement. Not a little bit. He is a great person and I do love him dearly but we do have a very deep friendship, a friendship that is borderline family so yes of course him telling me I am not the one for him was no shocker. However, what has me thinking is? Is this the common theme now? When people of the opposite sex become really good friends, it sort of kills the potential of them seeing each other as anything more.
I like to think of myself as everyones home girl. It seems like men can relate to me, like they can relate to their boys. Often times they forget that I am female and I often get the " you are one of the boys" statement. Of course I find that hard to believe because if you have seen me before you know that my "assets" will definitely remind you that I am a woman but I guess the way I relate to men, I make them comfortable to be who they are. They are able to share with me and speak to me about anything and everything without feeling like they have to be on their best behaviour or they have to censor themselves. However, has my easy going "one of the boys" demeanor ruined my chances of being with a good man? Do I have to become that girlie girl to be considered the potential wifey? Or do I continue in my "down to earth, you can be yourself around me" mode to potentially lead me to meeting that man?
If any of you have watched the movie "Just Wright" Queen Latifah's character reminded me a lot about myself. I am the girl who happens to be walking in with the attention stopper girlfriend, and i am the girl the men will come to me to try to hook them up with my girlfriend. I become the best buddy they can turn to when all is not well but I am not the girl they want to spend their time with in a romantic sense. Most times it takes them getting to know me before they notice me. It doesnt bother me really but sometimes I wonder if I am hurting myself and turning the potentials away or do I continue down on this path and hopefully that great person will notice me for me and love me for me in both the romantic and friendship sense.
Your thoughts...?
Long story short, We were having a discussion as to whether we were both the marrying type. Of course we both agreed that the other person was the marrying type but he said something to me that had me thinking. He said to me, He thought I was perfect and I would make a great wife but I am not the one for him. I wasnt hurt by his statement. Not a little bit. He is a great person and I do love him dearly but we do have a very deep friendship, a friendship that is borderline family so yes of course him telling me I am not the one for him was no shocker. However, what has me thinking is? Is this the common theme now? When people of the opposite sex become really good friends, it sort of kills the potential of them seeing each other as anything more.
I like to think of myself as everyones home girl. It seems like men can relate to me, like they can relate to their boys. Often times they forget that I am female and I often get the " you are one of the boys" statement. Of course I find that hard to believe because if you have seen me before you know that my "assets" will definitely remind you that I am a woman but I guess the way I relate to men, I make them comfortable to be who they are. They are able to share with me and speak to me about anything and everything without feeling like they have to be on their best behaviour or they have to censor themselves. However, has my easy going "one of the boys" demeanor ruined my chances of being with a good man? Do I have to become that girlie girl to be considered the potential wifey? Or do I continue in my "down to earth, you can be yourself around me" mode to potentially lead me to meeting that man?
If any of you have watched the movie "Just Wright" Queen Latifah's character reminded me a lot about myself. I am the girl who happens to be walking in with the attention stopper girlfriend, and i am the girl the men will come to me to try to hook them up with my girlfriend. I become the best buddy they can turn to when all is not well but I am not the girl they want to spend their time with in a romantic sense. Most times it takes them getting to know me before they notice me. It doesnt bother me really but sometimes I wonder if I am hurting myself and turning the potentials away or do I continue down on this path and hopefully that great person will notice me for me and love me for me in both the romantic and friendship sense.
Your thoughts...?
Monday, June 21, 2010
Are black women really that bad?
I have been trying to avoid touching on this subject because I believe its the most talked about subject in todays world and quite frankly I am sick and tired of hearing or speaking about it, However, each day, this subject is brought up again and I really think its time I shared my opinion on this matter once and for all.
For those of you who know me, I am a black woman and for those fo you who dont, well now you know. Yes my ancestry is African and like most African women I have been highly influenced by the African heritage I come from. There are many things about my heritage that define me. Also my mother is African and she has done a lot to define who I am as well but that being said and done, I was also born in North America and lived and continue to live here so there are many things about this society that defines me. Anyone who is a black woman in North America understands that we have many hurdles to jump and each day a hurdle jumped is an achievement however, the race is far from over so the number of hurdles we have yet to jump are too many to count, yet many of us do not let the race slow us down because we know that winning is what matters.
