Its all about me

Let me share something about me with you, I am a people pleaser. Yes I am. I don't kiss ass....I am too sarcastic to do that but I am a people pleaser. I don't please people because I like to see people happy or it brings me much joy but I please people because I want people to consider me a good person. That's my truth. Call me fake, say I am trying too hard or I just don't care but truth is this is who I am. I am not saying I don't like to see people happy or that it doesn't bring me joy, but I am also saying I do it because I want to be seen as a good person in people's eyes. Its a selfish trait, I will admit that, but its also a very difficult, close to impossible goal and at times brings me more misery than pleasure. Why do I want people to consider me a good person? Maybe because I am not secure enough in myself that I feel I need to make sure everyone likes me or its my personality trait... My doctor did clue me in that it is a personality trait and its just the way I am. Not to say that I am like this in all situations and that that I cant turn it off when and if necessary but lets just say this is my default mode. However what I am also beginning to realize is, pleasing people is actually not very fun. Its not as fulfilling as you would think it would be. Half the time, the people you try to please take advantage of your "kindness" and in some instances no matter how hard you try, some people will never be happy with how much of yourself you give. The past few weeks have been rough for me. Primarily because I felt it was necessary that I please people around me so that I can be considered good and hard working and necessary. I was running myself to the ground and most importantly I was unhappy. I felt if I didn't put in all my time and I didn't break my back I will lose my worth, I wouldn't be needed and I could ruin it for everyone. However the results of that were I was hurting those around me, I was constantly upset, I couldn't open my mouth without complaining or crying, I wasn't sleeping at night, I was having nightmares, My weight was dropping(not that I am complaining about that) and I was starting to feel physically and mentally sick. Someone actually suggested I get professional help to help me deal with all of this. One day after a particularly trying day, I had a long talk with my cousin and after that a talk with my friends and my doctor and they all told me the same thing. Set boundaries. Nothing you do, or nothing you say can guarantee the outcome... pretty much, dammed if you do or damned if you don't so if that's the case why kill yourself? Just know that you put in your all for the duration of the time and then walk away knowing you have done it all. At first when they made that suggestion the first thing that crossed my mind was are you crazy? Put it all on the line j for what? to be told goodbye tomorrow? But then after much thought I realized that its true. I am killing myself for something that I cant guarantee the outcome. Chances are I am stressing over something that I really shouldn't be stressed about. I am trying soo hard to please people that haven't necessarily asked me to do so. They just expect my best and as long as I do my best there is really nothing they can complain about. Funny thing I decided to put their suggestions to work and it worked. I set boundaries, I did what I could and walked away knowing I put in my all and so far no one has complained, no one has expected me to put out more than I could and they have been okay when I say, No. I think No is one of the hardest things I have learnt how to say. No means you are telling something you cant be who they want you to be. You cant help them get to where they want to be. However No does not mean you are not who you are supposed to be, it means that you are not sacrificing your best to be mediocre, It means that you are letting them know that sometimes being the best person you can be is being able to walk out of a situation knowing you cant do I all. So what I have learnt is, I may never really change, I will always be a people pleaser to some extent but what I am do know is, I need to put myself first. Learn to say no, Know that no matter what I decide, I am not risking anyones life or its not going to change the way people view me. I will always be me and most importantly I cant please everyone. So as long as I am happy, I am doing whats right in the eyes of God and I am not physically harming anyone. I will put myself first when necessary...Yes its all about me.

