4 fingers pointing at me

I am going to admit something I have not admitted out loud before. Something that I sometimes still don't like to admit to myself but I am going to do it now. I am fairly insecure. There I have said it. The reason I admitting this is because something happened today to someone else that forced me to have to look at myself and realize that I do have some insecurities and understand how insecurities really affect how people deal with you and look at you. Before I get deep into this topic let me tell you why I am insecure. I have been insecure because my weight has always been my problem. Yes I have lost a lot of weight lately but prior to that, I always felt my weight was holding me back. Preventing me from being noticed...at least in the way I was hoping, it prevented me from loving who I was and it prevented me from seeing my beauty, both physical and inner beauty. I have been insecure because school didn't always come easy for me. I never thought I was smart enough to compete with the best, or to be considered smart nor did I think I had the ability to excel. I have been insecure because I always assumed you had to be a certain shade of skin colour, have a certain body, a type of hair texture, eye colour or even a certain number of friends, work in certain occupations or drive certain cars to be secure. I never thought being me was enough and for that reason I was insecure. Being insecure also meant that I constantly will find the flaws in others and point it out either to others or to myself to feel accepted. I felt that if I recognized other peoples flaws it made them less perfect and therefore not as amazing as they seem to think they are. It is also meant that I could easily blame others for my "misfortune" in love and sometimes my professional career because others were not open enough to seeing the little parts of me I actually thought was okay. Finally it helped me justify my anger towards everything that was great and awesome because it just meant that life sucked and I was the recipient of all that wasn't fair. My insecurities also helped me to stay hidden, allowed me to not approach someone I really wanted to get to know, whether of the opposite sex or the same sex because I automatically assumed that my flaws were written all over my face and once they got to know me, they will hate what they see. No matter how often someone will compliment me on my physical and inner beauty, I also made sure to point out to them why I really wasn't deserving of the compliment. "You've lost weight" often was responded to by saying "but my belly is still big" or " I am wearing black so its hidden" "You're smart" often meant "I heard it from someone else" I could never accept how great I was and when I got passed over for a job that I really wanted or by a man I was desiring always meant that employers were not open enough to me because of my name or my race or the other girl who did get the attention of the guy I wanted was either "lose or easy" or "too aggressive and desperate". It was quite sad. So what did I do? I pointed fingers at everything and everyone that wasn't working for my confidence because I felt that the circumstances around me were to blame for everything that wasn't perfect in my life. What I failed to realize was the fact that 4 fingers were pointing at me and that until I changed the way I felt, thought or viewed myself I will always feel the world was turned against me. The incident that happened today with someone else really made me revaluate how I portray myself. What I failed to realize is that everything I thought, said, or felt about myself was self inflicted. My insecurities made me feel less of who I was. It was my security blanket that protected me from having to admit to myself that I was insecure and I needed to change. What I failed to realize is that no one really saw me the way I saw myself and that my own feelings about myself was pushing away the people who possibly wanted to get close or that sometimes certain things are just not meant for you to have. Nothing to do with who I was or what I do. My solution to my problem is realizing my worth, Working on how I portray myself. Loving myself, realizing that not every rejection, or disappointment has anything to do with me. Sometimes it just means the timing is wrong, or the guy I thought I wanted, really isn't who I thought he was, or he doesn't feel worthy enough to be with me. Sometimes it means I have to take the first step, make the first move, Or just go into a situation and enjoy the process instead of finding everything that is wrong with me or with the situation. Most importantly realizing when I am the problem instead of pointing fingers at everyone else. Its really hard when you are insecure about yourself to turn things around. But I find the best thing is to start focusing on your strengths and your beauty and show that to the world. It also means that sometimes you have to realize that what you are thinking about yourself is not what others are thinking about you. No matter what, when someone sees the beauty of you, its really hard to show them what you aren't. Also it means not taking situations and sometimes people too seriously but most importantly not being so hard on myself. Allowing myself to have flaws and understanding that my flaws make me human but at the same time they make me real. Knowing that finding fault in others just to feel better about myself is not the solution because the minute they show you their greatness you are back to feeling less of yourself. Understanding that not everything will work out the way you expect it to be but learning from the situation and moving on from them. Most importantly noticing that when you point a finger at someone, there are 4 pointing right back at you. No one is perfect and we are not meant to be perfect but even with our imperfection there is beauty and until you focus on your beauty and letting that work for you, nothing anyone can say or do will change your thought process. Also taking responsibility for things that may be going wrong in your life. Saying you are too fat, not pretty enough, not smart enough or not worthy enough only makes you feel worse about yourself. So yes I was fairly insecure but the minute I started to look at myself differently I started to see the beauty that is me and now I am ready to share with the world the true me.

