My love hate relationship with my best friend

I love my best friend. She is awesome but I also think that I have to change my relationship with her because its getting slightly toxic. Once a relationship starts to get toxic, you either have to change or get out. In this case I can't get out. If I did, I would physically die (I am not being overly dramatic) so the best solution is to change my interaction with her and make it a healthier relationship. Its hard because this transformation wont be overnight, it might take several months but I am desperate and I am willing to try anything to ensure we get to a great place where we can fuction well. The problem is that I call her my best friend. I depend on her heavily and I have allowed her to control this relationship and when I do try to take control, I succeed for a while and then fall back into old habits and then she is back in control. I know its not fair that I dont want her to be in control sometimes and some of you may suggest that we can share control and thats a viable option but until I can exercise restrain and gain my own self control, I dont think I should allow her to take charge. At least not until we are in a good place. In case some of you are wondering whom this best friend is, and why do I feel I would die if I lost her, then let me enlightened you. My best friend is food. I know, I had you fooled and some of you may think I am being ridiculous but hear me out (or read me out). I love food, just like most of you love food. Food provides comfort when things are bad...or good, it sustains us, norishes us and sometime food can be nostalgic. Reminds you of a time when things were great, sad, happy, joyous. It bonds us together, it makes us feel loved and appreciated and it actually transforms our body for best, or the worst depending on what you eat. However, food can be controlling, it can control our mood, our thoughts and feelings and most importantly our bodies. Its great when you consume all the right things but its bad, really bad when you eat all the wrong things. Now don't get me wrong, I am all for indulging every once in awhile and enjoying life with good food. I mean we are human and we are allowed to eat richly but I believe I have allowed food to dictate my life in a way i should not allow it to. My goal this year is to get to a place with food where i am comfortable with the occasional indulgence but not allow myself to let food control my life. ..specifically bad food. Ohh by the way I am not talking about healthy food. I am talking about all the junk thats out there taking on the face of food when really and truly its crap. I am trying to love myself enough to m know when to say no and when to say yes, its okay to eat this right now. I find i get to a place where i can go for long periods of time without eating junk but the minute i re introduce it, its hard to get off it. So for those of you who are reading this and saying, then just stop eating crap food and go about your business. You cant stop right there. Losing weight and eating healthy is probably the hardest thing you will ever do in your life. Yes people succeed everyday and manage to keep it off for life but then for anyone who has succeeded I am pretty sure if you spoke to them, they would tell you this is not their first rodeo. They have tried and failed several times until they hit bottom and decided this time they will let it stick. Even then, everyday is a struggle. Just like a recovering alcoholic or a recovering drug addict struggles each day not to shoot up when they desire it or to take that sip when that seems like the only solution a food addict struggles to break away from food. You may argue that well, you are not fat anf even when you were heavy you were not fat so how do you even classify yourself as a food addict ( yes I do believe I have an addiction to food). I believe food is my addiction because I think about food more than I think about anything else. I am happiest when I am eating and I actually feel withdrawals when I havent had food in a few hours. Even when I am full, i pick at food because its there and I tell myself everyday this is the last time ill eat like this and I dont until I relapse. Anyway today I tell myself I have hit rock bottom. Food doesnt give me the same satisfaction as a good work out does. BAD Food no longer provides me comfort but rather discomfort and in some cases pain. Bad food is taking away the body i worked sooo hard to get and bringing back that body i worked sooo hard to get rid off. So today my dear best friend, I am back in control. I am changing our relationship for the better and if you have a problem with it. That's too bad but you will deal with it. Ill always love you but bad food you are no longer for me. Watch this space. August will be the big unveiling of the new me.