Shy guy

No, My blog is not a tribute to my 13th birthday party where "Shy Guy" by Diana King was the theme, To those who remember that epic birthday party I see you. LOL. However, this is about the shy men in Toronto...or at least I hope they are. Incase you don't know, I am learning to Salsa...well I guess I cant say I am learning anymore since I am now a level 5 salsa dancer and I have one more level before I can consider myself an intermediate to advance dancer but I love to Salsa... I also just fell in love with Kizomba tonight but I digress, anyways the best way to master any skill is to practice and unfortunately due to my busy schedule and laziness, I don't practice much. Tonight, however I decided I was going to join my fellow "classmates' and "school mates" and go to one of the socials that is organized by the school every other Friday so I can practice my skills. I convinced one of my girlfriends to go with me and we set out. Upon arrival, we spent an hour taking lessons on Kizomba and fortunately an older guy was kind enough to ask me to be his partner. Once the lesson ended they dimmed the lights and now it was time for everyone to dance the night away. My friend and I headed to our seats with the hope of having someone approach us and dance. And there we sat, and sat and sat for 2 hours when we finally decided to call it a night and go home. I must say I was disappointed because the whole point of me going to the social was to find someone to dance with and practice my skills. Now most of you don't know, Salsa is not fun when you don't have a partner. You need a partner to definitely put down the moves.. so to even suggest that I dance alone would be ridiculous. Now, maybe my mistake was heading to my seat instead of socializing a bit and yes I admit I could have tried a bit however my frustrations are with the men. I lived in the DMV for 3 years(DC Maryland and Virginia) and I never had the problem of men not approaching me. There were times where I felt I should wear a sign that said leave me alone because at times I almost felt harassed. I can recall several instances where I felt so overwhelmed with all the men approaching me in one moment I actually felt I was going to have a panic attack(I am not even exaggerating and quite frankly I those times were when my self esteem was shit and quite frankly I probably wasn't as attractive as I am now, So to be in a better state of mind, open minded, confident (to some extent) and more attractive and I still don't get approached to dance I have to wonder what is wrong with the men in this city. There was one instance this evening where a beautiful older woman approached these two men sitting next to me to dance. For a woman of her age she was very well put together and very attractive. I couldn't imagine any man, young or old looking at her and not wanting to dance with her. She approached these two men and one turned her down almost immediately, after much coaxing she managed to get the other guy to dance with her. My friend was livid!!! She almost got out of her seat to ream the guy out for not dancing with the woman...She finally concluded that the man was gay because there was no reason he had to turn her down. All she kept saying was these men in this city there is something very wrong with them. So to my men in Toronto, explain to me, why don't you approach women? What are your fears? Are we not friendly enough, are you too full of our self to approach a woman or are you truly a shy guy? Often times I hear from those who dabble in online dating complain that most of the men they meet online who claim to be confident and appear to be "rico suarvez" are often times the exact opposite of who they claim to be when they do meet....if they do meet. So Please explain to me what the problem is so we can find a happy medium because I don't want to go out and not have a dance partner anymore. Shy guy please come out of your shell.

Trying to get back to me.

I've had a rough few weeks. Rough is probably an understatement but I just to not worry anyone I'll leave at rough. I like to consider myself a pretty strong and resilient person. I work hard, I don't take things for granted and I try my very best to do my very best at whatever I do. I usually can take on a lot and I like to think I don't sign up for anything I cant handle or complete successfully but of late I have been drowning. Drowning and barely gasping for air. there are moments where I have felt that I should just let go and allow myself to sink but the over achiever, resilient, hating to disappoint nature keeps trying my hardest to push myself back up. But really when do let go and admit my defeat and just sink? However if there is something I have learnt about myself is the fact that as much as I hate to disappoint others, I hate to disappoint myself. I hate waking up knowing that had I stuck it through just a little bit longer, I could have survived it. I would have made it. Yes there has been a lot tears, a lot of sweat, and a lot blood and sometimes I have lost my mind...probably more so than others... I haven't performed to the best of my abilities and I have let a lot of things go by the way side because I just couldn't keep up. I have been mean, I have been abusive, and I have been upset. The people around me are scared and worried about me and some are even scared to approach me. I have turned into a bitch to put it lightly(yes bitch is actually lighter than what I actually have become) and I have often heard, just deal with it, suck it up...it could be worse, people are going through worse, it cant be that bad. Just let the drama go and don't let it consume you. Yes if it was that simple I would be it isn't. A friend of mine actually pointed out to me today that she has seen me go through some pretty tough situations but I went through it without flinching so to go through this and struggle she actually understand how frustrated I am. I know it will be over, I know it wont last for ever and I know I have to keep pushing and I know my blog right now seems all over the place because unfortunately I cannot go into great detail what I am going through...at least not through such a public forum...maybe one day when things change and I am no longer in this situation but just believe me its been rough and its been difficult and sometimes giving up is all I want to do but deep down inside I know I cant. So the point of this blog is, yes its easy for people to point out how bad others have it, and that you should be grateful your life is not as bad and that through all things give thanks and I agree but I also believe that just because your life is not as bad as others doesn't mean that what you are going through isn't rough and it isn't difficult and that this isn't your worse. I think at the end of the day, only you know how much you can take and only you know what you are going through but it doesn't mean it wont be over and it doesn't mean you wont get through it, So whatever you need to do to deal with it, go ahead and deal with it. I know my therapy, is talking, working out and talking about it and sometimes I talk to anyone who will listen because I just need to get it out and I know it may drive others crazy hearing me go on and on about the same situation but its also my way of dealing with what I am going through to keep my sanity. I have also learned that I am not going to give up what helps me to keep going and so if it means I have to walk away from whatever I am doing to just get my mind back in check then so be it. I will not compromise it. So hopefully one day I can go back to being me, to being happy, and joyful and my old self but until then I am just hoping I can keep going and keep doing my best and just praying that things will change I apologize for such a messy blog... in the true sense of blogging I am doing exactly that, just throwing out whatever comes to my mind...no structure nothing.