Gym Rat

For those of you who follow me on facebook you already knew this was coming because my earlier status did mention I would be blogging about this top so here you have it. If you've known me, working out was one of those things I considered a chore. I went because it seemed like the logical thing to do. I had very little dedication to the gym. I can recall my first year in University, a friend of I decided to hit up the gym because well...that's what you do when you are in college right? Right after we left the gym(mind you probably the weakest workout we ever did) we headed to the cafeteria and had the worst of everything. I think I probably didn't work out again till my second year and possibly once or twice more in my third and fourth year. By the time I graduated from University I was the heaviest I have ever been. I probably shouldn't say this out loud but I am ashamed to say at one point I was a bit over 200lbs. In my mind I didn't see that I was that big, because to me being big was being obese and I didn't think I was. Plus I think I am one of those who carries weight well. Even after I lost a ton of weight I know I still shocked people with how much I weighed because they always thought I weighed less because I didn't look it but I was big. Finally after university I moved away to the States and that's when I started to take my weight a bit more seriously. No where near where I am today but enough to actually start doing something. I did go to the gym quite frequently, My eating definitely needed more work but the pounds started dropping. I wasn't in love with working out, not even close to loving it but I did it because I felt like I had to. Plus I had a few motivating factors that kept me going but really not enough to have me change my life completely. It took a few years, and a lot of education and AMAZING supportive individuals in my life to really get me to this place. Its amazing how the right people, support and education can really change your life around. Now going to the gym is my passion. I love it, I love the sourness I feel after a good work out, I love how when eating clean makes me feel and the most important thing its still yummy, I love when people see me, it shocks them that the girl who could barely walk across the gym floor is now lifting heavy with very little effort and today was the major turning point for me when a new friend I met over the weekend who happens to go to my gym asked me to work out with her and she was relying on me to show her what to do. She thoroughly enjoyed the work out we had and felt I helped her learn a lot. Its amazing that the girl who hated working out is now helping others work out. For me this just proves that once you start to love what you do, you can do amazing things. You just have to want it bad enough. Most importantly you have to believe that you can do it. Sometimes having the right people in your corner, the right tools and the right amount of dedication you can do it. Trust me, if I can do it, you definitely can do it!

Prude or High Moral Standing?

Happy New Year! I know I haven't blogged much and I apologize. Life has just been a bit crazy and so blogging hasn't been a priority. Anyway, I do have a lot on my mind so my blogs may be a bit more frequent but let me get to it. I went out last night for the first time in a long time. Okay let me rephrase that, yesterday was the first time I went out to a lounge in a very long time. I've lost interest in night life. You know the standing in line, wearing heels, elbowing people just so you can actually stand up because the place is packed. Not appealing but yesterday for a friends birthday she wanted us to go out so we went out. Surprisingly I did have a good time, the crowd was mature, pretty good looking people, music was great, so no major complaints. Yes it was packed and I stood in line but all in all I had a good time. Anyway, I had a guy bump into me and he apologized, I said its fine, he then said what if I hit into you intentionally would that be okay, I was like yes that's fine(he was cute...he is excused) and then he walks away goes up to my friend and tells her, "Your friend is shy" what?????? I was busy dancing minding my business you ask me a question and I answer you, no attitude, nothing yet I am shy? Anyway, next another guy comes, and he starts dancing with me. Normally I am a bit anti social when it comes to dancing with people but I take dancing lessons for salsa and Kizomba so dancing with randoms has become second nature to me. Plus I have learnt that sometimes a guy asking to dance is just because he wants to dance, nothing special. So I agreed. Dude started getting a bit to inappropriate, I tried to brush it off but he kept going at it, next he says lets go upstairs....WHAT??????? I said no, next he says let me kiss you on the cheek, I said no, he said its just a kiss on the cheek I said no, next thing he grabs my face and tries to kiss me on the cheek. Hmmmmm???????? Sexual harassment?? Anyway finally he gets a hint and walks away. Okay so my question here is, prude or moral standing? Are there girls who actually feed into this approach by guys? Will actually walk away with a guy they have never met, and go hang out with them in a club of half drunken people to do who knows what?????? Am I old fashioned and still believe that you should at least learn the guys last name before you go off anywhere private with the guy you've never met? Or is it totally okay to run off with a guy you've never met? Some may call me shy, or a prude but I just think that to be taken seriously by anyone and to be respected there are limits to who you interact with people of the opposite sex when you first meet them. Personally casual relations do not appeal to me, I just don't think I should give myself to anyone who is not committed to me. Of course we all have our weak moments and may do things we normally wouldn't do but is this an everyday occurrence? Absolutely not? Should it be? Its totally up to the individual but for me, its not. I just think a man who is interested in getting to know me would be a bit more respectful with his approach and most importantly would respect me when I say no! Yes I had a fun night and yes its nice to know that someone finds you attractive especially in this very challenging city where I find meeting someone its almost impossible but do I have to become someone I am not just because someone gives me a second glance or do I stick to who I am and hope and pray someone recognizes my worth and will approach me correctly. Again my question to you is? Am I a prude or do I have high moral standing and is that a good or bad thing? I look forward to your responses.