Reply

I am not perfect. I don't claim to be and I don't aspire to be perfect. I know my short comings and I know my strengths and good qualities. My best and worst quality I would say is, I am too caring. I am not affectionate, I am not overly loving and I was recently told I am not even sweet but caring I am. Supportive for sure, but definitely caring. I care genuinely about anyone I come into contact with. Be it my friends, family members even exes or the homeless man on the street. My level of caring my differ based on my relationship with the person and the level of need but ultimately one must know that no matter what I care. I am not great at expressing my self verbally but my actions will do the talking. I will say my ability to care too much may come across sometimes as bossy or sometimes nagging depending on the situation but ultimately the reason I react that way, is simply because I want the best for that person. I may not know what the best is and I don't claim to know it but believe that no matter what I want the best. No, this blog is not about how much I care but rather how my caring can often times be taken advantaged of and not necessarily in the way you think. We all live busy lives. No matter what you do, you are busy. Yes you may be a lazy bum and do absolutely nothing all day but that makes u busy doing nothing. Either way, how you spend your time is completely up to you and quite frankly I am not here to judge how you spend every second of your day but what annoys me is if I take time out of my busy life, whether its 5 seconds, 5 minutes or 5 days to reach out to you to find out how you are fairing, how I can make your life easier or just to let you know all is well I do expect you to take time out to respond. I am not expecting you to respond back to check on me too. All I need is an acknowledgement of the message. Yes I took it upon myself to reach out. You didn't ask me to and I take full responsibility of that, but there is something known as respect and courtesy and sometimes it trumps everything else. Even a response back to say "leave me alone" will suffice. Yes, it will sting for a bit but I can go to bed knowing that you are alive and that I at least made an effort regardless of whether you appreciate it or not. Mind you I am not expecting an instant reply, after all you are busy and you may not have the time to get to me but days should not go by without a response. We live in an age where communicating with each other is too easy. It takes seconds for a message to be sent across the world and seconds for it to come back. Often times we don't even have time to even edit the message before its sent out for the world to see. We are able to retrieve information that does not even belong to us and share it with others with a click of a button. Someone goes missing and within seconds the message is spread across miles to get the world out. So tell me, in an age where we can easily communicate with others whether it be by email, text, phone call, video chat, voice note, instant messenger or social media, who has an excuse not to respond. Maybe your lack of response is sending a message and the recipient should get the message but I am by the mindset that if someone had reached out you should at least respond back. Granted some messages don't warrant responses and that's fair but I believe if someone is showing concern and they are reaching out you owe it to them to respond back. I know my first blog in a long time is a negative one but this issue has annoyed me for a couple of weeks now and I just had to get it out. If you disagree let me know but I really believe its fair to put anyone through that no matter how annoying they are.