To the Chris Powells of the World

For those of you who haven't really interacted with me in awhile, my newest passion and addiction is health and fitness. Some can consider it a phrase, others may say its just till I get to my goal weight but those who know me, know that this is my life and I have no plans on letting go of this life style. Its addictive, its necessary and I love it. Some times I wonder why I never clued into this life style sooner. Another thing I love, is watching weight loss shows. They are extremely motivating and encouraging and its amazing to see people who were worse off than me lose all the weight naturally through diet and exercise and keep it off for life. It tells me that there is nothing I am not capable of doing as long as I put in the work and dedication and my own personal transformation tells me exactly that. However I am not writing this blog to share why I love fitness and healthy living but rather this blog is about the people who have helped me along the way. As I type tis blog I am watching extreme weight loss which chronicles the contestants weight loss journey over the course of the year and their trainer Chris Powell who is with them every step of the way. Chris is not the typical trainer who shows you which workouts you need to do, or writes out a nutrition plan. Chris becomes your friend, your brother, your biggest cheerleader and he holds your hand as you cry, as you go through your highs and lows and he supports you through it all. He no longer sees you as a client but as a friend who genuinely cares about your well being, often times more than your own family and friends and each of his contestants so far have managed to lose the weight successfully and changed their life, emotionally, spiritually and most importantly physically. Chris is the type of person every one must have in their corner in life to become the best person you want to be. Through my own journey, I had some struggles, struggles I continue to face, but sometimes the biggest struggle came from those around me. Those who were concerned, I would look less attractive if I lost too much weight, those who thought I could become anorexic if I continued along the path I was on. Those who felt I was getting too small and I was starting to look weird, or concerned that I would lose my soft features if I worked out too long and too hard and yes its discouraging and upsetting especially since I felt I had been criticized about my weight my whole life and how I was constantly judged because I wasn't small enough, so to finally be in a position where I am finally getting to that point and to still hear those criticism its disheartening and discouraging. However, at the same time, I've had the Chris Powell's in my life, the people who have stood by me through it all. Who push me even when I thought I couldn't push myself. Those who have had only positive things to say and encouraging things to say even when I didn't think I was worthy of it. I remember having a convo with my Dr. once about being a black woman and having to stay somewhat a certain size because I didn't want to lose my "black body" or I wasn't capable of losing all the weight I want because I am just not built this way and he simply told me that, who said you cant? At that moment, I knew that all I was doing was making excuses to not push myself to be where I could be. I've had the support group who would change their diet options around me just so they didn't tempt me from going off track, those who worked out with me, or would tell me the consequences of eating poorly and discourage me from buying that donut or eating that slice of cake. My dear friend who is more than willing to take part in any physical activity idea I come up with, whether its taking Krav Maga with me, or encouraging me to buy groupon deals to take yoga classes, or signed up for kickboxing boot camp with me just to keep me motivated. Or my girlfriends who run 5k's with me or will suggest healthy food places for us to eat, Those who constantly send me healthy recipes that I can try. Even those who may not join me in my activities but are on the sidelines cheering me on and constantly reminding me of my progress when I think I haven't gone far. Even my family who may tempt me here and there but always makes sure they get enough of what I need to succeed. All these people have helped me through this journey and even when I want to give up and I just want to say fuck it all, They pick me up and run along side me to make sure I keep going. All I want to say is, Weight loss is not easy, working out can be challenging and being healthy at times can be draining but when you have the right people in your corner, the people who genuinely care about your well being and will do everything they possibly and physically can to make you keep going, you realize that nothing is impossible. We all need to be like Chris Powell and cheer each other on when they are going through their transformation. You never know who's life you may be saving. Thank you to all my Chris Powell's I couldn't do this without you cheering me on.