End of an Era

Its Victoria Day in Canada and surprisingly I am home. Not to say I will be out gallivanting but for the first time in awhile I decided to stay local and enjoy the sights in town instead of jetting to my usual play ground the DMV. I decided for once it might be a good idea to stay in Canada and probably forget about the DMV for this year. Now let's see if my DMV crew will miss me enough to cross the border this year to see me and know that if they don't. I clearly know where our friendship stands. LOL. I laugh but I am serious. Anyway on a more serious note, I am home surveying my room and trying to decide how to tackle the day of cleaning and it suddenly hit me that a chapter in my life is coming to an end. Just like most avid readers as u end one chapter in a book, you are anxious to see what lies ahead in the next chapter but at the same time the end of one chapter means u are getting closer to the end of the book and if its a good book that might be slightly upsetting because u propel yourself into the book, you almost can associate with the characters as if you know them personally. Not to say that I am talking about the end of my life which I pray is many moons away but just knowing a part of your life is over for good. Now let me say this, my 20s have been interesting to say the least. I can honestly say its probably been one of the best times of my life but at the same some of the worse. I survived 4 years of university which at one point I didn't think I would ever get out, I packed my bags and moved to the states with no idea of what to expect while I was there. Met some very amazing people and lost a few of them in the process. Fell for a couple of people who didn't fall for me back...painful but I am still standing. Moved back to Canada when I really didn't want to. I went back to school and did a waaaay better job than I did the first time. Went through unemployment a couple of times which could have broken me down but actually made me stronger. Finally found a job I enjoy and it seems like I am kicking ass in that as well. Made new friends in Canada and they have been great. Finally made it to Paris and loved it! Now I look back and appreciate how great my life really has been. I am a little scared as to what my life has in store and also afraid that a few things that I had hoped I could accomplish, seems to be taking longer than I expected, such as finding someone who will love me just as I love them, the joys of buying my own house. Having kids and finally settling down. For once listen to my mother and explore the trials and success of online dating or do I just actively go out in the world and pursue the next good looking guy I walk into? Is my career going to take off sooner than I expect? Will I finally lose the 30lbs I've been trying to shed for awhile and meet my deadline of my 30th birthday. As all these questions run through my mind, I can't help but reminisce on the last 10 years of my life and wonder if I really did make the right choices in life or am I finally realizing that if I could do it all over I would do it differently? I will say this, as dramatic,interesting, heart wrenching, painful,tragic, heartbreaking, fun and amazing the last 10 years have been I do know that it was my life and it helped to shape me into the woman I am today. So as I approach the next decade of my life so fast and furious I do know one thing. I need to get out of bed now and clean my room because no one will do it for me.

Am I surprised? This is a Test- The results

To all of you who wished me luck as I embarked on my "research assignment" I thank you! I would be lying if I said I wasnt slightly nervous because its Lent and I wasnt going to have any liquid courage to help me with my assignment but fortunately and unfortunately I didnt need it.

If you havent read my previous blog you may be slightly confused as to what I am talking about so you might want to read "This is a Test" before you start with this one but to the rest of you here it goes.

Of course My mission last night was to talk to a random guy I found attractive and to find out if Toronto guys are really as wack. Of course I wouldnt be able to determine that from one conversation but as I said previously a lot of women in this city complain that the men here either dont approach them or they just have bad attitudes when you try to get to know them. Unfortunately I cant tell you if that is true or not because unfortunately my night did not consist of any attractive guys at all. Of course my taste in men may vary from yours and thats absolutely fine but in my opinion and of that of my girl, we were highly disappointed.

I was dressed to the nines if I must say so myself. I didnt want to blame the way I looked physically to be the reason why I was rejected so I knew that I had to make sure I looked all that and more and I am glad to say i did. My girl and I walked up into the club(mind you it was an acquaintance birthday thats why we were out) and immediately we were disappointed. It was just after 11:30pm and it looked like half the guys in there were already drunk which is a complete turn off since the club wasnt in full effect. we were lucky enough to be on a different floor from the rest of the club goers because for the night we had VIP status. So my girl and I decided we would still make the best of the night because the night was still young and we were hopefully that the "scene" would improve. We were then told by the birthday girl that the booth next to the one we were in was for a local celebrity. Now mind you, to those of you who may know this celebrity...he is really not all that...small scale toronto artist but I guess anyone who has a song out is famous in this city. He is definitely not on the level of the Melanie Fionas or the Drakes but I guess to his particular community he is all that and a bag of chips(arab community)