I just aint got it like that

I typically don't like to blog about race. My reason for not blogging about it often is because I can only get one side of the story...typically mine. Mind you unlike those who came before me, I haven't had major negative issues with my race. I mean yeah I would be lying if I said I haven't dealt with racism or discrimination of some sort, but nothing like the civil rights era... I've been fortunate. I could give you a long list of why I possibly haven't faced major racism but this is not the point of this blog. The reason why I am bringing up race right now is not to share something I personally went through because of my race but rather why sometimes decisions that are made have to be made with my skin colour in mind. I am sure for all you avid reality tv watchers especially for those of you in the US who have a found liking for ratchet reality shows(myself included), the major story last week was Mimi Faust from Love and Hip hop(for those of you who don't know Mimi, google shower rod or love and hip hop and you will get an idea of what I am talking about) heard about her sex tape.Frankly I would call it a porno (yes I saw the clip) but Tomato-Tomato. Funny thing though, hardly do we make reference to Nikko when talking about this tape. (Nikko is her boyfriend she shot the tape with) All meme's that have been created, all twitter tweets, or facebook posts, or media stories always refer to Mimi and hardly is Nikko mentioned. Mind you, outside all the jokes that are made about her ability to hang from a shower rod without it falling down, everyone is either appalled by her or laughing at her. No one is applauding her for her courage to put such a private moment out to the public to view. No one is giving her a high five for her ability to swing from a shower rod, No one is applauding her for being sexually liberated enough to share her private moment with everyone. In fact everyone is appalled by her, disgusted, upset that a 45 year old woman with a 4 year old daughter is willing to put her business out in public for money. Unfortunately when it comes to sex tapes, black women we don't have the same luck as our non black counter sisters have in that respect. Now, now, before everyone jumps on me and references Kim Kardashian let me point out the difference. Kim Kardashian became well known and famous after her sex tape was released. Kim Kardashian also had Ray J to take some of the heat when her tape was released. Kim Kardashian was able to sign up for a reality show, open a fashion store and become very rich after her tape was released. Kim Kardashian became a sex symbol and ultimately desired by a lot of men after her tape was released. Kim became Kim Kardashian after her tape was released. The point I am making here is, black women don't have that same luck when we "shame ourselves" in public. Our already tainted imagine is even more tainted when we put ourselves in compromising positions ( no pun intended) that leave people to categorize us as the stereotypical angry, no class, aggressive over-sexualized woman. What I am saying is nothing different from what I have heard this past week since the tape was released. I have heard Steve Harvey say it time and time again on his radio show how black women don't have the option to show an unpleasant side of us in public, I am sure Wendy Williams has had her say and I am sure there are some scholarly educators sharing the same sentiments. Now this is a personal opinion of mine what I am about to say and anyone who disagrees with me, please share your thoughts but on the totem pole black women are at the bottom. I am not going to go ahead and point out who comes after us and who is on top because there is no need and quite frankly I am not sure but most definitely we are at the bottom. It takes a lot for anyone to look at us as potentially being anywhere else but at the bottom. I am sure for a lot of you black women, you have heard this before" You are not like the rest" "You are my only black female friend" "You changed my mind about black women" I know I have heard this a few times myself and the minute I show any type of emotion that's outside of my calm sweet self then its "Ohhh she gets black when she is upset" I am not kidding you I have heard that before. The fact is it takes a lot for black women to be seen as anything but angry, aggressive or ghetto. It takes a lot for men to approach us and hope we don't become the stereotypical black woman when things go wrong...Black men included. It takes a lot for anyone to believe that we are calm, classy and well respected when all they see on tv is black women fighting like animals o, jumping tables, messing around with many men, have kids by different men, more concerned about their hair and clothes than they are about opening a book. Mind you, our non black sisters can do exactly the same thing and no matter what they do not have the same labels thrown at them. How many of you can recall any instant on reality where a non black woman was overly aggressive, fighting or acting crazy and is still spoken about today? If you know anyone please remind me because I cant remember a single one...even if I remember the situation I cant remember their name. However I can tell you which season when Evelyn Lozada got into a fight with Tammy Roman and called her a non mother fucking factor, or when Evelyn jumped over a table to beat up one of the other girls, of when Sheree fought Kim. Now you see my point? I recently heard Steve Harvey's nephew complain on the radio that his son came up to him one day and said "Dad I dont think I want to be with a black woman" Tommy a man who loves his black woman was upset but after his son broke it down to him as to why he didn't want to be with a black woman he understood. His son pretty much assumed that black women are loud, ghetto, fight a lot, are aggressive etc. So for him not wanting to deal with any one like that he has ultimately ruled all black women out because he assumes we are all like that. I am sure there are some black men out there who come from good homes, with well respecting black mothers who probably feel the same way because all they see now are black women who behave differently from how their mothers were raised. I once had a black guy tell me, " I am different from the rest" Yes a compliment if you want to call it that but at the same time extremely sad that one of my own would think I am different from the rest and ultimately assumed that all black women were the same. What I am saying here is, black women we have to do better. Now I am not saying we cant be upset or we cant express ourselves how we want to but at the same time, we need to be careful how and when we show this type of behavior. Quite frankly I don't think anyone, male or female, black or white should behave in any manner that makes you less than you are. I think that as much as we find these shows entertaining and it gives us something to talk about for weeks to come, we shouldn't be encouraging such behavior at all. We as black women should rise up and do better. Now I know a lot of it is to gain ratings but at what cost? Its time we really re-evaluate how we conduct ourselves in general and know that no matter what we do or say, we will always be judged for it. We just aint got it like that.