Now to my topic, It seems like more now than ever, this whole topic of black men dating outside their race and their issues with black women has become more and more prevelant today than ever before. Statistics show that many of the marriages that involved black men, 22% were with a non black women. Statistic also shows that 47.5% of black women in North America may never make it down the aisle. Well there are several reasons for this, 1. There are more black men in jail than there are out so if black women choose to stay loyal to black men then chances are fewer black women will find long term committement. Secondly and this is probably the most debateble reason there is today, Black men find black women intimidating. We are too strong, we are too independent, our expectations of black men are unrealistic and we demand too much from our black men or in simple terms we are bitches so a lot of black men dont want to have anything to do with us. Okay, well if thats your reason, then all I can say is meet every single black woman on this face of the earth and then come back and make that statement as long as you can prove to me that every single black woman you came accross was the exact same way.
Before I go any further, let me say this and make this clear. I personally do not have any issues with interracial relationships. My great grandfather was a white scotsman and if you know my family, you could probably say we have an equal number of non black people as we have black people. Thus coming from a very multicultural background who am I to say I have a problem with interracial relationships. My issue is, if you choose to date or marry outside your race, you have no right, to sit back and degrade your own race because of that. Granted your reason for dating outside your race is your reason and your reason alone, However, if you have an issue with black women, then you obviously have your own issues.
Okay so the common reasons why some black men have stated why they choose to date outside their race is because, they believe black women are too strong, too independent, we are dont want to cook and clean, we expect our men to work all day yet we wont have a hot cooked meal ready for him, we pretty much do not serve, worship and obey our men. First and foremost, let me make this clear, I do not worship serve and obey anyone but my Father above.If you have a problem with that then lets keep it moving. Secondly, I like to believe that all my strong, independent, well educated female friends that I currently have, are not just black women, but white, asian, latino, green red, yellow, you name it I got it and they share my exact same opinion. Yes our approach to men may be slightly different but all in all, none of us believe we are slaves and servants to our men(or soon to be men) We strongly believe that a relationship is a partnership, granted you may not have all the traits that I possesses and vice versa, but we know our weaknesses and our strengths, so where you are lacking I make up for it and vice versa. Therefore, if you cant cook, well then you clean and I cook or whatever else.
Also I strongly believe, a woman, black or white who becomes subservient to her man has self esteem issues. A woman who is accepting of a mediocre man, someone who does the bare minimum for survival has no ambition, no drive, no passion to be a better person than they are clearly has her own issues. Now I am not going to sit back and say because I have a masters degree, you must have a masters degree, or that if I make six figures you must make 7. NO thats not the case at all. I believe, that as a black woman living in North america, in this world, if I have managed to achieve so much and I continue to strive to achieve more than you have no excuse. Yes you might be a truck driver and i may be a high powered ceo. We might not be on equal footing professionally, but i am not going to walk by you because of what you have professionally, but I'll tell you what will make me keep walking, is knowing you are okay with where you are at and have drive to be better. Some people are okay with being mediocre and thats fine and fair, but for me, I believe if you have the potential to be better and I am not talking financially because you can have all the money in the world and it can go tomorrow, but my belief is if you know you can do better and you dont try to do better while I am trying to do beter then how can we be together? I like to think my white sisters, asian sisters and latino sisters feel exactly the same way as I do on this topic.
Personally I feel a man who expects his wife/fiance/girlfriend to be anything less than the best is insecure and lazy. A man who doesnt want a woman to push him to be better is obviously not driven and ambitious. Yes I will admit that some of our women are a bit too strong in their approach and sometimes their form of encouragement might be a bit to harsh and degrading but if a man can honestly open his mouth and say he finds a woman intimidating then quite frankly I believe you are not man enough. No man should find a woman intimidating if he realises you are only expecting him to be the best that he is.
I use this analogy, any woman, black or white, if they have a child, who is not doing their best in school and they are really not working hard to make the grades in school, is not going to sit back and say "you know what, its okay that you are not making good grades, its okay that you are failing school, just as long as you are in school I am okay with that" Find me a woman who has said that then honestly i believe she is not a good mother. A good mother will see their child is slacking off in school, goofing around, not doing their best and will demand that they sit up and work hard, they might enroll them in tutoring sessions, they will ground them, they might do whatever they need to do to get their child to improve in school until they see their child excell. Now the same way a good woman will see her man and see he has potential and will push and encourage him to do better...granted each womans approach will be different but a good woman will do that.