So my girl and I were just hanging out vibing to the music, next thing we know, these girls dressed in bras and panties(no exaggeration they really were drwessed in bras and panties)Where hoisted onto this mid air platform to dance. My assumption is they were go go dancers. Next thing we know all the guys on our floor were rushing to the raillings to get a better look. That immediately turned us off. I mean the fact that the men were immediately excited to see scantily glad women made me think that there was nothing in here for me. Now dont get me wrong, I am sure women get excited for that too, but there are a time and a place for that and the place is a strip club.

Pretty much that was our night. We had no one to approach because either the guys were drunk as hell, or they looked 12 or they were not attractive and didnt carry themselves well enough for me to want to approach them. To make matters worse, when the local celeb walked into the club all of a sudden these girls from no where rush into his booth trying to get his attention. He is not attractive in the least...compared to the arab men I know, he is pretty short but thats fine and he had the biggest and fakest chain I have ever seen. He had an entourage of about 8 people and enough girls to have some fun with. I was actually quite disappointed because I always like to believe that some girls wont go a little crazy over a celeb but I guess I was wrong. At that point it was our que to leave.

The highlight of the evening was when my girl and I got some late night food at a shawarma joint and that was probably the best shwarma I had had in awhile. We did see a cute black police officer at the shawarma place who did smile when we walked in so that gave us a bit of hope that all is not lost with black men in this city but we were soo turned off by the events of the night we were just trying to get our food and go.


So what are my results? At this point I'll say they are inconclusive. I am turned off by the men in the club but then again I can stereotype the men in this city by the ones I meet in teh club, so i might have to try another venue to test my theory but if the men in this club are any i indication of the men in this city then I must say I am disappointed. But regardless of how they looked, not a single guy walked up to my girl and I. The only guy who approached me only stopped to say sorry for stepping on my foot and then proceeding to tell me that he hopes I am not part of the celebs entourage because if I was he would slap me. So when I said no, he said you are better than that right and I said of course but other than that no one. Mind you, I am used to visiting other cities and behing hounded by a bunch of men....not because I am attractive but because men in other cities are bolder.

Anyway stay tuned. I am planning to explore this topic more but I can say it will take a lot to change my mind.

This is a test

I know its been awhile since I got on here but I guess better late that never. I should try to stay consistent but I really cant make that promise at this point. Anyway now that my semi apology-excuse is out of the way let me get to the details.

So you may or may not know this but I am single and I dont have any qualms about it. I cant say I am actively looking but I have tried the online dating route and although my experiences could be documented in the history books I would rather not go into detail at this point...maybe another blog. However living in Toronto one common statement I hear from many black women here is "toronto men are wack" Now dont get me wrong, I am not classifying each man in this city under that category because that would imply I know every man in this city. Now mind you, I cant speak for the non black women because their experience maybe slightly different than mine or of the black women I know but I think it would be safe to say I know enough black women who would agree with my earlier statement.

I know a lot of black women who have shared some very interesting stories on their expereinces with the men in this city and some might actually fall under horror stories but I cant say I have really put myself out there enough to really confirm or testify to the statement "Toronto men are wack". I know a few bold women in other cities/towns/states,regions/countries who have actually approached a guy and have had some success and I know others in Toronto who have approached a guy and have failed miserably but after my experience with online dating(which I can say didnt go anywhere because of me) I cant really confirm or deny if my lady friends are right or wrong. To probably confirm how serious this allegation is about the men in this city, there was an article in a local magazine about this very topic and although the writer could not confirm that all men in this city are this way, she seemed to feel that all the black women she knew felt the same way.

