4 fingers pointing at me

I am going to admit something I have not admitted out loud before. Something that I sometimes still don't like to admit to myself but I am going to do it now. I am fairly insecure. There I have said it. The reason I admitting this is because something happened today to someone else that forced me to have to look at myself and realize that I do have some insecurities and understand how insecurities really affect how people deal with you and look at you. Before I get deep into this topic let me tell you why I am insecure. I have been insecure because my weight has always been my problem. Yes I have lost a lot of weight lately but prior to that, I always felt my weight was holding me back. Preventing me from being noticed...at least in the way I was hoping, it prevented me from loving who I was and it prevented me from seeing my beauty, both physical and inner beauty. I have been insecure because school didn't always come easy for me. I never thought I was smart enough to compete with the best, or to be considered smart nor did I think I had the ability to excel. I have been insecure because I always assumed you had to be a certain shade of skin colour, have a certain body, a type of hair texture, eye colour or even a certain number of friends, work in certain occupations or drive certain cars to be secure. I never thought being me was enough and for that reason I was insecure. Being insecure also meant that I constantly will find the flaws in others and point it out either to others or to myself to feel accepted. I felt that if I recognized other peoples flaws it made them less perfect and therefore not as amazing as they seem to think they are. It is also meant that I could easily blame others for my "misfortune" in love and sometimes my professional career because others were not open enough to seeing the little parts of me I actually thought was okay. Finally it helped me justify my anger towards everything that was great and awesome because it just meant that life sucked and I was the recipient of all that wasn't fair. My insecurities also helped me to stay hidden, allowed me to not approach someone I really wanted to get to know, whether of the opposite sex or the same sex because I automatically assumed that my flaws were written all over my face and once they got to know me, they will hate what they see. No matter how often someone will compliment me on my physical and inner beauty, I also made sure to point out to them why I really wasn't deserving of the compliment. "You've lost weight" often was responded to by saying "but my belly is still big" or " I am wearing black so its hidden" "You're smart" often meant "I heard it from someone else" I could never accept how great I was and when I got passed over for a job that I really wanted or by a man I was desiring always meant that employers were not open enough to me because of my name or my race or the other girl who did get the attention of the guy I wanted was either "lose or easy" or "too aggressive and desperate". It was quite sad. So what did I do? I pointed fingers at everything and everyone that wasn't working for my confidence because I felt that the circumstances around me were to blame for everything that wasn't perfect in my life. What I failed to realize was the fact that 4 fingers were pointing at me and that until I changed the way I felt, thought or viewed myself I will always feel the world was turned against me. The incident that happened today with someone else really made me revaluate how I portray myself. What I failed to realize is that everything I thought, said, or felt about myself was self inflicted. My insecurities made me feel less of who I was. It was my security blanket that protected me from having to admit to myself that I was insecure and I needed to change. What I failed to realize is that no one really saw me the way I saw myself and that my own feelings about myself was pushing away the people who possibly wanted to get close or that sometimes certain things are just not meant for you to have. Nothing to do with who I was or what I do. My solution to my problem is realizing my worth, Working on how I portray myself. Loving myself, realizing that not every rejection, or disappointment has anything to do with me. Sometimes it just means the timing is wrong, or the guy I thought I wanted, really isn't who I thought he was, or he doesn't feel worthy enough to be with me. Sometimes it means I have to take the first step, make the first move, Or just go into a situation and enjoy the process instead of finding everything that is wrong with me or with the situation. Most importantly realizing when I am the problem instead of pointing fingers at everyone else. Its really hard when you are insecure about yourself to turn things around. But I find the best thing is to start focusing on your strengths and your beauty and show that to the world. It also means that sometimes you have to realize that what you are thinking about yourself is not what others are thinking about you. No matter what, when someone sees the beauty of you, its really hard to show them what you aren't. Also it means not taking situations and sometimes people too seriously but most importantly not being so hard on myself. Allowing myself to have flaws and understanding that my flaws make me human but at the same time they make me real. Knowing that finding fault in others just to feel better about myself is not the solution because the minute they show you their greatness you are back to feeling less of yourself. Understanding that not everything will work out the way you expect it to be but learning from the situation and moving on from them. Most importantly noticing that when you point a finger at someone, there are 4 pointing right back at you. No one is perfect and we are not meant to be perfect but even with our imperfection there is beauty and until you focus on your beauty and letting that work for you, nothing anyone can say or do will change your thought process. Also taking responsibility for things that may be going wrong in your life. Saying you are too fat, not pretty enough, not smart enough or not worthy enough only makes you feel worse about yourself. So yes I was fairly insecure but the minute I started to look at myself differently I started to see the beauty that is me and now I am ready to share with the world the true me.