Now tell me, why ar eblack women always put on blast, well a friend of mine put it simply, because black men are soo quick to call a black woman out on what she does, You never hear a white man going off about white women, an asian man about asian women or a latino man about latino women. Not to say each woman in each race doesnt have their issues but they love their women good or bad and are accepting of them. I can tell you this, you can find any kind of woman in any race, so for a black man to put a black woman in one category and assume every black woman is the same way, then that shows your lack of education because just like you will find a head strong, independent black woman you will find the same in a white woman an asian women and a latino woman... A strong independent good man will see a woman and what she has and appreciate it regardless of her race. Personally i think when a man dates a non black women because of the colour of her skin, If i was that woman I would be worried because it goes to show, he doesnt love all of me but part of men.
Thats my two cents and thats all I am going to say on this topic. Feedback is necessary and this is my opinion.
For those of you who know me, I am a black woman and for those fo you who dont, well now you know. Yes my ancestry is African and like most African women I have been highly influenced by the African heritage I come from. There are many things about my heritage that define me. Also my mother is African and she has done a lot to define who I am as well but that being said and done, I was also born in North America and lived and continue to live here so there are many things about this society that defines me. Anyone who is a black woman in North America understands that we have many hurdles to jump and each day a hurdle jumped is an achievement however, the race is far from over so the number of hurdles we have yet to jump are too many to count, yet many of us do not let the race slow us down because we know that winning is what matters.
Now to my topic, It seems like more now than ever, this whole topic of black men dating outside their race and their issues with black women has become more and more prevelant today than ever before. Statistics show that many of the marriages that involved black men, 22% were with a non black women. Statistic also shows that 47.5% of black women in North America may never make it down the aisle. Well there are several reasons for this, 1. There are more black men in jail than there are out so if black women choose to stay loyal to black men then chances are fewer black women will find long term committement. Secondly and this is probably the most debateble reason there is today, Black men find black women intimidating. We are too strong, we are too independent, our expectations of black men are unrealistic and we demand too much from our black men or in simple terms we are bitches so a lot of black men dont want to have anything to do with us. Okay, well if thats your reason, then all I can say is meet every single black woman on this face of the earth and then come back and make that statement as long as you can prove to me that every single black woman you came accross was the exact same way.
Before I go any further, let me say this and make this clear. I personally do not have any issues with interracial relationships. My great grandfather was a white scotsman and if you know my family, you could probably say we have an equal number of non black people as we have black people. Thus coming from a very multicultural background who am I to say I have a problem with interracial relationships. My issue is, if you choose to date or marry outside your race, you have no right, to sit back and degrade your own race because of that. Granted your reason for dating outside your race is your reason and your reason alone, However, if you have an issue with black women, then you obviously have your own issues.
Okay so the common reasons why some black men have stated why they choose to date outside their race is because, they believe black women are too strong, too independent, we are dont want to cook and clean, we expect our men to work all day yet we wont have a hot cooked meal ready for him, we pretty much do not serve, worship and obey our men. First and foremost, let me make this clear, I do not worship serve and obey anyone but my Father above.If you have a problem with that then lets keep it moving. Secondly, I like to believe that all my strong, independent, well educated female friends that I currently have, are not just black women, but white, asian, latino, green red, yellow, you name it I got it and they share my exact same opinion. Yes our approach to men may be slightly different but all in all, none of us believe we are slaves and servants to our men(or soon to be men) We strongly believe that a relationship is a partnership, granted you may not have all the traits that I possesses and vice versa, but we know our weaknesses and our strengths, so where you are lacking I make up for it and vice versa. Therefore, if you cant cook, well then you clean and I cook or whatever else.