In a case like this, could this be a case where the black women in this city may actually be the issue or can the non black women confirm they feel the same way? That being said, I have decided that until I can really confirm or deny whether this theory is true and I know I may not really be able to ever confirm if its true or not, my girl and I are going out on saturday and we plan to approach a guy we find attractive and start chatting them up. Before that, I guess I should tell you why the women in this city...or rather the black women in this city believe the men here are wack well they claim that when they go out, a man stands and stares but will never approach them, or when they do approach a man he doesnt respond or he rejects them or he has no manners(there is a story about that, but thats for another day) So my plan is to approach a guy i find attractive this weekend and chat him up and see how that works out. I know I am fairly attractive so at least in the looks department I should peak their interest but lets see if I can at least get their number or have them ask for my number before the end of the night. Of course I do believe to some extent that a man should approach a woman but for the purposes of this test, I think its not bad if I go outside my comfort zone for the purpose of research.

So although I will never have a solid answer, I am hoping this little test will at least change my mind for the better and if it doesnt, I can honestly walk away knowing that in my opinion Toronto men are wack and hopefully take my search elsewhere...preferably outside Toronto.

Stay tuned for my results.

Happy 2012

Happy New Year folks! We live to see another year and just like the theme for "the biggest loser" this season I am adopting the theme "no excuses". This year I will not let obstacles be the reason I don't go for what I want and unless I am physically unable to do something I am going for it.

So I am currently on the bus after work heading to the gym. Its my first day in the gym this year only because I have been working long hours so I haven't made it to the gym yet but like I said no excuses so even though I didn't make it to the gym I still put in a good work out at home.

Anyways I figured this year no resolutions per say, instead of listing everything I plan to achieve this year I am just going to take each day to do something I have been trying to do for a while. I am not going to list what I plan to do because like I said no resolutions but I am going to lists some things I think we should all put into consideration and action as we see appropriate.

Let's start with exercise. Right no there is no justifying not working out. As long as u can get out of bed u can work out. You can even work out in bed but hey let's not go there. Well this year stop driving everywhere, cold weather or not, if u can walk there walk, if there is a particular sport u enjoy, find community centres that have the facilities to play the sport and enrol in the program or just take time out of your work day to go up and down the stairs a few times. Bring ur sneakers to work and do it. U can always incorporate exercise into ur routine. U don't need a gym to exercise.

Dating.

If u are like me, u may be facing some family pressure to settle down or u may find that u are ready to "boo up" and settle down and that's great if that's what u want but u find the traditional method of meeting people are not working for u or u don't have time, there is nothing wrong with trying more modern methods such as Internet dating. Now my girls are probably saying hush u haven't signed up yet so what u talking about, well I did sign up and my only reason for not continuing with it is because I realised that when I selected I need a christian, my options went from 800 to 2. Of course that's not going to work. But I also realised I haven't given the traditional methods enough of a chance so I can't really write it off till I fully exercise that option. Also I find a lot of us black women like to stick to our own and there is no crime in that. U don't have to tell me that black is sexy because I breath it and know it but then love can be found amongst all races so if there is that guy who has been trying to get ur number for a while nothing should stop u from giving him a shot.

Also its the year of letting go, if u have been stressing over a matter for so long and no results maybe its time to let go and let God, if u have been checking that guy/girl for over a year and still no progress, let go and move on. Often we allow people/circumstances/obstacles hold us back from moving forward and finding what else lies ahead. I have a philosophy, what's urs is yours so if u find u are not getting it, try a new path, open up to other opportunities and who knows, u might find out something better is coming or came ur way.

No drama,

I believe every year should be a drama free year but then we all watch reality tv so to some extent we welcome some form of drama in our lives but if you find some people consistently bring drama into your life, you may want to reevaluate the relationship you have with them. It may be an issue of them not knowing what and who they are so in trying to sort themselves out they pull you along for the ride. You should not feel obligated to stick around because u have your own development to work on so if you find they are distracting from your own growth let them go and focus on you. Some people also are very negative and they may have reason to but I believe if u welcome negativity into your life u get negativity so u may need to let them figure out what makes them so negativity while u focus on positivity.

So as we embark on a new year I pray all your hearts desires are granted and may this be an amazing year! Happy 2012!

As the year comes to an end

Hey lovelies

Yes I know its been awhile, I really dont know who to blame for my absence other than the fact that i had a very busy summer and it seems i am having a busier fall but I guess the biggest reason for my lack of correspondance is primarily due to the fact that I havent had a lot to say lately. Here I am though, and I know its probably a month early but I figured I'll get my "what I have learned through the year" post out now.