4 fingers pointing at me

I am going to admit something I have not admitted out loud before. Something that I sometimes still don't like to admit to myself but I am going to do it now. I am fairly insecure. There I have said it. The reason I admitting this is because something happened today to someone else that forced me to have to look at myself and realize that I do have some insecurities and understand how insecurities really affect how people deal with you and look at you. Before I get deep into this topic let me tell you why I am insecure. I have been insecure because my weight has always been my problem. Yes I have lost a lot of weight lately but prior to that, I always felt my weight was holding me back. Preventing me from being noticed...at least in the way I was hoping, it prevented me from loving who I was and it prevented me from seeing my beauty, both physical and inner beauty. I have been insecure because school didn't always come easy for me. I never thought I was smart enough to compete with the best, or to be considered smart nor did I think I had the ability to excel. I have been insecure because I always assumed you had to be a certain shade of skin colour, have a certain body, a type of hair texture, eye colour or even a certain number of friends, work in certain occupations or drive certain cars to be secure. I never thought being me was enough and for that reason I was insecure. Being insecure also meant that I constantly will find the flaws in others and point it out either to others or to myself to feel accepted. I felt that if I recognized other peoples flaws it made them less perfect and therefore not as amazing as they seem to think they are. It is also meant that I could easily blame others for my "misfortune" in love and sometimes my professional career because others were not open enough to seeing the little parts of me I actually thought was okay. Finally it helped me justify my anger towards everything that was great and awesome because it just meant that life sucked and I was the recipient of all that wasn't fair. My insecurities also helped me to stay hidden, allowed me to not approach someone I really wanted to get to know, whether of the opposite sex or the same sex because I automatically assumed that my flaws were written all over my face and once they got to know me, they will hate what they see. No matter how often someone will compliment me on my physical and inner beauty, I also made sure to point out to them why I really wasn't deserving of the compliment. "You've lost weight" often was responded to by saying "but my belly is still big" or " I am wearing black so its hidden" "You're smart" often meant "I heard it from someone else" I could never accept how great I was and when I got passed over for a job that I really wanted or by a man I was desiring always meant that employers were not open enough to me because of my name or my race or the other girl who did get the attention of the guy I wanted was either "lose or easy" or "too aggressive and desperate". It was quite sad. So what did I do? I pointed fingers at everything and everyone that wasn't working for my confidence because I felt that the circumstances around me were to blame for everything that wasn't perfect in my life. What I failed to realize was the fact that 4 fingers were pointing at me and that until I changed the way I felt, thought or viewed myself I will always feel the world was turned against me. The incident that happened today with someone else really made me revaluate how I portray myself. What I failed to realize is that everything I thought, said, or felt about myself was self inflicted. My insecurities made me feel less of who I was. It was my security blanket that protected me from having to admit to myself that I was insecure and I needed to change. What I failed to realize is that no one really saw me the way I saw myself and that my own feelings about myself was pushing away the people who possibly wanted to get close or that sometimes certain things are just not meant for you to have. Nothing to do with who I was or what I do. My solution to my problem is realizing my worth, Working on how I portray myself. Loving myself, realizing that not every rejection, or disappointment has anything to do with me. Sometimes it just means the timing is wrong, or the guy I thought I wanted, really isn't who I thought he was, or he doesn't feel worthy enough to be with me. Sometimes it means I have to take the first step, make the first move, Or just go into a situation and enjoy the process instead of finding everything that is wrong with me or with the situation. Most importantly realizing when I am the problem instead of pointing fingers at everyone else. Its really hard when you are insecure about yourself to turn things around. But I find the best thing is to start focusing on your strengths and your beauty and show that to the world. It also means that sometimes you have to realize that what you are thinking about yourself is not what others are thinking about you. No matter what, when someone sees the beauty of you, its really hard to show them what you aren't. Also it means not taking situations and sometimes people too seriously but most importantly not being so hard on myself. Allowing myself to have flaws and understanding that my flaws make me human but at the same time they make me real. Knowing that finding fault in others just to feel better about myself is not the solution because the minute they show you their greatness you are back to feeling less of yourself. Understanding that not everything will work out the way you expect it to be but learning from the situation and moving on from them. Most importantly noticing that when you point a finger at someone, there are 4 pointing right back at you. No one is perfect and we are not meant to be perfect but even with our imperfection there is beauty and until you focus on your beauty and letting that work for you, nothing anyone can say or do will change your thought process. Also taking responsibility for things that may be going wrong in your life. Saying you are too fat, not pretty enough, not smart enough or not worthy enough only makes you feel worse about yourself. So yes I was fairly insecure but the minute I started to look at myself differently I started to see the beauty that is me and now I am ready to share with the world the true me.