Also I strongly believe, a woman, black or white who becomes subservient to her man has self esteem issues. A woman who is accepting of a mediocre man, someone who does the bare minimum for survival has no ambition, no drive, no passion to be a better person than they are clearly has her own issues. Now I am not going to sit back and say because I have a masters degree, you must have a masters degree, or that if I make six figures you must make 7. NO thats not the case at all. I believe, that as a black woman living in North america, in this world, if I have managed to achieve so much and I continue to strive to achieve more than you have no excuse. Yes you might be a truck driver and i may be a high powered ceo. We might not be on equal footing professionally, but i am not going to walk by you because of what you have professionally, but I'll tell you what will make me keep walking, is knowing you are okay with where you are at and have drive to be better. Some people are okay with being mediocre and thats fine and fair, but for me, I believe if you have the potential to be better and I am not talking financially because you can have all the money in the world and it can go tomorrow, but my belief is if you know you can do better and you dont try to do better while I am trying to do beter then how can we be together? I like to think my white sisters, asian sisters and latino sisters feel exactly the same way as I do on this topic.
Personally I feel a man who expects his wife/fiance/girlfriend to be anything less than the best is insecure and lazy. A man who doesnt want a woman to push him to be better is obviously not driven and ambitious. Yes I will admit that some of our women are a bit too strong in their approach and sometimes their form of encouragement might be a bit to harsh and degrading but if a man can honestly open his mouth and say he finds a woman intimidating then quite frankly I believe you are not man enough. No man should find a woman intimidating if he realises you are only expecting him to be the best that he is.
I use this analogy, any woman, black or white, if they have a child, who is not doing their best in school and they are really not working hard to make the grades in school, is not going to sit back and say "you know what, its okay that you are not making good grades, its okay that you are failing school, just as long as you are in school I am okay with that" Find me a woman who has said that then honestly i believe she is not a good mother. A good mother will see their child is slacking off in school, goofing around, not doing their best and will demand that they sit up and work hard, they might enroll them in tutoring sessions, they will ground them, they might do whatever they need to do to get their child to improve in school until they see their child excell. Now the same way a good woman will see her man and see he has potential and will push and encourage him to do better...granted each womans approach will be different but a good woman will do that.
Now tell me, why ar eblack women always put on blast, well a friend of mine put it simply, because black men are soo quick to call a black woman out on what she does, You never hear a white man going off about white women, an asian man about asian women or a latino man about latino women. Not to say each woman in each race doesnt have their issues but they love their women good or bad and are accepting of them. I can tell you this, you can find any kind of woman in any race, so for a black man to put a black woman in one category and assume every black woman is the same way, then that shows your lack of education because just like you will find a head strong, independent black woman you will find the same in a white woman an asian women and a latino woman... A strong independent good man will see a woman and what she has and appreciate it regardless of her race. Personally i think when a man dates a non black women because of the colour of her skin, If i was that woman I would be worried because it goes to show, he doesnt love all of me but part of men.
Thats my two cents and thats all I am going to say on this topic. Feedback is necessary and this is my opinion.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
He's mine
This topic always gets me heated whenever I have a discussion on this. I know a lot of people feel differently about this topic so I would very much appreciate it if I got comments on this blog. Lets make this a lively discussion. No judgement just pure opinions.
If you know me, you know I am a reality show junkie. I pretty much anything reality based...well not everything but most things. I just finished watching this new reality show that started up this past Jan called "fly girls" Its about a bunch of flight attendants for Virgin Atlantic and their daily lives as flight attendants on and off the job. The 5 women all live together in one apartment "the crash pad" and they have developed a very tight bond...more or less like best friends. There is always some type of drama with them but at the end of the day they stay friends. Anyways part of todays story lines was one girl met a guy in the club, they were vibing, they connected and the guy invited her to a beach party the next day. The girl really liked this guy and yes she had only known him for a few hours but pretty much she had was into him. The next day she goes to the beach party with her friends, her friends knowing exactly why they were going. They knew the girl was going to see the guy she met the night before. Long story short, the girls other friend got hit on by the guy this girl liked and she allowed him. They exchanged numbers all infront of the other girl. Of course the girl was livid, she invites her friend out to hang out with her and the new guy she met and one of them walks away with the very guy she lay claim on. Anyways so the girl starts to date the guy and its a huge argument between the girls. The girl said chicks before dicks and she does not understand why the girl knew she liked the guy yet she still went ahead and took the guys number and went behind her back to meet up with the guy. She no longer trust her and doesnt believe they can maintain a friendship.