This has been a very interesting year to say the least. there has been a lot of changes in my life, both good and bad but its been a good year to say the least. One thing I will say is, positive thinking and strong faith in God can really get you far and most importantly keep you sane. I really do give Thanks to the Almighty because many of the great things that happened in my life this year is primarily due to him and I am most grateful for that. As most of you know, last year at this time I was unemployed...I hadnt given up hope but I realy was beginning to wonder if I would find a job..well the fact that I am using my lunch time at work to type this post is a clear indication that my situation did change. I found a job right at the beginning of the year and its already been 11 months since I first started. Although my job situation is not 100% stable right now, its still a great opportunity and I do believe its only going to get better from here.

Let me get right into it, for the things I realised this year.

1. Faith can move mountains. It make take a lot of prayer but when God is ready to work in your life, you will be amazed at how your life can transform in ways you never imagined.

2. Every encounter in your life was meant to happen. Each person you meet may serve a purpose in your life. You may not always know what their purpose is but as time goes by you realise that their impact in your life was great. May be great may not be so great but they always leave with teaching you something you may not have known before.

3. Learning to let go. I think this is one thing I am still learning. I think especially when it comes to dealing with the oppossite sex, many of us dont want to let go because the reality that the person does not like you, or doesnt deserve you or is just not meant for you is a hard pill to swallow but until you let go, how do you even really make room for those who are meant to come in and stay?

4. You may have friends you think will always be in your life but it may just take one incident for them to leave. As sad as it may be to lose them(and I dont mean by death) sometimes its probably for the best that they left because their time in your life is done. I usually smile at those situations and thank them secretly for being part of my life and wish them the best on their journey forward and if they are meant to come back into your life, they will but at God's given time.

5. I think the biggest challenge for me since forever is loving myself. I dont mean loving who I am as person in terms of my psychological, spiritual or emotional attributes but loving myself physically. Appreciating every part of my body, whether its my legs, my face, my hair, my breast whatever it is. For a long time, I would look in the mirror and just find all my flaws and depress myself with how I look but as I get older I have learned to stand in the mirror naked and just stare at myself and admire what I do have... I am by no means perfect or close to perfect but I think I am gradually beginning to see what others have been pointing out to me for years and I am loving it. I do have some more work to do, but I am loving every inch of my body and not to sound vain I am a beautiful person, physically and mentally and I wont let anyone tell me otherwise....which leads to my next point

6. learning to stand my ground. One comment I get very often is I am too nice...and trust me its not a compliment when I am told this. Some people believe this may be a weakness of mine. Some may argue that I allow people to take advantage of me and walk over me. Its true I do, not because I am too nice but thats generally my nature. I am learning to be stronger and learn to stand my ground but I also think that sometimes going out of your way for people is a good thing...you never know when the tables will turn and they may need you.

7. Learning to appreciate those who appreciate you. I think this is something we all take for granted to some extent. I am pretty sure we are all guilty of this to some extent. We are constantly breaking our backs, reaching out, or doing things for people who wont do the same for you or even if they will, its very rarely. I am soo guilty of that. I am the queen of keeping in touch. Even prior to email, bbm, texting, phones I was soo diligent with taking out my pen an paper and writing lengthy letters to people who would never reply or if they did, usually months later with a one line saying" I am doing well, hope you are well too keep in touch" However those who would constantly reach out to me, show their love on every birthday, special event, calling me all the time just to make sure I had had a good day, I took for granted. Now dont get me wrong, I did appreciate them but I also knew that they were okay and thats why i didnt bother but I am beginning to realise with time that, those who didnt show me the same care really dont deserve all my attention either. I think in relationships feelings and behaviour should be reciprocrated. So yes one person may not be good at texting or emailing as often but I do believe there should be other ways of the person showing you they care as often as you show them you care so I have decided that from now on, I will show love to those who show me love and to those who dont, well you know where to find me when you want to find me.

8. Last but most definitely not least. I think the biggest thing I may have learnt this year is just trying to be a better person in all aspects of my life! Whether its my relationship with God, or my friends and family, even at work. Just trying to be the person I believe God wants me to be and appreciating each day I am on earth. Life is not perfect and our world most certainly isnt but i think if we can take each moment we have to thank God for all the small things anda big things in our life it will change our outlook on life. Its such an easy thing to stay negative and to always find the bad in every situation but if you really take the time to look at all the good in the world you will realise that the Good most definitely outweighs the bad. So until you begin to realise that, you will continue to stay in your negative runt.