Gym Rat

For those of you who follow me on facebook you already knew this was coming because my earlier status did mention I would be blogging about this top so here you have it. If you've known me, working out was one of those things I considered a chore. I went because it seemed like the logical thing to do. I had very little dedication to the gym. I can recall my first year in University, a friend of I decided to hit up the gym because well...that's what you do when you are in college right? Right after we left the gym(mind you probably the weakest workout we ever did) we headed to the cafeteria and had the worst of everything. I think I probably didn't work out again till my second year and possibly once or twice more in my third and fourth year. By the time I graduated from University I was the heaviest I have ever been. I probably shouldn't say this out loud but I am ashamed to say at one point I was a bit over 200lbs. In my mind I didn't see that I was that big, because to me being big was being obese and I didn't think I was. Plus I think I am one of those who carries weight well. Even after I lost a ton of weight I know I still shocked people with how much I weighed because they always thought I weighed less because I didn't look it but I was big. Finally after university I moved away to the States and that's when I started to take my weight a bit more seriously. No where near where I am today but enough to actually start doing something. I did go to the gym quite frequently, My eating definitely needed more work but the pounds started dropping. I wasn't in love with working out, not even close to loving it but I did it because I felt like I had to. Plus I had a few motivating factors that kept me going but really not enough to have me change my life completely. It took a few years, and a lot of education and AMAZING supportive individuals in my life to really get me to this place. Its amazing how the right people, support and education can really change your life around. Now going to the gym is my passion. I love it, I love the sourness I feel after a good work out, I love how when eating clean makes me feel and the most important thing its still yummy, I love when people see me, it shocks them that the girl who could barely walk across the gym floor is now lifting heavy with very little effort and today was the major turning point for me when a new friend I met over the weekend who happens to go to my gym asked me to work out with her and she was relying on me to show her what to do. She thoroughly enjoyed the work out we had and felt I helped her learn a lot. Its amazing that the girl who hated working out is now helping others work out. For me this just proves that once you start to love what you do, you can do amazing things. You just have to want it bad enough. Most importantly you have to believe that you can do it. Sometimes having the right people in your corner, the right tools and the right amount of dedication you can do it. Trust me, if I can do it, you definitely can do it!

Prude or High Moral Standing?