Okay so I am sure a number of you are going to say, Well the girl knew the guy for but a minute, he wasnt her man, they werent even dating so he is up for grabs. Yes thats true he could be up for grabs but personally I believe, that once you consider someone a good friend, a best friend, it doesnt matter if she spotted the guy in the club or not. Thats your friends interest. If he doesnt like her so be it, but why should you go chasing after him. I mean a man will be a man and quite frankly I dont blame the guy. He obviously knew that the other girl was no one to him just yet so he is free to do what he likes, but I like to think that as a friend, you cant stop who will approach you but you can definitely stop it from going anywhere.
The other argument could be well what if the guy is the guy thats meant for you? ARe you supposed to give him up because your girl saw him first? No I am not saying that either because you really can't help who is meant for you, but as a good friend I think the best approach would be to approach the girl, let her know the guy came up to you, you guys vibed and clicked and though you understand that she likes him but you like him too will it be okay if she started seeing him? She might not be happy about that but she will appreciate the honesty and who knows if she is a good friend herself she will know the guy is not into her and actually say go for it.
Another thing I do not understand, is women who choose to date married men? Or the ones who think that its okay to go after a man with a girlfriend. It doesnt make sense to me. Yes I understand that the world we live in there are fewer men then thare women but does it mean that if you see someone with a boyfriend its your place to go after them????? Also why must you always go after that married man when you know he is married? I mean seriously? What do you have to gain for going after a married man? I mean this is a union God has ordained are you going to break something God has put together? I think thats just Karma waiting to happen. Plus what makes you so sure that the married man cheating on his wife will not cheat on you with someone else? I just dont get it.
Anyway this one of my biggest upsets and I really dont understand. Maybe I am not as aggressive and maybe thats why I am single but I believe in Karma and I believe what goes around comes around. Going after someone who isnt yours will definitely come back to bite you in your asses.
Ladies tell me what you think? What's your take on this topic. All I can say is, I now understand why some women expect every woman to leave their home when they leave. I also understand why some women keep their relationships a secret and refuse to introduce their men to their girlfriends. We all know the kind of friends we have so you can't blame a woman for taking precaution.
Monday, May 3, 2010
What he wants! Part 1
This blog has been weeks in the making, I am not really sure how its going to turn out, but I am hoping its beneficial to everyone reading this blog.
Okay so I am sure most women will admit, there has been a time or two where a man has left them wondering what they really mean. In the age of books that pretty much explain to us what men are thinking, its still hard to believe that all those books apply to all men. Personally, I read those books, I absorb what is written and a few days later i am back to thinking the way I was thinking before I even read the book. Sometimes its really hard, We are convinced that the guy we are absolutely in love with is giving off all the right signals to make us believe he is really into us, yet he is doing everything wrong or his actions dont match his words.
After going through the emotions myself and over analysing every single thing any guy i was interested was doing, I felt it was time I actually asked men what they really are thinking when they behave a certain way. Funny enough, even though there were similarities in some of the responses I got, it was quite interesting to realise there were a lot of differences in the answers. One guy even said, its subjective. Each guy thinks differently in different situations.
I have a friend, a male friend, who expressed how he finds it sexy when a woman can go from pretty much dressing down to dressing up when the need arises. As he phrased it, he wants a woman who can go from wearing sneakers to wearing stilleto heels with no problem. The logic behind that is simple, a woman should be able to go from rolling around in the mud to dressing up to the nines. According to him, its nice to have a woman who can dress down, in sweats lounge around the house with no make up on but when it comes to going out she can dress to fit the occasion. Many a times some of us feel we need to be dressed up 24/7 to get attention or we just dont care about our appearance which is fine. However it is important that as a woman you are comfortable with who you and the image you want to potray. I dont believe in dressing up for a man but you also dont want to come across as too high maintanence or too low maintanence because either way, you send off the wrong signal.
One question I asked the guys were what do you consider sexy. I was expecting most of them to say a woman who shows off skin and has typical features they consider sexy as big breast and a big ass but surprisingly although a few mentioned those as some of the features of sexy they also said they believed a woman who was smart, great body, dresses well enough by showing enough but not too much that its border line skank. I found that funny because I always thought a man liked to see a woman showing everything but it was refreshing to see that some of them actually feel the opposite about that. They did say one thing that really stood out to me. They defined sexy as confidence. If you know me, you know I have self esteem issues, I always thought I had to be a certain size, or look a certain way to be considered sexy but after speaking to them, I realise now that how you carry yourself is what can be seen as sexy.