9. No one should ever be too busy to reach out to you. I find that people constantly use the "I've been busy" excuse for their reason for not keeping in touch. I dont think thats true. Yes we do get busy and sometimes we do let life take over some of the more important stuff in our lives but I really and truly believe that if someone really means a lot to you, there is nothing in this world that can keep you away from them. So Ladies and Men, when someone tells you they have been busy hence their silence just take it as a sign to mean you are not important enough for me to factor you into my life. I may be wrong but I like to believe that anyone who considers you important will make the time.

I wish you all the best in your lives. A beautiful and Happy Christmas and an exciting and Prosperous New Year. I am hoping that I can have another opportunity to write to you guys before the year ends but incase I dont, Its been real!

Peace!

Real wisdom from a youngster

I know its been awhile...lets just say I allowed life to take control but I am back and hopefully with some insightful things to say.

As you may know, I recently celebrated my birthday and for those of you who know me and know me well, you know my birthday is a pretty big deal. I love my birthdays because its that one day in the yea where I feel like its okay to be exactly who I am because people will love and tolerate me at least for the day. Not to say i become a complete brat but I like the feeling of feeling special and having all the attention on me for a change...but not only does it make me feel special but its also a chance for me to really reflect on my life and see how far I have come and how far I still have to go. This birthday was no different and once again I reflected on how far I have come and how far I have yet to go.

Recently the topic of love has been on my mind a lot...what does love really entail, why are we willing to deal with people who may not feel the way we do or why do we know we love someone yet still turn around and break their heart. I cant say i have come up with any solid answers but I have discussed this with a few people and each have different opinions on the matter but the one thing that they all said in common was when you find love, nothing or no one will stop you for going for it.

Often times, we think we have found the one. We believe in our hearts that the person we are hopelessly in love with is the one. Yet they give us every reason in teh book why they are not the one. They are not as attentive to us, they seem to have all the excuses in the book as to why you and them just cant be together and they just dont seem to show that they care enough to really make you feel like they are the ones for you. Despite all their actions we still hold on and pray that the they change and they suddenly start doing everything to prove to you that they are the ones. In the mean time, we may be passing on other opportunities with other people because we believe in our hearts of hearts that your "one" is really the one.

I had a really interesting conversation with my cousin today and she went in...i was actually quite surprised because although I know she can be very expressive when she is passionate about something I have never really seen her really go on about anything. She pretty much said, there is nothing in this world that will prevent you from being with someone if you really care for them. It doesnt matter if you have oceans seperating you, you are not in the financial position you want to be in, or you just dont think you have the emotional strength to keep going. when you love someone all you can think about is being with that person so if it means you have to deal with all the clear obstacle and unclear obstacles in your way you will do it. The minute someone is not willing to jump that first hurdle for you, there is a possiblity they never will. So this is when you need to ask yourself, Are you willing to wait till they decide to at least jump one hurdle, or are you going to move on and find that one who is willing to swim the ocean for you if it means they can have you?

Of course nothing she has said was new to me, hell I have shared that same opionion and thoughts with others but it really put it into perspective coming from her because knowing she was in a situation where there were soo many obstacles in her way yet she was dealing with each obstacle everyday because all she wanted was to be with her signficant other made me realise that nothing in this world should hold me back or anyone back from being with who you love.

that being said, love is a two way straight, you must give to receive just as you must receive to give, so yes you may be willing to jump off the boat and swim an ocean for that person but if they are not willing to do the same then whats the point? This is really when you must decide in your heart that are you willing to let go of your "one" to find the one who wants you as their "one" as well or are you going to keep holding on and praying that your one finally sees you as your one even if it means you miss out on something thats even greater and better than what you have set out for yourself.