Happy New Year! I know I haven't blogged much and I apologize. Life has just been a bit crazy and so blogging hasn't been a priority. Anyway, I do have a lot on my mind so my blogs may be a bit more frequent but let me get to it. I went out last night for the first time in a long time. Okay let me rephrase that, yesterday was the first time I went out to a lounge in a very long time. I've lost interest in night life. You know the standing in line, wearing heels, elbowing people just so you can actually stand up because the place is packed. Not appealing but yesterday for a friends birthday she wanted us to go out so we went out. Surprisingly I did have a good time, the crowd was mature, pretty good looking people, music was great, so no major complaints. Yes it was packed and I stood in line but all in all I had a good time. Anyway, I had a guy bump into me and he apologized, I said its fine, he then said what if I hit into you intentionally would that be okay, I was like yes that's fine(he was cute...he is excused) and then he walks away goes up to my friend and tells her, "Your friend is shy" what?????? I was busy dancing minding my business you ask me a question and I answer you, no attitude, nothing yet I am shy? Anyway, next another guy comes, and he starts dancing with me. Normally I am a bit anti social when it comes to dancing with people but I take dancing lessons for salsa and Kizomba so dancing with randoms has become second nature to me. Plus I have learnt that sometimes a guy asking to dance is just because he wants to dance, nothing special. So I agreed. Dude started getting a bit to inappropriate, I tried to brush it off but he kept going at it, next he says lets go upstairs....WHAT??????? I said no, next he says let me kiss you on the cheek, I said no, he said its just a kiss on the cheek I said no, next thing he grabs my face and tries to kiss me on the cheek. Hmmmmm???????? Sexual harassment?? Anyway finally he gets a hint and walks away. Okay so my question here is, prude or moral standing? Are there girls who actually feed into this approach by guys? Will actually walk away with a guy they have never met, and go hang out with them in a club of half drunken people to do who knows what?????? Am I old fashioned and still believe that you should at least learn the guys last name before you go off anywhere private with the guy you've never met? Or is it totally okay to run off with a guy you've never met? Some may call me shy, or a prude but I just think that to be taken seriously by anyone and to be respected there are limits to who you interact with people of the opposite sex when you first meet them. Personally casual relations do not appeal to me, I just don't think I should give myself to anyone who is not committed to me. Of course we all have our weak moments and may do things we normally wouldn't do but is this an everyday occurrence? Absolutely not? Should it be? Its totally up to the individual but for me, its not. I just think a man who is interested in getting to know me would be a bit more respectful with his approach and most importantly would respect me when I say no! Yes I had a fun night and yes its nice to know that someone finds you attractive especially in this very challenging city where I find meeting someone its almost impossible but do I have to become someone I am not just because someone gives me a second glance or do I stick to who I am and hope and pray someone recognizes my worth and will approach me correctly. Again my question to you is? Am I a prude or do I have high moral standing and is that a good or bad thing? I look forward to your responses.

Content

When you walk into my bedroom the first thing you see is this huge poster on my wall that I made. I call it my vision board. Unlike the traditional vision board that has a bunch of pictures on them that people visualize what they want in their life, their goals, dreams and aspirations, mine are words. My goals I wish to accomplish. Some of my goals are materialistic, physical goals, others are more emotional and spiritual. I have it on top of my bed as my way of constantly reminding myself of what I have to do to get my goals achieved. The other day, I walked in and looked at my board and I immediately felt sad. Sad because I realized that the year has almost ended and I don't think I have achieved a single goal. I don't think my goals were unrealistic, or hard to achieve but for some reason, nothing worked out as I had planned. A lot of uncertainty came my way as well as unforeseen plans that were not escapable so I really couldn't go ahead with a lot of what I had hoped to achieve but it still left me sad. Sad because I felt my life was moving along but I wasn't moving along with it. Each day passes and I realize I am getting older so less time to really get it all done, but as I scrolled down my list, I came across one of my goals and it immediately had me feeling more at peace with where I am at. The goal I had put up was " be content with what you have." Often times, we look around us, to the people nearest us, to famous people, leaders, and sometimes family and we often compare ourselves with them. Sometimes we feel less adequate than them and other times we feel superior. No matter how hard we deny these feelings we cant help it. We are human. You may feel happiness, joy and pride to watch those around you succeed but that deep gut feeling within you always says "why not me?" other times we are like thank God its not me but we are made this way, to compare ourselves with others. Yes we may say, you don't know the persons story, or don't compare everyones journey is different but we cant help it. Our the fabric of what we are made of doesn't allow us to be truly happy with what we have. I know that's one area I constantly struggle with. Yes I am fueled by other peoples achievements, their successes, their out come, but at the same time, I wonder when my time will come, where people will look at me and say " I want too be her when I grow up" What I am realizing though is, there is soo much in my life I should be proud of. I may not be where I want to be but I am where I need to be and I am still moving. As much as I complain and I cry and whine and wish and pray for me, I have so much already.So yes I have a long list of things I wish to achieve, of things I hope one day I can say I did this. But until then I m going to keep pushing and pressing and not give up but while am doing it, realize how far I have come. A common saying I am seeing more now due to all the fitness pages I follow on instagram is this " Even the greatest failure is better than nothing because it means you tried" So although I am not where I want to be, or have what I want, I am trying and that's all that matters.