One last thing, This blog might have to be in two parts but to conclude this first half I felt it was important to ask them what they consider wifey. Some of us, especially those from Ghana haev always considered the definition of wifey as someone who could cook and clean and cater to her man but the responses I got surprised me. The one definition of wifey that really stood out to me went something like this. "Makes you think with the head on your neck, b4 the one in your pants. She makes you see possibilities and a future. She makes you want to love and protect her. She challenges your senses and makes you want to be a better man. She makes you want to make love to her. She makes you imagine what your children will look like. You actually feel incomplete when she's not around. She makes anything impossible possible, because in her you can always find hope."
After reading that, I couldnt help but realise I had defined wifey completely differently all along. It also made me realise I had completely misinterpreted how men think and that I can't always read into a mans actions and think it means a certain way unless he actually tells me what it is. One thing I am also beginning to learn is men can be simple. No point thinking too deeply into what they are doing or saying because sometimes its as simple as that!
Okay so I am sure most women will admit, there has been a time or two where a man has left them wondering what they really mean. In the age of books that pretty much explain to us what men are thinking, its still hard to believe that all those books apply to all men. Personally, I read those books, I absorb what is written and a few days later i am back to thinking the way I was thinking before I even read the book. Sometimes its really hard, We are convinced that the guy we are absolutely in love with is giving off all the right signals to make us believe he is really into us, yet he is doing everything wrong or his actions dont match his words.
After going through the emotions myself and over analysing every single thing any guy i was interested was doing, I felt it was time I actually asked men what they really are thinking when they behave a certain way. Funny enough, even though there were similarities in some of the responses I got, it was quite interesting to realise there were a lot of differences in the answers. One guy even said, its subjective. Each guy thinks differently in different situations.
I have a friend, a male friend, who expressed how he finds it sexy when a woman can go from pretty much dressing down to dressing up when the need arises. As he phrased it, he wants a woman who can go from wearing sneakers to wearing stilleto heels with no problem. The logic behind that is simple, a woman should be able to go from rolling around in the mud to dressing up to the nines. According to him, its nice to have a woman who can dress down, in sweats lounge around the house with no make up on but when it comes to going out she can dress to fit the occasion. Many a times some of us feel we need to be dressed up 24/7 to get attention or we just dont care about our appearance which is fine. However it is important that as a woman you are comfortable with who you and the image you want to potray. I dont believe in dressing up for a man but you also dont want to come across as too high maintanence or too low maintanence because either way, you send off the wrong signal.
One question I asked the guys were what do you consider sexy. I was expecting most of them to say a woman who shows off skin and has typical features they consider sexy as big breast and a big ass but surprisingly although a few mentioned those as some of the features of sexy they also said they believed a woman who was smart, great body, dresses well enough by showing enough but not too much that its border line skank. I found that funny because I always thought a man liked to see a woman showing everything but it was refreshing to see that some of them actually feel the opposite about that. They did say one thing that really stood out to me. They defined sexy as confidence. If you know me, you know I have self esteem issues, I always thought I had to be a certain size, or look a certain way to be considered sexy but after speaking to them, I realise now that how you carry yourself is what can be seen as sexy.
One last thing, This blog might have to be in two parts but to conclude this first half I felt it was important to ask them what they consider wifey. Some of us, especially those from Ghana haev always considered the definition of wifey as someone who could cook and clean and cater to her man but the responses I got surprised me. The one definition of wifey that really stood out to me went something like this. "Makes you think with the head on your neck, b4 the one in your pants. She makes you see possibilities and a future. She makes you want to love and protect her. She challenges your senses and makes you want to be a better man. She makes you want to make love to her. She makes you imagine what your children will look like. You actually feel incomplete when she's not around. She makes anything impossible possible, because in her you can always find hope."
After reading that, I couldnt help but realise I had defined wifey completely differently all along. It also made me realise I had completely misinterpreted how men think and that I can't always read into a mans actions and think it means a certain way unless he actually tells me what it is. One thing I am also beginning to learn is men can be simple. No point thinking too deeply into what they are doing or saying because sometimes its as simple as that!