Before I finally end this, just remember this. In life we all have things we want and hope for and we will do everything in our power to get it even if the odds are against us and it just seems like the more we try the more we fail. But make sure that whatever you are fighting for is really what you are meant to have. Sometimes God is the reason these things are not working because he knows there is something bigger and better in store for us and he wants us to be patient as he prepares it for us. So all I will say is learn to let go and Let Go. The heart can heal...the heart will heal so learn to say goodbye....as Beyonce said...I finally found the good in bye. Have you ever looked back in your life and saw the person you were hopeless in love with turned out to be completely wrong for you? and you ask yourself what did i see? Well maybe one day you will say the same about the person you just cant seem to let go of even though you really should.

Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder

I am sure a lot of you have heard about the article published and then pulled out of the Psychology today journal titled black women are the least attractive women. I haven't read the article personally but clips of it here and there that I have seen, the writer states objectively black women are the least attractive yet subjectively we believe we are more attractive than we really are. As terrible as that sounds and as untrue as that statement is, you can't help to wonder why he believes this is so and does the world secretly agree with him yet are too afraid of being politically incorrect so we all remain quiet.

Of course I do not agree with his thesis in any shape or form and I am not going to point out which race has the least attractive women or people for that matter because in all honesty beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder so my definition of beauty might not necessarily be your definition and vice verse but to come out and point out one race of women is least attractive than the other is wrong.

However, my blog is not to bash the writer but to really explore that topic and find if to some extent we (black women) give this man the bases to come to this conclusion. I am going to break it down into topics and discuss each separately.

Hair

As you know black womens hair comes in all different textures and and length. Naturally, our hair is course, tightly coiled and weaker when wet. Yet due to chemical products, electrically engineered tools and the help of an asian women we are able to straighten, lenghten and change our hair texture. Now for someone who has gone through the motions with her hair and has finally decided to wear her hair the way God created me, plus some colour to give me some pizzazz I can totally relate to the frustration of needing to straighten our sometimes unruly mane, however when we go as far as to dye our hair blond(a colour I personally doesn't go quite well with dark skin and would like to think God thought so as well and hence us having black hair) and to put in 5 foot weaves, you can't help but wonder do we do these things because we see our lighter skinned sisters(and I mean non black) and admire their blond hair and long hair that we will do whatever to look like them? Of course I am in no way shape or form saying people dye their hair blond or put in long weaves to look white but is it possible some do exactly that for that reason?

Fading creams.

Now I am not stupid I know "fading creams" are to "fade away" blemishes from scares but we have all seen those who have gone as far as to use it to lighten their skin completely. Most recently and famously we know of Vybz Kartel the reggae and dancehall who completely went from dark to light and I am sure we have seen many women do the same. Now why do people do that?? Again you can blame it on the fact that it was a fade gone wrong or do they really find lighter skin more attractive??

Black men

Now you know I can't talk about black women without touching on black men. Of course with the increase of interracial marriages and relationships where majority of the interracial relationships being a black man with a non black women its only natural I touch on this. Now I personally have nothing against interracial relationships and having white ancestry myself I obviously cannot have anything against it. People have a preference and that's totally okay however there are some who in the process of dating outside their race have a tendency to down talk the black women by talking about not having long flowy hair (yes someone actually told me that was their reason they didn't like black women) and the fact that we are too independent. (Incase u didn't know non black women are also independent). Fact of the matter is no matter how a black man categorizes us we are women and women are the same regardless of race. Yes our approach initially to a situation may be different but at the end of the day if provoked we all can get a little crazy.

Also many of the music videos out today rarely show darker skinned women. Is it possible that they do believe that lighter women are generally more attractive??

Magazines

Recently the top 100 most beautiful people list came out and so did Maxims 100 hottest women came out and I believe only 5 percent max featured black women as one of the top 100 hottest or beautiful women. Now I could probably list at least 10 people off the top of my head in show business that easily could have made the list and that's not discounting the 1000 others who could be considered but of course its top 100 so they had a limit but again why is it that the only 5 percent or less represented were black?? In my opinion the number 1 person I felt should not have been number black or not but then again beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Now I could go on and on about this topic and mind u these are all observations I have made. I am in now way shape or form saying I am a credible source. This is purely my opinion. You can choose to agree with me or disagree and again I do not agree with the writer of the article that black women are the least attractive because I don't think there is nothing written anywhere that outlines what beauty looks like but I do feel that so much is out that that could give this man the bases to make such judgements and we are not doing much to prove him wrong.