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Its not her fault
I just had a very interesting episode happen in my life. Never ever has this happened to me and most of you might freak out after you hear what happened to me but everything is okay. It has inspired this blog so here we go.
Earlier on this evening, I get home from work, exhausted ready to just sit back eat my sushi and watch grey's anatomy before I hit the sack and then I remembered my dog on my form on farmville had not been fed and if you dont feed the poor dog it runs off and then you have to pay 2 farmville cash to get the dog back. I already had to pay before to get the damn dog back wasnt about to spare my 2 farmville dollars to get it back again. Of course I sign on to facebook and then suddenly a girl I added a few days ago. Now this is my mistake for adding her because I have never met this girl in my life nor do I want to know her after what happened but the reason I accepted her friend request was because she is a mutual friend of this radio host I sometimes comment on his page and i didnt want to seem rude by not accepting her friend request and one day her seeing me on his page. Of course I shouldnt care since I dont know her but I felt like being nice. Anyways the girl comes online and starts talking to me on facebook chat. Her salutation alone was offensive enough, I should have realised where this was going.
Long story short, this girl believes I have been having relations with her man and wants revenge on me. I originally didnt know what the hell she was talking about until she mentioned my cousins name and then I began to wonder if I really knew this girl or not. My cousin has no clue who she is either. Anyway, she then threatens my life and decides that the next time she sees me she is going to kill my cousin and I. Mind you the man she is talking about, I never knew he existed till she told me what his name was and quite frankly with a name like that, there is no way on God's green earth would i date a man with that name. I dont think I am above anyone but in some situations I really think I am. Anyway my cousin and I both got on her, called her out, told her we were going to report her to the police and finally we blocked and reported her profile to Facebook. Hopefully they do something about that. Anyway the point of my blog is not to come on here and talk about her but rather what i learnt from this situation.
First and foremost, Ladies, if your man is cheating on you, why do you find it necessary to attack the woman. Yes its trifling if you know the woman personally but how about the one you are committed to? He is the one you are dealing with not the woman. If you have a problem with him go to him. Dont attack the woman, Most times the woman didnt eve know you existed and if she did, sometimes she really was given the impression that the relationship was already dead. I amnot saying some women dont go out of their way to be with men who are already in relationship because there are some women out there like that but seriously, Your problem is with your man not her. What makes me laugh the most is when you see a woman whose man has cheated on her only about a hundred times and she chooses to stay with him, yet she will call the women he cheated on her with all the names in the book, hunt her down to beat her down, report her to her boss and pretty much do whatever it takes to destroy her life but the man goes scott free.
Its time we actually dealt with the problem and the one who created the problem. Yes the woman is to blame but the man is the one with the problem. Cut him loose, deal with him, and leave the other woman out of it. If she is your friend then let her know straight up that you are done with her but if you are gong to be done with her, be done with your man too. It takes two to tango.
Earlier on this evening, I get home from work, exhausted ready to just sit back eat my sushi and watch grey's anatomy before I hit the sack and then I remembered my dog on my form on farmville had not been fed and if you dont feed the poor dog it runs off and then you have to pay 2 farmville cash to get the dog back. I already had to pay before to get the damn dog back wasnt about to spare my 2 farmville dollars to get it back again. Of course I sign on to facebook and then suddenly a girl I added a few days ago. Now this is my mistake for adding her because I have never met this girl in my life nor do I want to know her after what happened but the reason I accepted her friend request was because she is a mutual friend of this radio host I sometimes comment on his page and i didnt want to seem rude by not accepting her friend request and one day her seeing me on his page. Of course I shouldnt care since I dont know her but I felt like being nice. Anyways the girl comes online and starts talking to me on facebook chat. Her salutation alone was offensive enough, I should have realised where this was going.
Long story short, this girl believes I have been having relations with her man and wants revenge on me. I originally didnt know what the hell she was talking about until she mentioned my cousins name and then I began to wonder if I really knew this girl or not. My cousin has no clue who she is either. Anyway, she then threatens my life and decides that the next time she sees me she is going to kill my cousin and I. Mind you the man she is talking about, I never knew he existed till she told me what his name was and quite frankly with a name like that, there is no way on God's green earth would i date a man with that name. I dont think I am above anyone but in some situations I really think I am. Anyway my cousin and I both got on her, called her out, told her we were going to report her to the police and finally we blocked and reported her profile to Facebook. Hopefully they do something about that. Anyway the point of my blog is not to come on here and talk about her but rather what i learnt from this situation.
First and foremost, Ladies, if your man is cheating on you, why do you find it necessary to attack the woman. Yes its trifling if you know the woman personally but how about the one you are committed to? He is the one you are dealing with not the woman. If you have a problem with him go to him. Dont attack the woman, Most times the woman didnt eve know you existed and if she did, sometimes she really was given the impression that the relationship was already dead. I amnot saying some women dont go out of their way to be with men who are already in relationship because there are some women out there like that but seriously, Your problem is with your man not her. What makes me laugh the most is when you see a woman whose man has cheated on her only about a hundred times and she chooses to stay with him, yet she will call the women he cheated on her with all the names in the book, hunt her down to beat her down, report her to her boss and pretty much do whatever it takes to destroy her life but the man goes scott free.
Its time we actually dealt with the problem and the one who created the problem. Yes the woman is to blame but the man is the one with the problem. Cut him loose, deal with him, and leave the other woman out of it. If she is your friend then let her know straight up that you are done with her but if you are gong to be done with her, be done with your man too. It takes two to tango.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Who are you?
*This is something that has been bugging me for awhile now.I realise that there are so many people out there who allow others to define them. From the way, they dress, who they talk to and even how they speak. It seems like the only way they can figure out who they are is when someone tells them who they are. Why do we allow society to tell us who we are, what we should do and where we should go? When did we lose our sense of who we are.
Back to this book I am reading that I mentioned in my previous blog. I am gradually getting deep into the book and I will admit its a really good book. Different style of writing for this particular author but I am enjoying it nonetheless. Anyway, so back to this same character who is dealing with a man that is supposedly "better" than her. She finally came to her senses and left. However, here is she alone, manless and contemplating if she made a mistake by leaving this man. Her friend is now advicing her that she might as well go back to this guy because its better to share a man with another woman than it is to be manless! I almost threw the book out the window when I read that!! "its okay to share a man than it is to be manless?"" ARE YOU KIDDING ME?????????????? When did it become okay, to condone cheating just to keep a man???????? If thats the case then I am definitely staying single!!
This is what I am talking about allowing society dictate to you who you should be. It seems like being single is now taboo so its better to be with someone no matter how he treats you than it is to be single. I know a lot of people who are in miserable relationships yet, because society will view them as failures for leaving their partners to be single they choose to stay in dead relationships just to keep up the "image" that society so very needs"
I am proud to say, I have never been in a situation where I felt it was necessary to stay with anyone just to keep up with society! I am almost 28, I have been single for a very long time and its okay! Yes I get lonely, Yes I wish I had someone to cuddle up with and yes I do wish that sometimes I just had someone just to have someone, but I am even happier knowing that I am not being made miserable just to keep an image that society deems as "acceptable" I dont believe there is anything wrong with me for being single. I dont think I need anyone or anything to define who I am. I know who I am and although there are days where I struggle to prove to everyone who I am, I really dont care what people think as long as I am happy.
One thing I know for sure is I like being who Iam. There is only one me and there will only be one me. I dont want to be anyone else but me. If someone has a problem with who I am then all I can tell you is turn around and dont look because I am not changing for anyone. I dont need to have certain friends to make me who I am, I dont have to have a man to make me "acceptable" I dont need to speak a certain way to be heard. All I need to be is me. As I continue to say, if what you do is not illegal, it does not physically harm anyone and its alright in the eyes of God then really who cares what other people think. At the end of the day, you can spend your whole life trying to please people but at the end of it all there is always going to be that one person who doesnt approve. Are you going to spend your whole life trying to please that one person? What about your happiness? What about what you want???? What about what you need?
The way I see it, once you learn to be who you are, people will appreciate you for your realness. The minute you try to be someone else it only takes a short while for someone to figure it out and walk away. Be you. Love you and dont care what others thing. Makes sure you know who you are!
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